Friday, April 29, 2016

Don't Miss Sunday's Talladega 500

For those who have never watched a NASCAR race, this Sunday's 500 mile race at Talledega Superspeedway should be a doozy. 40 cars on a 2.66 banked track reach speeds of 200 mph, sometimes three abreast. Oh, and there's an occasional wreck.

When I say "wreck", it's an understatement. At speeds surpassing 200 mph, reaction time to minor bump can turn the track into a junkyard in a matter of seconds.

Most racers and fans refer to this moment as "the big one" because it is almost impossible to race at these speeds, so close together, without someone making a mistake.

Cars need to pit occasionally for tires and/or gas and the speculation begins as to which strategy to use to insure a victory.

Probably the best part of the race is the last twenty laps where a "take no prisoners" attitude is adopted, further increasing the chance of a last lap crash or a photo-finish ending.

All things said, the Geico Talladega 500 will be televised on Fox beginning at 2:30 pm. It should be a great race.

The News As I See It: Carly Fiorina was announced as Ted Cruz's running mate. Fiorina said it's always been her lifelong dream to lose twice in the same election.

ISIS has reportedly started rolling out "reductions in benefits" to try to cut down costs. On a similar note, al-Qaeda is trying to compete with them by launching "Osamacare."

After being blind-sided by Michael Strahan’s upcoming departure, Kelly Ripa returned to "Live with Kelly and Michael" today, where the co-anchors were reunited. The reunion was going great, until Beyoncé showed up and handed Ripa a baseball bat.

Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his "country club" lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump swept Tuesday's primaries in the states of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania and Rhode Island. John Kasich is projected to win in the state of denial.

Melania Trump just turned 46. She spent her birthday like she always does -- telling Donald that she's 23.

This Date In History: 1429; Joan of Arc entered the city of Orléans. She would end its months-long siege and would become known as the "Maid of Orléans." 1916; The Easter rebellion in Ireland ended with the surrender of Irish nationalists.

1945; American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp. 1978; Japan's Naomi Uemura, traveling by sled dog, became the first person to reach the North Pole alone. 1980; Film director Alfred Hitchcock died at age of 80.

1986; Pitcher Roger Clemens set a major league baseball record by striking out 20 batters in a regular nine-inning game. He repeated his feat in 1996. 1992; A Los Angeles jury acquitted four police officers accused of beating Rodney King. Massive rioting and looting ensued.

1997; The first joint U.S.-Russian space walk was made by Jerry Linenger and Vasily Tsibliyev from space station Mir. 2011; Kate Middleton marries Prince William in a lavish royal wedding at Westminster Abbey in London.

Picture Of The Day: Talladega Superspeedway is a big track with plenty of room for moves.....unless you make the wrong decision.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Ladies, the next time you're at Happy Hour and some dumb ass asks, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", simply reply, "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." 2) It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken. 3) Then I said "No officer, I’m not slurring my speech. I’m speaking in cursive." 4) I'm at my most brilliant when the door says "pull" and I don't believe it. 5) My answering machine recording: Hello telemarketers and collection agencies. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message after this enjoyable 15 minute flute solo.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - Taurus 28th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio. The end is growing nearer but, according to the stars, you've still got plenty of time. If you never liked asparagus before, try it again. I still think it tastes like shit, but your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: William Randolph Hearst, American journalist and publisher 1863, Sir Thomas Beecham, conductor 1879, Duke Ellington, musician 1899, Hirohito, Japanese emperor 1901, Zubin Mehta, conductor 1936, Dale Earnhardt, champion auto racer 1951, Jerry Seinfeld, comedian 1955, Daniel Day-Lewis, actor 1958, Michelle Pfeiffer, actor 1958, Uma Thurman, actress 1970, Andre Agassi, tennis player 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man's wife asked him to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the store, looked around and couldn't find any.

So he grabbed an old produce employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The old produce guy looked at him and said, "No sir, you'll have to do that yourself."

An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Michael for his contribution to today's stories.

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?"

An Aussie's wife went missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reported the event, searched fruitlessly and spent a long terrible night wondering what may have happened to her.

The next morning, there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge said, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

The husband replied, Well, I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The husband was naturally distressed and had a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes pulled himself together to ask about the good news. The Sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. The husband said, "Thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that. So, what's the other possible good news?"

The Sarge says, "Well, If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill here and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again."

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, everybody values honesty until they have an ugly baby. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. 

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Wednesday, April 27, 2016

My Webcam

I never use my webcam. It was a gift for some work I did. Most days, if I don't have anything scheduled that requires me to leave home, I just work in my pajamas. I turned my webcam on today and was surprised to see what appeared to be a homeless man on my monitor.

It's relatively easy to see why Albert Einstein looked so bad in his older pictures. You get to a certain age and think, "Ah, screw it." So, here's this silver haired homeless dude, in what appears to be an old, ostensibly white t-shirt, a three day stubbly grey beard and badly fitting CVS reading glasses looking at me on my monitor.

Although I'm aware I don't have much to work with, I assure that i clean up better than that homeless looking dude I saw on the monitor. Incidentally, the webcam was gifted to me to facilitate a video interview with NASCAR. Fortunately, that particular day, I had some things to do so I was properly dressed.

The News As I See It: Beyoncé released a surprise album this weekend. Of course, when you're over 40 and white, every Beyoncé album is a surprise album.

The new album, called “Lemonade” she directs some of her anger at her husband, Jay Z. Yeah, an entire album where she yells at her husband. In other words, it looks like Hillary has found her running mate!

Hillary said Pennsylvania is where she learned to shoot a gun. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said Pennsylvania is where he learned to load a musket.

A restaurant in Pennsylvania has unveiled a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the pizza is not that fresh or tasty, but it sticks around your stomach until all the other food has given up.

This Date In History: 1521; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed in a fight with natives of the Philippines. 1805; The U.S. Marines captured Derna, on the shores of Tripoli.

1865; The worst steamship disaster in the history of the United States occurred when there was an explosion aboard the Sultana; more than 1,400 people were killed.

1956; Rocky Marciano retired as undefeated world heavyweight boxing champion. 1961; Sierra Leone gained independence from Great Britain. 1983; Pitcher Nolan Ryan surpassed Walter Johnson’s strikeout record—one that had held since 1927.

1987; Austrian president Kurt Waldheim was barred from entering the United States. He was accused of aiding in the execution of thousands of Jews in World War II. 1993; Eritrea declared itself independent.

Picture Of The Day: Apple's newest loser.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend said, "Look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can't you do that?" I told her I'd love to but I don't know her well enough.  2) I've discovered that women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them. 3) I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck while I was at the bank, so I had to pretend I was break dancing. 4) Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur. 5) The hardest part of potty training my puppy is taking a dump outside with him so he can learn. The neighbors taking pictures doesn't help either.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 26th.: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically desire. However, it is unlikely that you will achieve it. I would estimate that at least half of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed. Don't be concerned, the same thing happens to me, too.

Birthdays: Mary Wollstonecraft, author and feminist 1759, Samuel F. B. Morse, inventor of Morse Code 1791, Ulysses S. Grant, 18th President of the United States 1822, C. Day Lewis, author 1904, Coretta Scott King, civil-rights leader 1927, August Wilson, playwright 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door.

Upon opening it she said "Hi, I am your birthday present." He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" She answered, "I am yours for super sex." the old gent replied, "Well I'm 90 years old, so I'll take the soup."

An old couple is on a walk when a pigeon flies by and takes a dump on the woman’s head. The old woman says, "Yech! Get some toilet paper."

The old man replies, "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife, "Honey, come see what I created. It's an abstract panorama depicting the five-years of the Obama presidency!" She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."

A man visits his aging father in his new old folks home. His room seems awfully small and his bed is the narrowest he’s ever seen. Despite this, his father is delighted with his new home.

Later, the man meets the director of the home, He says, "Father is delighted to be here, what is your secret?" The director replies, "Well, each night we give him a sleeping tablet and a Viagra tablet."

The man asks, "What on earth is the Viagra tablet for? Surely he’s not up to any hanky panky at his age? The director answered, "Oh no, but it does stop him rolling out of bed at night."

That's it for today, my little piccolo players. Remember, the real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Wednesday.

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Monday, April 25, 2016

Being A Woman Is No Piece of Cake

Women go above the call of duty to be attractive. My naivete waned when I was first exposed to their required maintenance. My first inkling was the evening I came home and walked into a bevy of blue haired, blue mustachioed ladies painting their nails and toes.

Three attractive women in house robes with no makeup, a dye or rinse in their hair and a bleaching concoction on their mustaches and forearms. I chose to act as natural as I could but the smiles and giggles gave away my total astonishment. Perhaps it was when I stared at the girl with the tinfoil in her hair.

Moreover, with their delicate plumbing and their monthly visitor, women have their hands full. It's loke maintaining a swimming pool. They have to maintain a proper ph balance and avoid yeast infectons.

On top of that, they shave every possible hair off their bodies, put all sorts of creams and ointments for softer skin. I will not delve in diet and maintenance programs

Oh yeah, and they also have to carry a baby for nine months, then give birth, which seems to be the equivalent of passing a watermelon through a relatively small orifice. Nope, I don't want any part of that. 

In the majority of all species, the male is usually the more handsome. This aids the male in courtship and allows the more drab female to blend in with her surroundings when raising their young.

Somewhere along the evolutionary trail, human males must have seen their reflection in a river and thought, "close enough." This becomes more evident today as I see many beautiful women, clad in great outfits and heels.

Inevitably, they are usually accompanied by a knuckle dragging, tattooed neanderthal, sporting baggy shorts, t-shirt, baseball cap and wearing flip flops. Interestingly, many women are satisfied and/or accept this.

It's relatively easy to see that women are by far the more hardy of the species. As for men, we are mostly content with what we were born with.....

The News As I See It: If you're not concerned about what is going to happen in the GOP presidential race, just consider Reince Priebus, RNC chairman, is a man whose name is an anagram for "crisp bee urine."

This Date In History: 1901; New York became the first state to require license plates on cars. 1915; British, Australian, and New Zealand forces landed at Gallipoli. 1928; The first seeing eye dog was presented to Morris S. Frank. 1945; Delegates met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.

1953; The Francis Crick and James Watson article describing the double helix of DNA is published in the magazine Nature. 1959; The St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping. 1990; Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua.

1992; Islamic forces took over most of Kabul, Afghanistan after the Soviet-controlled government collapsed. 2003; The Georgia legislature voted to scrap the "Confederate flag" design from its state flag.

Picture Of The Day: Too much work. I get tired just trying to clip my toenails.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog's invisible fence. 2) I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster. 3) I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking or drinking. 4) A woman saying "I'm not angry" is like a dentist saying "You won’t feel a thing." 5) Adulthood is about being able to eat chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the chocolate chip cookies.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 25th: Your vision will never fail as long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes. Everything you read online today will turn out to be a complete scam, but I'm being redundant. Chance of romance is 63.27 percent depending on how you look at it.

Birthdays: Oliver Cromwell,  statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi, physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli, physicist 1900, Edward R. Murrow, journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, American jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino, actor 1940, Renee Zellweger, actress 1969, Jason Lee, actor 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else was looking. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, an old cowboy tentatively raised his hand and, while keeping his head down, said, "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you."

One night, after watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", a man and his wife went to bed. The man started getting very frisky, so he asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." The man said, "Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure." He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."

The smallest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest one said, "Yeah!" The littlest one asked, "What do you think that means?" The oldest boy replied, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."

Mendel Rosenblatt was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. Mendel asked the doctor, "How can I get human milk?" The doctor said, "Well, Ethel Goldstein just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ethel's house for his daily feed. Ethel was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.

One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Rosenblatt, do you like it?" Mendel sighed, "Mmmm, wonderful." Ethel, her lips parted and eyes aglow, said hesitantly, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

Mendel replied, "As a matter of fact there is," Ruby asked breathlessly, "What?" Mendel licked his lips and said, "Maybe a biscuit?"

That's it for today, my little pea pickers. Remember, offering a floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently frowned upon.

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, April 22, 2016

"Bearly" Believable

As a teenager, I would go into the woods and drink beer, because there was less chance of getting caught. But I ran into a bear. So, there I was, raising my right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires and promising not to reveal where he defecates.

In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. That's a better system and I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"

As a fisherman and outdoorsman, I have had other encounters with bears. The Florida Department of Fish and Game advises fishermen and hikers, hunters, and fishermen to keep alert for bears while in the woods and near streams.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop is larger, has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

In another incident, I was in a bar one night and a bear walked in and said, "I want a large rum and ................ a coke. The bartender asked, "What's with the huge pause?" The bear replied, "Oh, them. I've had them all my life."

(Jimmy's Journal cannot attest to the veracity of today's stories.)

The News As I See It: In San Diego, near the border of Mexico, the federal agents found a drug tunnel that is 800 yards long. Imagine running a touchdown the full length of the field eight times. Thank God for football or I wouldn't have any sense of distance.

Donald Trump said something un-Trumpy this morning. He was on “The Today Show” and Matt Lauer asked him about the transgender law and whether Caitlyn Jenner would be welcome to use the bathroom at Trump Tower. Trump said she should be able to use whatever bathroom she wants.

Ted Cruz believes that transgender people should hold it in.

Why is this even a thing? Why does this have to be legislated? I mean, really, how many transgendered people can there even be in North Carolina? Five, maybe? Eight tops.

Queen Elizabeth celebrated her birthday this week. She turned 90 years old. She is the first queen to ever reach that age. There would have been others but they were beheaded.

This Date In History: 1500; Pedro Alvares Cabral discovered Brazil and claimed it for Portugal. 1509; Henry VIII became king of England. 1616; The Spanish poet Cervantes died in Madrid. (Some sources say April 23.) 1864; Congress authorized the inscription "In God We Trust" on coins minted as U.S. currency.

1889; The land rush in Oklahoma began when it was opened to settlers. 1970; The first Earth Day was observed. 1994; Richard M. Nixon died of a stroke at the age of 81. 2000; Armed immigration agents took Elian Gonzalez from the Miami home of his relatives to reunite him with his father.

Picture Of The Day: Kohler, the renown bathroom fixture manufacturer, has come out with their 2016 toilet for women with large derierres. It's called the "Kim Kardashian". 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins. 2) My name is Jimmy but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue. 3) Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage. 4) Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.  5) Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 22nd: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: Isabella I, Spanish queen of Castile and León (1474–1504) 1451, Henry Fielding, author 1707, Immanuel Kant, philosopher 1724, Vladimir Lenin, Russian revolutionary 1870, Vladimir Nabokov, author 1899, J. Robert Oppenheimer, nuclear physicist 1904, Charles Mingus, jazz musician 1922, Bettie Page, model, pinup 1923, Jack Nicholson, actor 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is.

The old man responds, "I'm 90 years old." The woman says, "90 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasms'."

Ethel continued, "You know, mutual orgasms here and mutual orgasms there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasms?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Trump and Sanders sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Trump says, "We're planning World War III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Trump says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Trump turns to Sanders and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims."

A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.

The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.

The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.

Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will blind them."

An old man in the front pew of the church stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"

That's it for today, my little kiddie kats. Remember, nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

What's In Your Wheelhouse?

The resurgence of "wheelhouse" in today's vernacular is so overly parroted that I would bet half of the users haven't the slightest idea of what it even means. Loosely, the term is used to explain something that falls into a person's area of expertise.

A wheelhouse, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is "a structure enclosing a large wheel, e.g. a water-wheel; specifically a house or superstructure containing the steering-wheel, a pilot-house; also, the paddle-box of a steam-boat."

In baseball this is the part of a player's swinging range in which as a hitter they can make the best contact with the ball. If a pitch is right in your wheelhouse it is right where you want it, in the spot where you have the best chance of hitting it well.

Wheelhouse is now being used quite a bit by the media in politics and other areas whether it makes sense or not. It is, if you will, the term of the day. In an era where "kick the can down the road" and words like "vetted" are overly employed ad nauseum, it is just another tool for the uninformed and misinformed.

The News As I See It: Ben and Jerry, the ice cream guys, were arrested for being part of a political protest on the steps of the Capitol building. However, some good did come out of it. They got a lot of new attention for their cause. Also, they got a new flavor of ice cream, which is Toilet Wine Toffee Crunch.

I hope that everyone a happy Tax Day although I guess it's only happy if you get money back. You have to put stamps on the envelope to send your tax returns in. Can't they just throw that in? They charge us $1.41 to have the honor of sending them half the money we earn this year.

This Date In History: 1769; Ottawa Indian chief Pontiac was murdered. 1841; The first detective story, Edgar Allen Poe's Murders in the Rue Morgue was published. 1902; Marie and Pierre Curie isolated radium.

1912; The Boston Red Sox played their first game at Fenway Park. They beat the N.Y. Highlanders (who in 1913 would become known as the Yankees) 7-6. 1971; The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the practice of busing for racial desegregation.

1999; Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold went on a shooting spree at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo. 14 students (including the shooters) and 1 teacher were killed; 23 others were wounded.

2008; Danica Patrick won the Indy Japan 300, becoming the first woman to win an IndyCar race. 2010; An explosion on a BP oil drilling rig off the coast of Louisiana kills 11

Picture Of The Day: Not very exciting but an accurate depiction of a wheelhouse.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk. 2) It was all fun and games until she noticed that the "rocket" in her five-year-old son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in her nightstand. 3) Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook. 4) 9 out of 10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip. 5) Wanna hear me read a receipt from my trip to the grocery store? That's how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 20th: Admitting to shooting the sheriff is not a good alibi when being accused of shooting the deputy. Any time you feel restless this week, try to imagine what it would be like to take Viagra and Ritalin at the same time.

Birthdays: Daniel Chester, French sculptor 1850, Adolf Hitler, founder and leader of National Socialism (Nazis) and German dictator 1889, Joan Miró, artist 1893, Lionel Hampton, vibraphonist and bandleader, 1908, Tito Puente, musician, jazz percussionist 1923 Jessica Lange, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Obama was riding in his limousine, coming from a democratic fund-raiser in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, the Navajo man got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo man noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Obama. He asked, "What's in the bag?" Obama looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for Michelle"

The Navajo man was silent for a moment and then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, "Good trade."

During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD. He said, "GOD, how long is a million years?" GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?" GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime." The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?" GOD said, "In a minute."

A farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what’s that under your arm?" The old farmer said, "That’s my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes." The ticket agent said, "We don’t allow animals in the theater."

The irritated old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

Mildred whispered, "Marge, I think this guy next to me is a pervert." Marge replied, "What makes you think that?" Mildred whispered, "He unzipped his pants and is exposing himself." Marge said, "Well, don’t worry about it, At our age we’ve seen them all." Mildred said, "Yeah, but this one is eating my popcorn."

That's it for today, my little cherry blossoms. Remember, sometimes auto-correct can be your worst enema. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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