Friday, June 28, 2013

An Opportunity Squandered

Let's see.... I'm young, in good health, a star in the NFL and I've just signed a contract for $40 million dollars. Cool! Guess I'll go kill someone. What the hell was I thinking?

23-year-old Aaron Hernandez was arrested Wednesday at his mansion in North Attleborough, Massachusetts and accused of orchestrating the execution-style shooting of his friend, Odin Lloyd, allegedly because Lloyd had talked to the wrong people at a nightclub.

He was denied bail at a hearing Thursday in a Massachusetts courtroom, where a prosecutor said a Hummer belonging to Hernandez turned up an ammunition clip matching the caliber of casings found at the scene of Lloyd's killing.

This kid had the world by the cojones and this is what he does? Well, kiss the NFL and the $40 million goodbye, and I'm relatively sure that sweet thing that lives with you will be checking out as well, tout suite.

If there's one good thing about this, you're already covered in tattoos so you'll fit right in with the prison population.

The News As I See It: The Supreme Court has ruled the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Same-sex married couples are now entitled to the same benefits as other married couples. That's great news for the Lone Ranger and Tonto.

The ruling opened the door for same-sex marriage to resume in California. Apparently, the judges were really swayed by that Liberace movie. Now that the Act has been overturned, the ruling means California gay guys can finally marry someone other than Liza Minnelli.

Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa where he will promote freedom, democracy and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn't worked here — so he'll try it somewhere else.

Twinkies are going back on the shelf in July. Here's some Twinkies trivia for you. Twinkies are the only food that have a longer shelf life than the life of the average shelf.

This Date In History: 1836; The fourth president of the United States, James Madison, died at Montpelier, his Virginia estate. 1894; Labor Day became a federal holiday by an act of Congress. 1914; Archduke Francis Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary and his wife were assassinated, setting off World War I.

1919; The Treaty of Versailles was signed in France, ending World War I. 1978; The Supreme Court ruled in Regents of the University of California v. Bakke that the use of quotas in affirmative action programs was not permissible.

1996; The Citadel, the Military College of South Carolina, voted to admit women. 1997; Boxer Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield's ear during their heavyweight title fight, earning a 16-month suspension.

2000; Elian Gonzalez was returned to his father in Cuba. 2001; Serbia handed over Slobodan Milosevic over to the UN war crimes tribunal.

Picture Of The Day: The beautiful Flathead Lake in Montana. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee on parked car tires. 2) Every time my girlfriend stays over, we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs the bed while I'm on the side hanging on for dear life. 3) I read that four years after pregnancy, thirty-eight percent of all moms still were not drinking. I think it's safe to say this survey was not done on Facebook. 4) It's impossible to have an "ok" time on a trampoline. It's either the most fun you've ever had or you go to the hospital. 5) There's been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I replaced out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 28th: Be aware that all lines are not necessarily for amazingly happy things like roller coasters. Some are for terribly bad things like tax returns. So even though everyone appears to be in love with the same person and you see yourself as being at the back of that line, it might be a blessing.

Birthdays: Henry VIII, king of England (1509–47), second son and successor of Henry VII 1491, Peter Paul Rubens, painter 1577, Jean Jacques Rousseau, philosopher 1712, Luigi Pirandello, author 1867, Richard Rodgers, composer 1902, Mel Brooks, writer, film director 1926, John Elway, football player 1960, John Cusack, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and wife are in bed and the wife says, "Honey, if I die would you get married again? Her husband replied, "No dear." His wife said, "I'm sure you would." The annoyed husband said, "Okay, I would."

The wife asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Her husband answered, "Yeah, I guess so." The wife asked, "Would you let her wear my clothes?" Her husband replied, "No, she's taller than you."

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

The man replied, "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" The policeman said, "No, you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly Sun City lady did her shopping at Wal-Mart and upon returning to her car, found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Jasper County sheriff's office to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun. (No charges were filed.)

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

The woman whispered as she stepped into the room, "What's the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee and says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive and replies, "Yes I do, dear."

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. He asked, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" The wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him, replied, "Yes, I do."

The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" She replied, softly, "I remember that too." He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......."I would have gotten out today."

That's it for today, my little lily pads. Remember, most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing.....a woman. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Coal Is At The Top Of Your Priority List Barry ?

Obama needs to crack down on his own inactions beginning with himself and his amnesia plagued underlings' roles in the Benghazi scandal, his lying, elusive Attorney General Eric Holder, the IRS, the NSA, Islamic terrorists and the nation's porous borders before worrying about coal.

The IRS sent $46.3 million dollars in tax refunds to one address in Atlanta, according to a 2012 Treasury Inspector General audit now gaining renewed attention through social media. $46 million to one address? How many other undiscovered asshole moves have they made? And Barry's worried about coal.

An IRS technology official at the center of a House investigation into whether he pushed the agency to award contracts worth up to $500 million to an inexperienced company owned by a personal friend pleaded the Fifth Amendment and refused to testify at a House hearing Wednesday. A House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform report Tuesday said Greg Roseman, an IRS deputy director, may have influenced the IRS to award lucrative IT contracts to Strong Castle, Inc.

The same report also said the company had given the Small Business Administration misleading information to win approval so it could obtain set aside contracts, and that its Veterans Affairs awarded status as a so-called service disabled veteran company was based on a nearly three decade old sports injury by its owner.

The House investigation also uncovered numerous text messages between Roseman and Strong Castle’s owner, Braulio Castillo. The company was previously called Signet Computers. Appearing before the committee, Roseman declined to testify other than giving his title, and he declined to say whether he was still employed by the IRS.

Meanwhile, Barry departed today for a vacation in Africa, but he's still worried about coal.....

The News As I See It: Obama gave a big speech on climate change because, theoretically, he believes global warming is getting worse. On the other hand, he's probably just sweating more because of the plethora of scandals surrounding him.

Kanye West said that he considers himself an intellectual. Really? You're with a woman who's been laid by half of the NBA and whose sex tape has been seen all over the world and you think you're intelligent? And the two of you named your newborn child "North West"? Don't hold your breath waiting for a call from MENSA.

Tourism officials in Paris have launched a campaign to make Paris friendlier to tourists. Here's a thought. The first step is kick out the French.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden somehow managed to get out of the U.S. with all their information. Now where is he? He's in Russia now, going to be in Ecuador or wherever. He remains at large. Now what are the odds out of 350 million Americans, the only one the government wasn't watching was him?

The NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting with a BlackBerry, it’s spying on you.

In the middle of all these scandals, Obama got some good news today. The IRS ruled that he can write off the first half of his second term as a total loss.

This Date In History: 1819; The bicycle was patented by W. K. Clarkson. 1843; Hong Kong was proclaimed a British crown colony. 1906; The first Grand Prix motor race was held in Le Mans, France.

1959; The St. Lawrence Seaway, connecting the Great Lakes and the Atlantic, was opened. 1963; President John Kennedy gave his, "Ich bin ein Berliner" (I am a Berliner) speech in West Berlin. 1976 The CN tower in Toronto opened, the world's tallest free-standing structure.

2000; The first map of the human genome, which required decoding more than 3 billion biochemical "letters" of human DNA, is completed. 2003; Former South Carolina senator Strom Thurmond died at age 100.

Picture Of The Day: This cow belongs to my pal Paula and evidently, while she and her husband were out checking on the herd, this cow strolled over to see if Paula had anything to eat in the truck. You can visit Paula's blog by clicking this link Pauline's Country Tales and tell her Jimmy sent 'ya.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals. 2) A friend of mine logged out of Facebook for a few hours. She finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books and started a family. 3) Never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking. 4) My girlfriend told me my analogies didn't make any sense. It made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator. 5) Legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to shoot marsh mellows at the hoops. Personally, I'd preface that action by sending her a cocktail first.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 26th: Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. If you don't happen to be near the north of France then chances are you're going to be going to the bar alone. Remember, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic yet!

Birthdays: Bernard Berenson, art critic 1865, Pearl S. Buck, American author 1892, William Lear, inventor 1902, Babe Didrickson Zaharias, athlete 1911, Claudio Abbado, conductor 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side."

He continued, "When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Martha?" She smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, "What dear?" He replied, "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife, Grace, listened to the instructor. He said, "It is necessary that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.

He addressed the husband, "Tom, Do you know your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, gently touched his wife's arm and asked, "It's Pillsbury's, isn't it?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A six-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. The six-year-old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval.

The six-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The four-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the six-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." Whack!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, then runs upstairs crying his eyes out, his mother in hot pursuit slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the four-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" The four-year-old blubbers, "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" Mary Luise exclaimed, "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find the hinge.

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a "cronut," which is croissant-donut. We call these people "midiots," which is a moron-idiot.

That's it for today, my little boppers. Remember, some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick. I'm going to mosey over to AREA 51 for happy hour. It's been a while since I've moseyed.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, June 24, 2013

Nik, One More Thing.....Don't Look down !

Nik Wallenda completed a historic high-wire walk over the Grand Canyon on Sunday. Wallenda, the first person to cross the canyon, made the walk without a tether or safety net. He stopped and crouched down twice, first because of the wind, the second because the cable had picked up an unsettling rhythm.

A seventh-generation member of the "Flying Wallendas" family of acrobats, Wallenda also made history last year by becoming the only person to complete a high-wire walk over the brink of Niagara Falls. Nik's great-grandfather, Karl Wallenda, slipped and fell to his death from a high wire in Puerto Rico in 1978.

Viewers watching live in 217 countries were able to share Wallenda's point of view from the cable during the crossing, through cameras rigged to his body. Wallenda held a 43-pound balancing pole. Personally, I was just happy he didn't try to do it "Gangnam Style".

The News As I See It: It was a bad week for the stock market. It was was so bad the numbers looked worse than a Paula Deen talk show on the BET network. I mean, stocks are dropping like a Super Bowl ring into Vladimir Putin's pocket. That is how bad it was.

It was announced that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their daughter "North West". Southwest Airlines sent the couple a message, "Please don't have a second child."

A company in Japan has a new watch with a built-in breathalyzer that can tell you if you’re drunk. It would probably work better if the watch didn't always list the time as "5 o'clock somewhere."

Clothing designers Dolce and Gabbana are in a lot of trouble. They have been found guilty of tax evasion. They probably won't do any jail time, which is a relief because stripes are out this year.

The Consumer Protection Agency has recalled 96,000 Jeep Liberty baby strollers because there is a problem with the tires blowing out. How fat are our kids getting when they're blowing out tires on their baby strollers?

This Date In History: 1509; Henry VIII was crowned king of England. 1647; Early American feminist Margaret Brent demanded a seat and vote in the Maryland Assembly, but was ejected from that body. 1675; King Philip's War, the most devastating war between the colonists and Indians, began with Indians attacking the Swansea (Mass.) settlement.

1908; The 22nd and 24th president of the United States, Grover Cleveland, died in Princeton, N.J. 1947; Kenneth Arnold, an American pilot, reported seeing strange objects near Mt. Rainier, Washington. He described them as "saucers skipping across the water," hence the term "flying saucers" was born.

1948; The Soviet Union began a blockade of Berlin. Allied forces responded with what would be known as the Berlin Airlift flying in more than 2 million tons of supplies over the next year. 1997; The U.S. Air Force released The Roswell Report, closing the case on the 1947 Roswell, N.M. incident concerning UFOs and alien bodies.

2011; New York passes a law to allow same-sex marriage, becoming the largest state that allows gay and lesbian couples to marry. 2012; Lonesome George, the last known Pinta Island Tortoise, died at a Galapagos National Park, making the subspecies extinct.

Picture Of The Day: There's no chance of me ever doing anything remotely close to this act of insanity. I have enough troubles riding in an elevator.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cell phones have two brightness settings: "Dim" and "The messiah is back." 2) I knew that psychic wasn't credible when she let me write her a check. 3) I'm sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car. 4) I asked my pharmacist to cut my Viagra pills into four quarters. He said he could do it, but 1/4 of a pill would not work. I told him, "That's ok. I just need enough so I that don't pee on my shoes." 5) I was considering remarrying the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 24th: People say you make your own luck, but carrying around a sign that says "I'm needy and helpless" is probably not what they had in mind. You can freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door, but it's probably a bad dea.

Birthdays: Sir John Ross, arctic explorer 1777, Henry Ward Beecher, clergyman 1813, Ambrose Bierce, satirist 1842, Jack Dempsey, American boxer 1895 John Ciardi, poet 1916, Anita Desai, writer 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

After a week, she walks out of the hospital and is killed crossing the street by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years?!" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that He was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here, and I love it. But I don't understand."

He continued, "If my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil. Satan asks, "Why so glum?" The guy says, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan says, "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here."

Satan says, "You a drinking man?" The guy says, "Sure, I love to drink." Satan says, "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, you name it. We drink until we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." The guy says,"That sounds great!"

Satan asks, "You a smoker?" The guy replies, "You better believe it." Satan says, "All right! You're gonna love Wednesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead." The guy says, "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan says, "I bet you like to gamble" The guy answers, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "Good, because Thursdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." The guy says, "Cool! I never realized Hell was such a great place!"

Satan asks, "Are you gay?" The guy replies, "No..." Satan says, "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

Three nuns died in an auto accident. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter was there to greet them. St. Peter said to the nuns, "Before you can enter you each have to answer one question correctly."

St. Peter goes to the first nun and asked, "Who was the first man God created?" The first nun looked at St. Peter and said, "Oh, that's easy, Adam." The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said, "You may enter."

Then St. Peter goes to the second nun and asked, "Who was the first woman God created?" The second nun looks at St. Peter and said, "That's easy, Eve." The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said, "You may enter."

Then St. Peter goes to the third nun and asked, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?" The third woman starts thinking then looked at St. Peter and said, "Oh, that's a hard one." The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said, "You may enter".....

That's it for today, my little teddy bears. Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, except for Grizzly bears. Grizzly bears will just kill you.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 21, 2013

I Need A New Job - I Guarantee It !

Men’s Wearhouse has fired founder and chairman George Zimmer, the bearded icon of 28 years of company television commercials. Apparently, the company doesn't like the way its founder looks anymore. Zimmer is best known for his catchphrase, "You’re going to like the way you look—I guarantee it."

Zimmer said the board was seeking to "silence" his concerns about the company. Ostensibly, Zimmer has been easing into retirement for several years. He stepped down as chief but may not have stepped as far down as the company’s leadership wanted.

On a similar note, the actor who portrays the "Most Interesting Man in the World" is more likely to attend a bar mitzvah than a Quincea├▒era. Jonathan Goldsmith, 72, whose face and voice are now inexorably linked with one of Mexico’s top-selling beers, is a New York-born Jew who lives with his wife on a 50-foot Beneteau sailboat in Marina del Rey.

Goldsmith is usually seen seated at a table, surrounded by beautiful women. The bearded, salt-and-pepper haired Goldsmith looks into the camera and says, "I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends."

The News As I See It: It was a bad week on Wall Street — the stock market dropped over 350 points today. See, I knew Obama shouldn’t have come back home. I knew this was going to happen. On another note, the White House announced that during the summer, all scandals will be reruns. That's a programming reminder from the White House.

The latest search for Jimmy Hoffa has been called off. The FBI now says they called off the search because the NSA said it would be too difficult to find Jimmy Hoffa because he hasn't made a phone call since 1975.

Iran has elected a new president named Hassan Rohani. He's promised to improve Iran's economy and fix the unemployment problem. If that doesn't work, he's going to blame the whole thing on President Bush.

Germany is mad at the United States for the NSA eavesdropping. This comes from the country that gave us the Gestapo.

This Date In History: 1527; Italian statesman, diplomat, and author of “The Prince,” Niccolo Machiavelli died. 1788; The U.S. Constitution went into effect when New Hampshire became the 9th state to ratify it. 1834; Cyrus McCormick's mechanical reaper was patented.

1964; Three civil rights workers - James E. Chaney, 21; Andrew Goodman, 21; and Michael Schwerner, 24 - disappeared in Philadelphia, Miss. In 2005, 41 years after the disappearance, Edgar Killen was convicted of their murders.

1982; John Hinckley was found not guilty by reason of insanity for the attempted murder of President Ronald Reagan. 1989; The U.S. Supreme Court decided that burning the U.S. flag was protected under the First Amendment.

1997; The WNBA made its debut. 2004; Michael Melvill pilots the first privately-developed spacecraft, SpaceShipOne, into space.

Picture Of The Day: Three year old Grayson Clamp hears his father's voice for the first time. Little Grayson was born without hearing nerves in his ear and can now sense sound thanks to an experimental electrical ear implant. Priceless !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The easiest way to piss off a vegan is to refer to their choice of diet as an "eating disorder". 2) It's not that I accept the "Terms and Conditions". It's just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them. 3) Unsure about birth control? Watch my kids for 10 minutes. 4) Sit next to a stranger on a park bench, hand over an envelope with a random person's picture, whisper "It has to look like an accident" and walk away. 5) Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.of self absorbed teenage girls.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 21st: Google is about to take over your life - play responsibly. Your lucky horse for today is Sombrero's Lid. Some people seem to take the question "how stupid can you be?" as a personal challenge. Avoid that pitfall....hell, avoid all pitfalls !

Birthdays: My friend Raul - Felicidades Viejo 19XX, Reinhold Niebuhr, religious and social thinker 1892, Al Hirschfeld, cartoonist 1903, Jean-Paul Sartre, French existential philosopher, playwright, and novelist 1905, Mary McCarthy, novelist 1912, Benazir Bhutto, prime minister 1953, Prince William, English prince 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.

Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place — the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

The preacher says, "This is amazing! Look what God and you have accomplished together!" The farmer, "Yes Reverend, but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What’ve you got in your truck?" The farmer replied, "Fertilizer."

The little boy asked, "What are you going to do with it?" The farmer answered, "Put it on strawberries." The little boy advised him, "You ought to live here. We put sugar and cream on ours."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. He told the dispatcher, "They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!"

Before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. With a hiccup, the drunk said, "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said,  "Name them."

That's it for today, my little pretty ones. Remember, the path less traveled by is usually taken only because one is lost. My destination this evening is AREA 51 where I will partake in happy hour activities.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

James Gandolfini Dies In Italy

James Gandolfini, who famously played Tony Soprano on "The Sopranos" died earlier today in Italy. Gandolfini is believed to have suffered a heart attack. He was 51. Gandolfini was in Italy to attend the 59th Taormina Film Festival in Sicily -- and he was scheduled to participate in a festival event this weekend with Italian director Gabriele Muccino.

The News As I See It: Kim Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl. Kim was in labor for six hours, thus marking the first time the words Kardashian and labor have ever been used together in the same sentence. The doctor said when he slapped Kim's baby, he regretted that he couldn't slap the entire family.

Ralph Nader said there has never been a bigger con man in the White House than Barack Obama. Can you believe that? Ralph Nader is still alive!

Nestl├ę has launched a new premium water called "Resource." They say it is made specifically for a woman who is a little on the trendy side and the higher income side. "Resource" sounds so much better than tap water for women who are really rich and stupid.

Have you seen the ads for Endure, a cool towel? They show people sitting in the sun with the thing around their neck, rubbing their faces in it. In each ad they say the towel uses a proprietary fabric technology that activates when wet to cool a person off. So in other words, it's a towel! All towels do that.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the guy who made "Death to America" a popular slogan. Now his successor, a moderate guy named Rohani, doesn't believe in death to America. He believes in lingering illness to America. Rohani guy has promised that he will boldly lead Iran into the 14th century.

This week marks the 42nd anniversary of the war on drugs. Our partners in Mexico observed it with a moment of silence followed by hours of laughter.

Edward Snowden is the guy who leaked all of the NSA secrets. He had a 98-minute press conference today and yet they can't find the guy. This is the biggest manhunt since Martha Stewart started online dating.

This Date In History: 1862; Congress abolished slavery in the U.S. territories. 1865; Gen. Gordon Granger informed the citizens of Galveston, Texas, that the slaves were freed. The celebration of the day became known as Juneteenth.

1867; The first running of the Belmont Stakes. 1934; The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) was created. 1964 The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was approved. 1977; Pope Paul VI proclaimed John Neumann, the first male saint from the United States.

1987; The Supreme Court struck down a Louisiana law requiring any public school teaching the theory of evolution to teach creationism as well. 2002; Afghanistan president Hamid Karzai was sworn in.

Picture Of The Day: Beautiful !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I'm rocking the swimming trunks I bought at K-Mart in 1999. 2) Reintarnation is defined as coming back to life as a southerner. 3) One of the most romantic things one rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom. 4) What doesn't kill you, forces me to reload. 5) The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 19th: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair. Testing times lay ahead for you if you expect your love life to be without its ups and downs. Your body is a temple. Congratulations on the expanding congregation!

Birthdays: My friends Izza and Ryan - Happy Birthday ! 19XX, Blaise Pascal, scientist and religious philosopher 1623, Guy Lombardo, band leader 1902, Lou Gehrig, American baseball player 1903, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, human rights activist 1945, Kathleen Turner actress 1954.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks, "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks, "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands. He says, "Who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.

The psychiatrist then asks, "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand. The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says, "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I didn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. His wife asks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband says, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." His wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." So they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. The husband asks, "What do you think you're doing?" His wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love." Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of half the price."

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. She asks, "What are you doing?" The daughter replies, "Mom, it's my love dress!! Don't you like it?" Her Mom replies, "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over."

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction, "Honey, what are you doing?" She give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my love dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, never, ever ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !