Odds And Ends - Late Friday Edition

Thoughts: I would never hire a lawyer that makes his own commercials, especially the morons in the "Ticket Clinic" commercials. I don't trust any one, especially politicians, who say "New-kew-lar", It's "New-kle-ar". Tenure be Damned - If you are a shitty teacher, you should drive the school bus.

I see no good reason to jump out a a perfectly good running airplane. I would enjoy seeing the lying, liberal New York Times go bankrupt. I don't go to the Olive Garden and other pasta joints because over-priced pasta is not worth the trouble.

Running in a marathon is stupid. I’m not running anywhere unless someone is chasing me. I no longer fry bacon naked. It's not worth having to tell the story in the emergency room. I would shop more often at Walmart if they guarantee the parking lot would be rid if thugs. My .38 only holds five rounds and I don't reload as fast as I used to.

I'm unsure who is the fattest and most disgusting: Whoopi Goldberg or Rosie O'Donnell. For the liberal Madison Avenue  television commercial writers: Everyone knows what you're up to with your diversive casting, but the local television evening crime news puts it all back into perspective. It's like putting lipstick on a monkey.

Any product advertised on TV for $19.99 is a rip off; Even worse if they double the offer. Most diets that you subscribe to don't work and are overpriced. The best way to lose weight is to eat a healthy diet and learn to push yourself away from the table. And finally, never trust a naked bus driver.....

The News As I See It: After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my Uncle Lester can fly out for Easter after all.

Ford announced it will create 130 new jobs in Michigan. Hillary Clinton asked, "Is one of them president?"

A 20-year-old woman in St. Louis has been banned from Tinder after making hundreds of dollars because her profile said, "Send me $5 and see what happens," The thing is, guys were just giving her $5. Usually, the only thing people give each other on Tinder is crabs.

This Date In History: 1707; The Act of Union joined England and Scotland to form Great Britain. 1931; The Empire State Building opened in New York City. At 102 stories, it would be the world's tallest building for the next 41 years. Click to see the current tallest.

1941; Orson Welles's Citizen Kane, considered by many the greatest film ever made, premiered in New York. 1948; The Democratic People's Republic of Korea (North Korea) was established with Kim Il Sung as president. 1960; The Soviet Union shot down an American U-2 reconnaissance plane over Soviet territory.

1967; Elvis Presley married Priscilla Beaulieu. (They divorced in 1973.) 1991; 44-year-old Texas fireballer Nolan Ryan hurled his seventh and final no-hitter in a 3-0 victory over the Toronto Blue Jays. That same day, Oakland's Rickey Henderson broke Lou Brock’s stolen base record.

2003; President Bush made a speech aboard an aircraft carrier proclaiming “major combat operations in Iraq have ended.” 2009; For the first time in 341 years, a woman is appointed as poet laureate of the United Kingdom. Carol Ann Duffy, 53, will take over the post from current poet laureate Andrew Motion.

Picture Of The Day: Never let your girlfriends talk you into getting the "latest style".

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I remember when you could get a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk next to nothing. Nowadays, they got those damn security cameras. 2) Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40. 3) According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were. 4) Does anyone need a pen? I just cleaned out all my drawers and it turns out I have ALL of them. 5) I hope I'm the last guy on earth. I want to see if all those women were lying to me.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 31st: Don't trust little birdies, most of them tell lies. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, all the good shapes and sizes are already taken. Bread, lightly cooked and buttered. Today's horoscope was sponsored by Toast.

Birthdays: Joseph Addison, writer 1672, Mary Harris Jones, labor agitator 1830, Calamity Jane, frontier character 1852, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, philosopher 1881, Joseph Heller, writer 1923, Wes Anderson, filmmaker 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer was driving along the road with a load of horse manure. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What have you got in your truck?" The farmer replied, "Horse manure."

The little boy asked, "What are you going to do with it?" The farmer said, "Put it on strawberries." The little boy said, "You ought to live here. We put sugar and cream on ours."

One night, after watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", a man and his wife went to bed. The man started getting very frisky, so he asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." The man said, "Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day. they are favored to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." The coach says in a panic, "What? How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my balls. That's another thing I want to talk to you about."

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't do aerobics!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

That's it for today, my little April fools. Remember,If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !