I don't get up at 5 am for anything unless it's fishing or to pee. I also made a promise to myself in the Army that I'd never stand in line for anything. Finally, I don't stand in line at 5 am with morons trying to save 20% off a sale item unless I have my gun.
I realize there are those who need these sales because of a limited budget and small children. I defer to them and their reasoning. Unfortunately, there are also the nitwits who try to make a killing on these sales, come hell or high water.
Moreover, the traffic to and fro is horrible and you need to carry your weapon to keep street thugs from robbing you. If you make it safely without a car accident or being robbed, you face the stampede of idiots who would trample their mother or children to get to the treasured sale item.
Probably the worst store is Walmart whose slogan is "lets have 24 cash registers but only open two". Personally, I'd rather take my chances at the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.
The News As I See It: Both CBS and PBS fired Charlie Rose after allegations of sexual harassment. Yep. They told him to clear out his desk, put on some pants and leave.
Starbucks recently released a limited edition juniper latte. Juniper, or as Betsy Devos calls it, the biggest planet.
This Date In History: 1642; Abel Tasman discovered Van Diemen's land, later renamed Tasmania. 1859; Darwin's Origin of Species was published. 1871; The National Rifle Association was incorporated.
1874; Joseph Farwell Glidden patented barbed wire. 1963; Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald, JFK's accused assassin, in the garage of Dallas police headquarters. 1971; D. B. Cooper parachuted from a Northwest Airlines flight with $200,000.
Picture Of The Day: I'd rather run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, than go to the stores on Black Friday.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my girlfriend and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
2) There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
3) Every time I walk into a bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" 4) "Latte" is Latin for you paid too much for your coffee. 5) The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 24th: Today doesn't look very promising but the good news is that report you were waiting for from your doctor is negative. Take life with a grain of salt ...plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Birthdays: Zachary Taylor, 12th President of the United States 1784, Frances Hodgson Burnett, author 1849, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, painter and lithographer 1864, Scott Joplin, American ragtime pianist and composer 1868.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.
The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me."
The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."
Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."
A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis u firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, jus anyting you want. Whatchu want?"
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69"
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks, "You wanna Kung pao chicken wif broccori?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The owner of small business was confused about how much he should pay for an invoice, which included a volume discount. So he decided to ask his blonde secretary.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college, and I need some help. If I were to give you $7,525 minus 12.5% for a discount, how much would you take off?" She paused briefly and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married fifty years and there's something I have to know. In all of these fifty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these fifty years, but always for a good reason."
Henry asked, "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason'?
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"
Martha said, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
Henry said, "I recall that and you did it to save my life so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time."
Martha said, "Alright, do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 37 more votes?"
That's it for today, my little drumsticks. Remember, Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Few of today's youth know what a "church key" is and not too many know what a pen knife is. Almost everybody carried a pen knife back in the day. Too little for use as a weapon, it's a small knife that can be quite useful in many instances.
The pen knife was usually a three bladed, foldable knife, but subsequent knives sported such additional tools as screwdriver heads and the all important cork screw. The Swiss Army knife was a nifty invention, but the weight and bulk of it negated the simplicity of the pen knife.
Before the advent of the pop-top, sodas and beer were opened with an opener affectionately referred to as a "church key". The "church key" term came about because the bottle opener resembled a key. Subsequently, the advent of the tool for opening beer and soda cans was also given the "church key" moniker.
The tool is named for several reasons. The original openers used on bottles (before beer cans existed) looked similar to a large old fashion keys used by monks to open the church, as well as keep the precious beer they brewed safe.
The name was then adopted to all tools used to open beer–with an ironic twist–for it is said if you used a church key opener (i.e. if you drank beer) you would be less likely to open the door of a church to attend service. At least that's what Dad always said......
This is NASCAR Championship weekend and will be hosted by Homestead Miami Speedway. The final four drivers vying for the championship are Kyle Bush, Kevin Harvick, Martin Truex and Brad Keselowski.
For those of you who have never watched a NASCAR Race, it's very exciting. The Truck Series Championship is tonight, The Xfinty Championship will run Saturday with the Monster Energy Championship on Sunday. Check you local listings for times.
The News As I See It: Astronomers announced that they have discovered an earth-sized planet in our corner of the galaxy that is potentially habitable by humans. Yeah, they think the planet may have breathable air and drinkable water, which is impressive because they barely have those things in Los Angeles. The planet in question orbits a star called Ross 128. It's part of a larger solar system that includes Chandler, Joey and Monica 128.
The FDA has approved the first pill with a digital sensor that signals doctors when patients have taken their medicine. Doctors say they invented the pill to make sure that their patients are taking their medication. I still think it would be more effective if they went with my plan of making all pills taste like Cool Ranch Doritos.
This Date In History: 1558; Queen Elizabeth I of England ascended to the throne upon the death of her half-sister Queen Mary. 1800; Congress met in Washington, DC, for the first time. 1869; The Suez Canal opened in Egypt. 1917; Sculptor Auguste Rodin died in Meudon, France.
1968; Night of the "Heidi bowl:" NBC switched from football to movie of Heidi. In the missing 42 seconds, the lagging Raiders scored two touchdowns, defeating the Jets. 1973; President Nixon said "I am not a crook." 1989; The beginning of the "Velvet Revolution," which led to the downfall of communism in Czechoslovakia.
Picture Of The Day: The Swiss Army Knife
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Science Tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.
2) I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on a piece of paper bag. I walked around Publix like some kind of a carrier pigeon. 3) If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage. 4) Kim Kardashian is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Kim's maximum capacity is 500 members. 5) Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 17th: The odds are that you'll see something that you physically and desperately desire. However, the risk may not be worth the reward. I know this to be true as I have been married twice. Relax, have a beer and a slice of pizza and if you still have that feeling, smash your ring finger with a hammer. Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice once your finger heals.
Birthdays: Louis XVIII, king of France 1755, Lee Strasberg, stage director 1901, Eugene Paul Wigner, physicist 1902, Isamu Noguchi, sculptor 1904, Rock Hudson, actor 1925, Martin Scorsese, film director 1942, Danny DeVito, actor, director, producer 1944.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" The husband answers calmly,"Don't worry dear, they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
His wife asks, feebly, "Well, how long will it take for him to get here," Her husband replies, "No time at all, Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
Sophie was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Murray, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Murray, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"
Murray looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Sophie cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So, Murray grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.
When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Murray answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Murray answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Murray answered, "Only if it's raining."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A loving grandfatheralways made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time, just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she'd take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. He asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" The little girl said, "Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see one single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son-of-a-bitch anywhere we went!"
On his 70th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to the old and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected."
He continued, "You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and as she began throwing off her clothes she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition or one could end up with a dangling participle!
That's it for today, my little magpies. Remember, the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
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Tomorrow is Veteran's Day, a day to remember the scared young soldier who was wounded or gave his or her life while serving America. Please remember all the soldiers and their families, both past and present, who sacrificed their youth serving their country.
My father served in World War II and my brother Kirt and I served when we were called. As a personal protest, I do not watch any National Football League games, especially this weekend. I also refuse to buy any product with a NFL logo on it or any services offered by companies involved with the NFL.
Whie I like the game of football, I respect our flag and national anthem more and refuse to watch the morons who disrespect the anthem or the flag.
The News As I See It: Uber signed a deal with NASA on Wednesday to develop "Uber Elevate", a new type of Uber that will use flying cars. They’re developing a flying Uber. Los Angeles apparently will be one of the first cities to get flying Ubers. L.A. is perfect, because who is more qualified to fly you through the sky at 5,000 feet than an illegal alien or an out-of-work actor-deejay-dog walker?
Twitter doubled the amount of characters you can use from 140 to 280 characters. In theory, this means Twitter is now Facebook, right? They're basically the same thing — or is it possible there is anyone on the planet who thought, "You know what this year needs? More Twitter."
Woody Allen's newest movie features a middle-aged man who is sleeping with a 15-year-old girl. The movie will premiere at Cannes in May and be entered into evidence in June.
A Japanese Company created a $150 noise-canceling ramen noodle fork to cover up slurping noises. So, if you’ve got 150 bucks to spend on a fork. why are you eating ramen noodles?
This Date In History: 1871; Journalist and explorer Henry Stanley found the missing David Livingstone in Central Africa and made his famous comment, "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?" 1928; Hirohito was crowned Emperor of Japan.
1951; The first long distance telephone call without operator assistance took place.
1969
Sesame Street premiered on PBS TV. 1970; The Great Wall of China opened to the world for tourism. 1982; The Vietnam Veterans Memorial opened in Washington, DC.
Picture Of The Day: Remember our soldiers
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you serve a toddler pancakes, they’ll stay sticky until just after college.
2) I missed two of my mom's calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called. 3) I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way
much faster now. 4) After having lived in terror all these years, Gloria Estefan's threat finally came true. I turned on my car radio and was brutally attacked by the rhythm. 5) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 10ty: Don't embarrass yourself this week when the dentist puts that paper bib on you. They will not bring you lobster. You will have a lucky weekend. Remember, serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.
Birthdays: Martin Luther, German leader of the Protestant Reformation 1483, William Hogarth, painter, satirist, engraver 1697, Oliver Goldsmith, author 1730, Samuel Gridley Howe, reformer and philanthropist 1801, Claude Rains, actor 1889, J. P. Marquand, novelist 1893, Richard Burton, actor 1925, Russell Means, activist, actor 1939, Donna Fargo, singer 1945, Ann Reinking, dancer, choreographer and actress 1949, Roland Emmerich, filmaker 1855, Neil Gaiman, writer 1860, Brittany Murphy, actress 1977.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”
He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”
The wife asked,“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”
He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.” The wife asked, “But what about the smell?” The mad replied, “Just hold its little nose.”
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.
Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. Yet there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?.
A man in the front row raised his hand. The dietitian said, "You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man in the front row lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying. "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine."
The other guy says, "So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uh, I'm like you, just traveling." At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
The guy says, "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No, I'm a little busy right now."
Then I hear the guy say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!" His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do." The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." With a hurt look, she said, "You would?" His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?" She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new."
The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do." She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."
That's it for today, my little pollywogs. Remember, all barbers are not the same. What I said was, "Just a trim, please." What the barber must have heard was,"Give me the Kim Jong-un." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More next week.
Stay Tuned !
