"Roseanne" Viewers Top 18 Million

ABC Television executives finally learned that a different group of people live between Manhatten and Los Angeles as witnessed by the 18 million viewers who tuned into Roseanne Tuesday night.

The show is centered on a struggling Midwestern family, with Roseanne Barr, its star and co-creator, playing an unabashed Trump supporter who spars with her liberal sister, played by Laurie Metcalf. The show especially reverberated among heartland viewers.

The top markets for the debut read like a political pollster’s red-state checklist: Cincinnati; Kansas City, Tulsa. Liberal enclaves like New York and Los Angeles did not crack the top 20.

Some TV watchers are wondering if the successful reception will pave the way for the return of another show that highlights a conservative lead character: Tim Allen's "Last Man Standing," which was scraped from the TV schedule by ABC despite high ratings.

ABC claimed there was no room in the schedule for the comedy. Allen, like his character on the show, is a Republican, and many speculated the cancellation had something to do with the views expressed on-screen.

The News As I See It: Facebook announced major changes to its privacy settings. Apparently, they’re going to start having some. With so much ado about Facebook hacks, I think I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: "You are now friends with Benefits."

The Russian presidential election was recently held and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun — until you open the box and your Apple Watch is still attached to a hand. Putin was elected to his fourth term in office, handily beating his closest rival, a poisoned corpse.

Former FBI director, liar and leaker, James Comey’s memoir has already topped Amazon’s list of best-sellers, almost a month ahead of its release, due to pre-orders. You can find it in your local bookstore blocking Hillary Clinton’s book.

This Date In History: 1842; Anesthesia was used for the first time in an operation. 1856; The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Crimean War. 1867; A treaty for the purchase of Alaska from Russia for the sum of $7.2 million, approximately two cents an acre, was submitted to the U.S. Senate.

1870; The 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race. 1964; The game show Jeopardy debuted on television. 1981; President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest by John Hinckley as he left a Washington hotel. 2002; The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died at the age of 101.

Picture Of The Day: This

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. 2) I have no tattoos or body piercings, however, I do have several scars from bite marks on my shoulders. 3) Saying it's McDonald's fault because your kids are fat is like saying it's Hooter's fault because your husband likes big tits. 4) I've always wondered why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5) I don't always whoop, but when I do.....There it is.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - March 30th: This weekend you're going to get a giddy feeling that will emotionally elevate you to heights you've never before dreamed of. The world will become your oyster, flowers will bloom in your presence, children will miraculously stop crying in your arms and dogs will quit yappin' after midnight except for that noisy little bastard that lives on the third floor balcony.

Birthdays: Francisco Goya, artist 1746, Anna Sewell, author of Black Beauty 1820, Paul Verlaine, poet 1844, Vincent Van Gogh, Dutch painter 1853, Sean O'Casey, dramatist 1884, Warren Beatty, director, actor, producer 1937, Celine Dion, singer 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three ladies are playing the fourth hole at a members-only golf club when a naked man with a bag over his head jumps out from behind the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies are in total shock at the size of his manhood!

The first lady says, "Well, he definitely isn't my husband." The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He isn't my husband, either." The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of this club!"

Vern was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. Coroner: "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" Vern: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass." Vern: "Was it a Titleist 3?" Coroner: "Yes, it was." Vern: "That was my mulligan."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.

The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me." The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."

Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.” She asks,“Where shall I put it to get it warm?” He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

His wife asks. “But what about the smell?” Her husband replied.“Just hold its little nose.” The man is recovering nicely and is expected to be discharged from the hospital in a few days.....

That's it for today, my little doodlebugs. Remember, the real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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