Monday, June 8, 2009

Homeland Security - I Hope The Alert Color Matches My Jacket

I was watching a news story on national security over the weekend and one of the things mentioned was that on Friday (June 5th), the threat level of the Homeland Security Advisory System was Yellow, or Elevated. For all domestic and international flights, the U.S. threat level was Orange, or High. In AREA 51, Jimmy's Local Security System was Green, or Where In Hell Are My Car Keys?

The recommended activities, according to the Homeland Security web site, is that all Americans should continue to be vigilant, take notice of their surroundings, and report suspicious items or activities to local authorities immediately. The recommended activities for misplaced car keys under Jimmy's Security System is to check the floor around my bar stool and if need be, frisk the lady I am talking with. Frisking the lady, however, comes with the caveat of either possible bodily harm to my person or the possibility of becoming engaged.

As to being vigilant, taking notice of my surroundings, and reporting suspicious items or activities, the only real difficulty in AREA 51 is taking notice of my surroundings because they seem to change with each additional glass of Johnny Walker Black.

In the case of threat level Orange, or Elevated, pilots immediately take the proper precautions as indicated below.

Older people, especially on Florida, are easily confused by the constant, changing of the threat alert colors. Many of the older men just use the color chart to select their pants color for the day as all the colors match white shoes. The elderly women use the charts as a guide for hair coloring.

Many of the older people blatantly reject the thought that terrorists will attack Florida. In a recent interview, Murray and Ethel Lipschitz declared that they are prepared to defend Miami Beach against any and all aggressors. Murray was recently fined for discharging a firearm in public when he fired off a salvo of rounds after mistakenly perceiving his wife's case of the walking farts as small arms fire.

Murray and Ethel Lipschitz at their regular post guarding the Lincoln Road Mall.

In airports, I am always vigilant and I do take notice of my surroundings. If the person in front of me has a beard, especially if it's a woman, I become suspicious. If the man in front of me has a name that contains three k's, four n's, two h's and when spoken sounds like a person gagging with smoker's cough, I'll be checking his shoes for fuses.

Although the man may think that this is discrimination, he's wrong....it's profiling and I'll do it every time in the name of self preservation. If this offends him, tough shit! This is America and he can wear a towel on his head any time he wishes, but my suggestion to him is to wear a John Deere hat on travel days!

This Date In History: 1924; Mountaineer George Mallory is last seen close to the summit of Mount Everest during his third attempt to become the first man to conquer the world's highest mountain. 1929; Margaret Bondfield becomes Britain’s first-ever female Cabinet minister, serving as Minister of Labour. 1949; George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four, a terrifying picture of life in a totalitarian state, is published. 1978; Naomi James arrives in Dartmouth, Devon, to complete the first female solo circumnavigation of the world.

Picture Of The Day: Homeland Security, a term constantly on everyone's mind, is brought to life in today's pictures. Of course, the American Indian has been preaching this cause since day one and it hasn't caught on yet.

I assume the government will just keep allowing anyone and everyone to continue to entering the country, either legally or illegally, until we all have to find a new place to seek refuge. What goes around eventually comes around.

Nevertheless, sometimes you have to just sit back and laugh so that you don't end up with an ulcer. That's the motive behind today's pictures and I hope you enjoy them.

Birthdays: Robert Schumann, German romantic composer 1810, Charles Reade, novelist and playwright 1814, John Everett Millais, painter 1829, Frank Lloyd Wright, American architect 1867, Suharto, Indonesian president 1921.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. 2) I believe men who purchase scam male enhancement products should also purchase health insurance that covers a frontal lobotomy. 3) My father always had remote controls for his television set, namely Brother Kirt and myself. 4) One thing that really taught me the difference between democracy and communism was my Army basic training in Fort Polk, Louisiana. 5) I truly believe that Democratic analyst James Carville (above left) is the illegitimate son of the weird kid who played the banjo in the Burt Reynolds film, "Deliverance." I also believe that pseudo democratic analyst Roland Martin (above right) owes his CNN job to affirmative action.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says, "Congratulations! Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy says, "No, thanks, I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

Gertie Goldberg was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Myron. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Myron's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. The doctor said, "On a woman, the heart would be just below the left breast." Later that night, Gertie was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

That's it for today my little windbreakers. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

9 comments:

Rose said...

Oh Darling, Just as I was complaining to myself that four straight weeks of these freaking thunderstorms here in South Florida and that it prevents me from getting out and about.........up pops your email with your Monday's Entry.......leaves me in stitches and all is good again!

Gotta love ya! You help me make it through the night! Wasn't there a song about that?? LOL

Hugs, Rose

Julie said...

Love the lifesaver joke, still chuckling here. Jimmy you are a true American gem. thanks for your entries.

Heli gunner Tom said...

Hey! the Rock's stick is bigger than mine..
And 'Homeland Security' has too much power to hurt innocent Americans who love and support the US Constitution, IMHO.

Tom

Senorita said...

LOL those jokes are awesome.

I think the Homeland Security Alert System is a joke. I'm sure I'll get flamed for that, but I can't help it.

Yeah, bearded women are definitely suspicious. I saw a woman at the store with a moustache a while back. I don't know why she thought it was okay.

Missy said...

Hmmm.. discrimination.. or is it profiling?? I like that lol

Sugar said...

roflol!
still laughing here, need to go change my underpants, & also wipe the tears off my keyboard...that's how hard i was laughing! water from both ends!!! lol
huggies...

Tabby said...

Hi Jimmy,

What a funny post! You had me trying to hold in my laughter while reading this at work (shhh). Where did you ever get that picture of the elderly couple on the bench with the guns...ROFLMAO Have a great day!

Missie said...

LOL!

I can always count on your entries to make me smile and laugh.

Thanks!

Have a good evening.

Linda's World said...

Mr Sullivan, loved this one and I'm happy to say~I read it on my own computer. Got home about 8:30 PDT Tuesday. Linda back in Washington where she belongs