Monday, October 3, 2016

Recipe For Disaster - Kitten vs Computer

Friday's post was deleted, thanks to my kitten, Scooter, who has total disregard for my computer. Just before posting, I took a brief bathroom break. I returned to find Scooter sitting on my keyboard and looking at pictures of Rangoon. Cat people will understand.

The Center for Disease Control has warned that although the Swine Flu is prevalent, the Bird Flu is rampant as well. Symptoms of Bird Flu are: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton has vowed to crack down on hackers who launch cyber attacks. She said, "If anyone’s going to abuse U.S. government computers, it’s gonna be me."

Bernie Sanders is campaigning with Hillary. He asked a crowd at one of her rallies, "Is everybody here ready to transform America?" Followed by his next question, "Does anybody here remember where I parked?"

According to the FBI, foreign hackers have made several attempts to breach voter registration websites in the United States with an intent to influence the outcome of the election or steal personal information. The FBI warned, "Bad actors have been repeatedly trying to hack us." It could be a number of suspects — Russia, China, Sylvestor Stallone, Steven Seagal......there are a lot of bad actors out there.

This Date In History: 1226; St. Francis of Assisi, founder of the Franciscan order, died. 1863; President Lincoln declared the last Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day.

1922; Rebecca L. Felton became the first woman U.S. Senator when she was appointed to serve out the term of Senator Thomas E. Watson. 1929; The Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes formally changed its name to the Kingdom of Yugoslavia.

1955; Captain Kangaroo and The Mickey Mouse Club premiered on television. 1974; Frank Robinson was named the first African-American manager in major league baseball. 1990; East Germany and West Germany united to become Germany, 45 years after being split into two countries at the end of World War II.

Picture Of The Day: The citizens of America will learn. It's just a case of the easy way or the hard way.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had several maladies, then 200 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses and now I'm cured. It's a miracle. 2) I saw something on television this weekend and it included an offer for a "free" gift. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? 3) I've discovered that women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them. 4) If there isn't a Chinese millionaire whose name is Cha Ching, then I don't see the point of money.  5) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 30th: Romance permeates the air today, near Bimini and the Bahama Islands. Unfortunately, so is Hurricane Mathew. If you don't happen to be near the islands, then chances are you're to be alone. Safe, but alone. It's your call. Remember, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so make your decision wisely.

Birthdays: John Ross, Native American chief 1790, Pierre Bonnard, painter and illustrator 1867, James Herriot, writer 1916, Gore Vidal, writer 1925, Dave Winfield, baseball player 1951, Stevie Ray Vaughan, blues musician 1954, Tommy Lee, rock musician 1962, Clive Owen, actor 1964, Gwen Stefani, singer 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The pope said, "Sure." The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti"

A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her.

Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!" The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?"

The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!" The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam, now we're just negotiating the price.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students and said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and said, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

The little girl said, "Well, I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

The teacher said, "That must have been scary."The little girl said, "It sure was! My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

That's it for today, my little rice cakes. Remember, the next time someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, "Keep going."

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Enjoyed the read. Great lines in the printables tonight!
Be ready to duck, I hear the wind is headed your way, or is it our way?

salemslot9 said...

Scooter = like butter wouldn't melt