Friday, January 13, 2017
I Don"t Always CH CH CH AW AW AW
I'm not superstitious, but today is Friday the 13th. Don't press your luck if you go out tonight. I wouldn't trust your date if they're late because they were sharpening their machete. This is not a night to be naked. I feel secure at home, sitting safely in my bathroom, covered in peanut butter. This wards off evil spirits.
While the fear of Friday the 13th is often referred as Triskaidekaphobia (which is fear of the number 13), the correct word is Paraskevidekatriaphobia (Fear of Friday the 13th). I occasionally have Stultophobia, which is fear of stupid people who invent phobias. Stultophobia is also known as Dumbassophobia.
There are things you can do to avoid bad luck. For example, if a woman has excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal.....especially if you mention it to her. On Friday the 13th in 1966, a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was run over by a black rapper.
I'm not saying to stay at home and curl up under the bed, but I'm also not advocating that you walk in front of a Mack truck to test the theory either. To me, it's the little things to keep an eye on this evening.
For example, I wouldn't recommend arguing with a woman wearing a black hat tonight. It also occurs to me to avoid hanging out with any of my friends who might be named Jason. No, for the most part, I'm not superstitious but I don't push my luck, either. But, that's just me.....
The News As I See It: Rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton could run for mayor of New York City later this year. While Bill could run to be the next "Naked Cowboy" in Times Square.
On Twitter, porn actress Jenna Jameson bashed Meryl Streep for her Golden Globe speech. Wow, it’s going to be awkward the next time Jameson and Streep do a movie together.
Music streaming app Spotify offered Obama a job as "President of Playlists." Funny, most ex-presidents get offered jobs as corporate lobbyists and they ask the black guy if he wants to be a DJ.
This Date In History: 1898; French writer Emile Zola published his "J'Accuse" letter, accusing the French of a cover-up in the Alfred Dreyfus treason case. 1941; Novelist James Joyce died in Zurich. 1990 Douglas Wilder of Virginia became the first elected African-American governor in the United States.
1999; Michael Jordan announced his second retirement from the NBA. He would "unretire" again in 2001. 2002; After 17,162 performances, The Fantasticks ended its almost 42-year off-Broadway run.
Picture Of The Day: My black cats, Samantha and Scooter, are glaring at me for posting this picture. Actually, Scooter is black and white. He's the mulatto in the family.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The argument between sex versus heart attack can be solved by dating a nurse. 2) Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster. 3) Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around millennials. 4) I think there should be a mandatory test at age 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed. 5) I got a postcard from a blonde girlfriend of mine. It said, "I'm having a great time. Where am I?".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 13th: Your task today is to keep these words in mind: Give a liberal a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a liberal to fish, he'll add to the global over-depletion of the oceans, then complain about global warming while he cashes his government check at the liquor store, so just give him the damned fish.
Birthdays: Jan van Goyen, landscape painter 1596, Salmon P. Chase, public official and jurist 1808, Horatio Alger, American writer 1832, Elmer Davis, radio commentator 1890, Gwen Verdon, dancer, actor 1925, Charles Nelson Reilly, actor, theater director 1931, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, actress 1961, Patrick Dempsey, actor 1966, Orlando Bloom, actor 1977.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man picked up his sexy date at her parent's home. He had saved enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered shrimp cocktail, foie gras, lobster and Dom Perignon champagne, the most expensive items on the menu.
He asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" She replied, "No, but my mother's not expecting sex tonight." He asked, "What would you like for dessert?"
A man goes into Barnes and Noble's book store and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man says, "Yeah that's the one, I'll take a copy please.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my dear friend Linda for her contributions to today's stories.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit to allow you through the gateway to Heaven?"
The cowboy said, "Well, I can think of one thing. On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed. He asked, "When did this happen?" The cowboy replied, "A couple of minutes ago."
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" With a seductive smile, the woman purred, "Yes."
Her husband says, "Thank God, for a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."
That's it for today, my little peas. Remember, If you take the Ginko, you might be able to remember where you put the Viagra. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
Stay Tuned !