Friday, February 3, 2017
Valentine's Day Don'ts For Guys
St. Valentine's Day is the 14th, a special day when men make that last minute attempt to come up with a semi-clever way to say "I Love You" to their significant other. I'm no expert, but I can give the younger guys a few ideas as to what not to give. Trust me on this.
Let's begin with the 4 1/2 foot tall Vermont Teddy Bear. 4 1/2 feet tall....and....it's guaranteed for life. By whom? For life? Who keeps an overgrown teddy bear for life? Who gets custody of old Teddy if there's a divorce? Will there be child support payments until he's eighteen?
Additionally, a big ix-nay for the Pajamagrams and Hoodie-Footies. If you opt to go with these items, I'd keep a nice tennis bracelet or earrings for her as a backup. But that's just me.....
Other bad ideas for St. Valentine's Day gifts include:
1) Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
2) Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
3) Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
4) Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
5) Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
The bottom line? If the gift is heartfelt and sincere, most anything will make them happy. You see, it's the thought that counts.....
The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is reportedly writing a book of personal essays due to be released this fall. It will be the first political memoir written entirely in all caps.
Aladdin Mohammed was stuck in customs at JFK for ten hours last Saturday. You’d think he would have just taken the carpet.
Obama was spotted on vacation in the Virgin Islands this week, wearing a backwards baseball cap, baggy shorts and sneakers. You can take the boy out of Chicago, but you can't take Chicago out of the boy
A top football prospect for Michigan State was unable to sign his letter of intent because he’s in jail. Sounds like somebody’s ready for the NFL!
Arnold Schwarzenegger met Pope Francis at the Vatican and tweeted that he is "a true leader for the Church." Pope Francis tweeted, "I couldn’t understand a word that guy said."
Three people were arrested and charged in New Jersey today after leaving behind a pound of marijuana in their hotel room. How could you forget your marijuana … Oh. Right.
According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who lies well.
This Date In History: 1468; Johann Gutenberg, German printer and inventor, died. 1870; The 15th Amendment (black suffrage) passed. 1913; The 16th Amendment, establishing federal income tax, was ratified. 1917; The U.S. broke off diplomatic relations with Germany.
1959; Rock singers, Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and Big Bopper died in a plane crash. 1995; Colonel Eileen Collins became the first woman to pilot the space shuttle when the Discovery blasted off. 1998; Texas executed Karla Faye Tucker, the first woman to be executed in the United States since 1984.
Picture Of The Day: Truth........
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I go to McDonald's once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car. 2) Xanax - Keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981. 3) Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza, but both are fine when you're drunk. 4) My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 65. She's 75 years old now and we have no idea where the hell she is. 5) It was all fun and games until she noticed that the "rocket" in her five-year-old son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in her nightstand.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 20th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it. The best places to look are wedding receptions and class reunions.
Birthdays: Felix Mendelssohn, composer 1809, Horace Greeley, newspaper editor and founder 1811, Gertrude Stein, author 1874, Norman Rockwell, illustrator 1894, Alvar Aalto, architect and furniture designer 1898, James Michener, author 1907, Joey Bishop, comedian, actor 1918, Linda Wachner, industry executive 1946, J. Catherine Roberts, science teacher 1953, Isla Fisher, comedian, actor 1976.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There are reasons why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends.
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em. When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will.
Jose and Carlos panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home about $100 a day, drives a Mercedes and lives in a big house. Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but you bring home $100 a day. How's that?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get 2 to 3 dollars a day." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."
Obama took a jog near his new home and on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. One day, as he approached the corner, the hooker shouted from the curb, "Hey Obama, a hundred dollars!" Obama fired back, "No, ten dollars!"
This ritual between Obama and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by, she'd holler, "One hundred dollars" and he'd yell back, "No, ten dollars!"
One day, Michelle decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Obama suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $100 offer for all to hear (including Michelle) and he would have to come up with a darn good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Obama became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough, there she was - standing where she always did. Obama tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the couple. Then, from the sidewalk, she yelled, "Hey Obama, see what you get for ten bucks?"
That's it for today, my little pussy cats. Remember, deer live an average of 15 years in the wild, but can live up to 87 in a condominium. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
Stay Tuned !