Friday, March 17, 2017
Happy St. Patrick's Day 2017
May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face; the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand. (traditional Gaelic blessing)
You're in the middle of a project around the house. You're dirty, hot and sweaty. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, the shorts with the hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you do one of the following:
In Your 20's: You stop what you're doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In Your 30's: You stop what you're doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.
In Your 40's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a sweatshirt that's long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she's spicy.
In Your 50's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog shit in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait Shop and it says, "I Got Worms".
In Your 60's; You stop what you're doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you're not sure.
In Your 70's: You stop what you're doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In Your 80's: You stop what you're doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you're looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In Your 90's and beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
The News As I See It: Rachel Maddow’s much-hyped release of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns was considered by many to be a letdown. No one’s been this disappointed by Rachel Maddow since the guy who took her to the prom. The only result of what happened is Rachel Maddow topped Rosie O’Donnell as Donald Trump’s least-favorite lesbian.
Everyone was talking about the big snowstorm that hit New York. In fact, some are said thy experienced a whiteout. Things will even out on St. Patrick’s Day when we'll all experience a blackout.
The blizzard also hit Washington, D.C. You know it’s cold outside when the Washington Monument actually shrinks about 40 feet.
Last weekend, off the coast of Florida, a Carnival Cruise ship almost hit two jet skiers. Today, the captain of the ship apologized and said, "I’ll get them next time."
This Date In History: 1762; The first St. Patrick's Day parade was held in New York City. 1776; British forces evacuated Boston during the Revolutionary War. 1870; Wellesley Female Seminary (later Wellesley College) received its charter from the Massachusetts legislature.
1942; Gen. Douglas MacArthur became supreme commander of Allied forces in the southwest Pacific theater during World War II. 1963; Mount Agung on Bali erupted, killing 1,184 people. 1969; Golda Meir was sworn in as prime minister of Israel.
Picture Of The Day: Happy St. Patrick's Day
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I spent most of my lifetime earnings on women and booze and squandered the rest. 2) If at first you don't succeed, then try playing second base. 3) I've started slipping an occasional "meow" into everyday conversations with people to see if they're really listening meow to me. 4) I find it amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always fits perfectly in the newspaper. 5) Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television. It’s a new show called "Cuba’s Got Talent, but America’s Got Food, Water, Shelter, and Cash.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 17th: Deja vu is the feeling that someone's patronised you before (often by telling you what deja vu means). Purple clouds are not usual, nor is red rain. You really must stop pretending that the pictures your niece draws are real.
Birthdays: Tames Bridger, mountain man 1804, Kate Greenaway, illustrator and watercolorist 1846, Gloria Swanson, actress 1899, Bayard Rustin, civil rights activist 1912, Nat "King" Cole, singer 1919, Rudolf Nureyev, ballet dancer 1938.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two Irishmen were stopped by the police for jaywalking. The sergeant said, "Name?" The first man replied, "O’Connor." The sergeant asked, "Address?" O'Connor answers, "No fixed abode" The sergeant, looking at the other, says, "Name?" The other man replies, "O’Brien, and I live in the flat above him."
After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
She said to her husband, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The husband thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. The first man says, "No, the seat is empty." The stranger says, "That's incredible. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.
Furious he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly. "No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!" The artist said, "And there you have it. I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those f*cking Indians!'"
That's it for today, my little leprechauns. Cheers…and may ye be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows yer dead. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
Stay Tuned !