Friday, May 12, 2017
Remembering Mom On Mother's Day
Mom always allowed we kids a bit of leeway in life. Patience was her virtue. Sister Jeanne was never a problem, but, if I were Mom, I'd have dropped Brother Kirt and I off at an orphanage. Mom persisted, we survived and life continued on.
Sunday is Mother's Day and I find myself reminiscing about picayune squabbling amongst we kids but Mom always turned a deaf ear to these little quarrels...unless it got out of hand.
Mom always had a pine switch nearby and would occasionally use it to show when she meant business. If that didn't work, all she had to say was the dreaded, "Wait until your father gets home." Once Mom told Dad of our bad behavior, the belt came off and we got a whipping.
The best way to stay on the good side of Mom and Dad was to use the obligatory, "Yes sir, no ma'am, please and thank you." Other than that, life was good.
There were no public displays of anger, fighting or screaming because Mom would quickly cuff us good right there in front of God and everybody.
Entering any establishment, I was instructed to hold onto Mom's dress and hold my brother's hand. He, in turn, would hold my sister's hand. The other instruction was not to touch anything.
Mom and Dad have passed on, yet they live in my heart. I wouldn't have traded my life for anything. Happy Mother's Day to all the lovely caring Mothers everywhere.
The News As I See It: North Korea reported that there was a U.S.-sponsored plot launched against Kim Jong Un. Apparently two CIA agents tried to sneak up on Kim and give him a man’s haircut.
Former President Bill Clinton is collaborating on a novel about a U.S. president who goes missing. Clinton is describing the novel as "part fiction, part alibi."
According to a new report, Senator Bernie Sanders’s wife Jane Sanders is being investigated by the FBI for alleged bank fraud. Even worse, Bernie is being investigated by his local deli for alleged Splenda theft.
This day in 1960, the FDA approved the world’s first commercially produced birth control pill. And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9 percent effective means.
This Date In History: 1870; Manitoba became a province of Canada. 1932; The body of Charles and Anne Lindbergh's kidnapped baby was found. 1937; Britain’s King George VI was crowned at Westminster Abbey in London.
1943; Axis forces in North Africa surrendered. 1849; The Soviet blockade that prompted the Berlin airlift was ended. 1970; Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks, swatted his 500th home run. 2002; Former president Jimmy Carter became the first U.S. president (in or out of office) to visit Fidel Castro's Cuba.
2008;Tens of thousands killed and thousands injured when a 7.9 magnitude earthquake strikes Sichuan, Gansu, and Yunnan Provinces in western China. 2012;The 2012 World Expo began in Yeosu, South Korea.
Picture Of The Day: It turns out Congresswoman Maxine Waters is not crazy or insane. She's just from another galaxy.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As the horse fell to the barn floor, he quickly pressed his Life Alert, "Help...I've fallen and I can't giddyup !" 2) To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone. 3) I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
4) Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary? Now you're going 80 mph, putting salsa on your taco, while driving with your knees. 5) I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say, "I don't know, do you think I look fat?".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 12th: You may be better off taking charge of your own laundry today for reasons that the stars do not make clear. The tension between you and a co-worker may ease today as you suddenly realize you both have a common dislike of your ex-mothers-in-law. Participants at your naked twister parties should at least be made to take off their shoes.
Birthdays: Florence Nightingale, English nurse 1810, Henry Cabot Lodge, U.S. Senator 1850, Katharine Hepburn, actress 1907, Dorothy Crowfoot Hodgkin, chemist, Nobel laureate 1910,Yogi Berra, baseball player 1925, Burt Bacharach, composer 1929,George Carlin, comedian 1937, Emilio Estevez, actor 1962.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The surgeon said, "You'll be fine," after finishing the blond woman's surgery. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"
The surgeon paused and his face reddened. The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Two guys are sitting in a boat on a lake, fishing and drinking beer, when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."
Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. She admonished, "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A wise ass at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'll have to write the exam with your other hand."
A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.
She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." To that, the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"
That's it for today, my little tacos. Remember, the human brain starts working the moment you're born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
Stay Tuned !