Saturday, May 27, 2017

Remember The Troops !

Remember the wounded and fallen soldiers, both past and present, of the Armed Forces this Memorial Day weekend. Moreover, remember the wounded warriors that continue to wait medical attention by the corrupt VA hospitals.

The News As I See It: Trump released his new budget proposal and Bernie Sanders said his cuts to Medicaid are "just cruel." But Bernie will get his medicine the same way as always: finding an old pill in his suit pocket.

A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress.

This Date In History: 1521; Martin Luther's writings were banned by the Edict of Worms. 1868;  President Andrew Johnson avoided conviction for impeachment charges of "high crimes and misdemeanors" by one vote. 1940; Allied troops began the massive naval evacuation of troops from Dunkirk, France, during World War II.

1858; Pittsburgh Pirates’ Harvey Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings against the Milwaukee Braves before losing, 1–0, in the 13th.1940 Allied troops began the massive naval evacuation of troops from Dunkirk, France, during World War II. 1958; Pittsburgh Pirates’ Harvey Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings against the Milwaukee Braves before losing, 1–0, in the 13th.

1977; George Willig, "the human fly," scaled the World Trade Center in New York City by attaching himself to the window washer mechanism and walking straight up until falling into police custody when he reached the top. It took Willig three and a half hours to make the climb, and $1.10 in fines—a penny per floor. 1978; The first legal casino to be operated in the United States outside of Nevada was opened in Atlantic City.

Picture Of The Day: This weekend is not just for barbecues.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl. 2) 12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower. 3) When something at the hardware store says it's universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have. 4) Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes and it's barely toasted. Ten seconds more and it's burned beyond recognition. 5) Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 26th: Everything will suddenly sound good to you today. This may be due to an Ophthalmology  appointment you had earlier in the week. Then, again, it may just be because you've won a large amount of money and people want to shower you with platitudes. Speaking of which, you do look amazing today! All of that which you experience today will be catalogued under "things not to do in public again".

Birthdays: Washington Augustus Roebling. engineer 1836, Isadora Duncan, dancer 1878, Al Jolson, actor, singer  1886, Dorothea Lange, photographer 1895, John Wayne, actor 1907, Miles Davis, musician 1926, Stevie Nicks,singer 1948, Sally K. Ride, American astronaut 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat", agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage. She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next.

Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. She explained the problem to the vet.

The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." She asked, "Do you think that will work?" The vet replied, "It just worked for me!"

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy....." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat and then Daddy....."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing and laying down on the seat. Then Little Johnny says, ".....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

A blond wanted to go ice fishing. After getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"

Startled the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the above, the voice bellowed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"

The blond, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!!."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager...."

That's it for today, my little glow worms. Remember, one of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Good one my friend. I used to think you made the Printables up but tonight I know they are TRUE: When something at the hardware store says it's universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

Also I know exactly what the Vet was talking about, don't you?