Saturday, June 10, 2017

Late, Late Friday Edition

Pet food manufacturers should label their flavors as beef, chicken or tuna, but they sell to you, not your pet. So, they label them as "Tuna and Crab casserole" or "Chicken with white rice" I tried it once. It tasted like shit but it did help me with my hairball problem.

They hype flavors such as "Braised Veal with summer peas" or "Steamed Tilapia and Tuna In gravy." My cats have no appreciation for fancy names, basically because they can't read. They are, however, "telepathic" and know to come running when they hear the can opener.

A word to the wise. If your pets like it, let them eat it. They don't really care about the "Fancy" menu description.

The News As I See It: It turns out that Russia actually hacked the company that makes our voting machines. Which explains why anyone who pressed on the "Hillary Clinton" button heard a voice say, "Try again."

Walmart is offering a new service where employees will deliver items to your house on their way home from work. Not only that, they’ll also deliver the items in a Target bag so your neighbors think you have a little class.

A boy in Maryland was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters.

This Date In History: 1870; Author Charles Dickens died. 1898; China agreed to lease Hong Kong to Britain for 99 years. 1934; Donald Duck made his screen debut in The Wise Little Hen. 1944; The Republic of Iceland was established.

1973; Secretariat won the Belmont Stakes and became the first Triple Crown winner in 25 years. 1978; After 148 years, the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints allowed black men to become priests. 1993; Japan's Crown Prince Naruhito married commoner Masako Owada.

Picture Of The Day: The pals.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in bar fight. 2) If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the Taser wrong. 3) When asked to help the kids as to my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance, I said, "Maybe she went Black" and now I don't have to help the with homework any more. 4) My girlfriend would get lost less frequently if her GPS would say, "No, your other left." 5) In Australia, they say tuna, not tuna fish, because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available there.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 9th: This is not the week to speculate. Love comes when you least expect it. 36 percent of all romances start in the bathroom. These two facts are linked and we point them out for your amusement and as something to look forward to. Every day is a winding road, they say. This is especially true today when you find your love walking down a winding road.

Birthdays: Peter the Great, czar of Russia (1682–1725) 1672, Cole Porter, composer 1891, Robert McNamara, defense secretary 1916, Michael J. Fox, actor 1961, Johnny Depp, actor 1963, Natalie Portman, actress 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." Her companion replies, "Odd, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. One nun says,"Two dogs, please." The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers, "What part did you get?"

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that," the husband explained, "My wife and I have a great relationship. She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does gymnastics." The woman looks at the drunk and replies angrily, "I don't do gymnastics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

The bride got a little too drunk at her wedding reception but was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents.

She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator.

She said, "...and finally, I want to thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, don't burn your  bridges behind you, but it's not a bad idea to loosen the bolts a little each day. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Okay dude, the red wine is on my monitor and keyboard at the nun's question! LOL

As ever, enjoyed the read!

Paula said...

I just had a good laugh here. Thanks I needed that.