Friday, June 2, 2017
I Can't Find My Glasses
I've learned to live with the fact that my memory is no longer an asset. I can sing the words to all the old songs, yet I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen. I have to leave reading glasses everywhere I usually sit, ergo, the reason for today's picture.
I've learned little tricks along the way like acting like I'm leaving the kitchen and occasionally my subconscious gives up the secret as to why I'm there.
I've learned to always make a grocery shopping list because I never remember everything I need. This, of course, spawned a new game which I like to call, "Guess what's on the shopping list that that you left on your kitchen counter."
Fortunately, most memory lapses are harmless. I mean who cares if you put your TV dinner in the oven and neglected to turn the oven on. It's really no big deal as you realize you're about to pee into the dirty clothes hamper, but catch yourself before you begin, realizing you threw your dirty socks into the toilet.
Probably the best invention for the older crowd today is the remote on your car key pad that sounds off when you click it. This keeps people from wandering in parking lots trying to figure out where they parked. I've discovered that this particular plan doesn't work well in parking garages.
The moral to the story is that as you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can't remember the other two.....
The News As I See It: Liberals and the liberal media are so angry that Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that they're going to read the Paris Climate Agreement immediately.
There's a new report that says more than half of American workers didn't use all their vacation days last year. They had them, they just didn't take them. So the people who did the study asked why. Some said they did it to impress their boss with their work ethic. The rest said, "I hate my in-laws".
This Date In History: 1886; Grover Cleveland became the first U.S. president to get married in the White House. 1924; Congress granted U.S. citizenship to all American Indians. 1941; Baseball great, Lou Gehrig died of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, ALS, a rare type of paralysis now referred to as Lou Gehrig's disease.
1945; In Italy, a plebiscite rejected the monarchy in favor of a republic. 1953; Queen Elizabeth II of Britain was crowned in Westminster Abbey. 1997; Timothy McVeigh was found guilty of the bombing of the federal building in Oklahoma City. 2003; The European Space Agency launched the Mars Express probe. Contact with the lander Beagle 2 was lost in December.
Picture Of The Day: There's one good thing, though.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I accidentally totaled some woman's car. I saw her kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud. 2) I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name. 3) I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. 4) Years ago, I heard my wife yell from another room, "wrong hole". I was a bit taken aback until I realized that it was just my 4-year-old trying to squeeze his head through the sleeve of his t-shirt. 5) People on Facebook really get pissed when you comment on their hospital check ins with "Glad you're not too sick to post your status.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 2nd: You're a bit crazy. You always have been and you always will be. Change, and your friends will stop liking you as much. Weird dreams may haunt you for the next few months, but may not mean that you're completely crazy.
While you may think that this horoscope is completely useless. I have to admit, I have a very guilty secret. You see, all horoscopes are completely useless.
There - I said it. Now, Mrs McGinty, who taught me everything I know, will rue the day she said I couldn't make it as an astrologer! Curse you Mrs McGinty!
Birthdays: Martha Washington, America's First Lady, wife of President George Washington 1731, John Randolph legislator 1773, Thomas Hardy novelist 1840, Sir Edward William Elgar composer 1857, Johnny Weissmuller swimmer 1904, Barbara Pym writer 1913, Cornel West scholar 1953, Freddy Adu, Soccer 1989.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three engineering students were sitting at a bar together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
The second student said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last student said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
In California, gas went to $5.00 a gallon. Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
That's it for today, my little puppies. Remember, sarchasm is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
Stay Tuned !