Sometimes I Talk To Myself

I have to because sometimes I need expert advice. Being a night owl, I'm subjected to stupid attorneys doing their own TV commercials. I listen to politicians and media types start their sentences with "So...", which is today's substitute for "Um". I sit through moronic commercials that insult my intelligence.

Even a sixth grader knows that "so" indicates the continuation of a thought, not the beginning. They then continue answering every question or beginning new sentences with "So.....".

Yes, I talk to myself. I also answer myself, Some of my best conversations have been with me. I watch General Motors doing commercials using theoretical unknowing participants whose "canned" comments are believable if you're five-years-old.

The news is a joke and every headline or story varies to suit the networks political views and affiliations. The only thing they can't fake is catastrophes because most are obvious. That is, excepting weather reporters who make sure they wade into water to emphasize the situation when dry land is twenty yards away.

Just once, I'd like to see a chicken cross the road without someone questioning his motive. But, that's just me.....

My heart and prayers go out to the people of Texas and Florida who continue to recover from catastrophic hurricanes and to the people of Puerto Rico and Mexico who are currently experiencing hurricane and earthquake woes respectively.  

The News As I See It: Some 7-Eleven stores are now offering what they are calling "restaurant quality" dishes. Olive Garden representatives said, "We're going to try that too."

Target is letting customers download an indoor map to help them find their way around the store. If you get lost at Costco, they just tell you to forget your old life and move in.

Taco Bell said it will start serving alcohol at some locations. So the next time you think that you're having a bad day, imagine the guy who gets cut off by the cashier at Taco Bell.

Happy Rosh Hashanah to my Jewish readers. Of course, Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year. So happy 5778, everybody! I'm so glad it's 5778 because 5777 sucked.

This Date In History: 1901; Queen Victoria of England died after reigning for 63 years (the 4th longest among longest-reigning monarchs and the longest for queens). 1905; 500 workers were killed by the Czar's troops in "Bloody Sunday" in St. Petersburg.

1938; Thornton Wilder's play Our Town first performed publicly in Princeton, N.J. 1973; The Supreme Court legalized some abortions in Roe v. Wade. 1997; The U.S. Senate confirmed Madeleine Albright as the first female secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: Yosemite Sam's pissed too..... !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook and then watching your 2-year-old eat a dog treat from off the floor and then ask for another. 2) My girlfriend told me she had an epiphany last night, which surprised me because that wasn't even my "A" game. 3) What North Korea really needs is some decent barbers who know how to cut hair. 4) Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is, apparently, a skill that I do not possess. 5) My father once told me: "Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie and before you know it, you're either a lawyer or a politician.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 22nd: Your weaknesses may turn out to be your strengths today and you'll find yourself easily swayed by nonsense that you read on Facebook. Don't confuse dumb waiters with Afghani asylum seekers. They're normally taxi drivers. Sex on the beach is not an act, it's a drink.....most of the time.

Birthdays: Michael Faraday, English scientist 1791, Theodore Clement Steele, artist 1847, Babette Deutsch, poet 1895, Tommy Lasorda, baseball manager 1927.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joseph told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no friggin' bike!"

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of Texans took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.

The woman said, "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The sheep herder said, "Sure." So, looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". The herder said, "Wow! That's exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". The woman asked, "What is it?  The herder said, "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, cleaning my barn, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

The woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

That's it for today, my little tumbleweeds. Remember, poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.