As Christmas Day Nears.....

Santa has begun his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his list to see who's been naughty or nice. I'm usually nice but the naughty thing is normally my downfall. I'm relatively sure I won't be one of his stops.

I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). Smart women have already learned how to get the gift they really want.

They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location, a picture and pertinent details of the present complete with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what the man wants.

Mens wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice. Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and socks.

Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves. So that's the basic shopping plans for the weekend. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to all of my family, friends and readers!

The News As I See It: Omarosa, former apprentice contestant and recent White House aide, has been fired. Omarosa is out of a job. So now she'll be doing, well, pretty much the same thing she was doing at the White House. Absolutely nothing.

Do you feel the Holiday spirit enveloping you like a blanket right now? Christmas is 3 days away, which means we only get to hear that Mariah Carey song 7,000 more times.

Nancy Pelosi said that the tax plan is "an all-out looting of America, a wholesale robbery of the middle class" which incidentally, is also the slogan for Whole Foods.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio recently visited Iowa. He meant to visit Queens but the F Train got rerouted.

This Date In History: 1732; Benjamin Franklin began publishing Poor Richard's Almanac. 1776; Thomas Paine published his first American Crisis essay, in which he wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls."

1843; Charles Dickens published "A Christmas Carol." 1946; War broke out in Indochina when Ho Chi Minh attacked the French. 1972; Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings.

1984; Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997. 1998; President Bill Clinton impeached on two counts by the House of Representatives.

Picture Of The Day: Merry Christmas

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hate it when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind. 2) As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me. 3) My daughter once asked me what marriage was like, so I threw out all her Barbie and Ken dolls, except for Fat Barbie and bald, drunken Ken. 4) A liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch......when you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set. 5) I saw a large bear eating a big lunch from the dumpster at Taco Bell. Then he ran off into the woods, ostensibly to prove a point.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 22nd: You may become trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits this week. You can avoid the panther's attack by simply singing along with Michael Bolton but there's no cure from the lingering effects of Bolton's music.

Birthdays: James Oglethorpe, founder of the American colony of Georgia 1696, Thomas Wentworth Higginson, abolitionist 1823, Giacomo Puccini, composer of operas 1858, Connie Mack, baseball player and manager 1862, Edwin Arlington Robinson, poet 1869, Dame Peggy Ashcroft, actress  1907, Lady Bird Johnson, Businessperson, First Lady and Wife of President Lyndon Johnson 1912, Diane Sawyer, television journalist 1945, Ralph Fiennes, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, "We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there."

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish." 

So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card, Asshole....!"

A man's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. The child approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The tyke answered, "Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby."

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

The man replied, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

The woman said, "You're right sir. I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there, get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

Johnny's father said, "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears at all."

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby." The mother said, "Thank you very much, Johnny."

Then, Johnny said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see well?" The mother said "Why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said, "Well, that's great, 'cause he sure as hell couldn't wear glasses!!"

That's it for today, my little elves. Remember, God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a complete disappointment. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.