Monday, August 24, 2015
Be Vewy Vewy Qwiet
I'm looking forward to losing my mind. All it takes is fifteen minutes of watching the news or scanning Facebook and I realize that a lot of people have lost their minds. Fortunately, my little group and I were born crazy and we refuse to grow up.
Today's news flashes were (in no particular order): Three Americans in France beat the shit out of a terrorist asshole (You're welcome, France), the stock market dropped again after Friday's huge drop and everyone in America posted back to school pictures of their children.
Everyone is beginning to post about the 2016 political race. Now this is one of the times I wish we could erase the blackboard and start over (For the young and/or hard of understanding, I have no time or patience to explain what a blackboard and chalk is. Google it).
Today's is about over and tomorrow, I need to buy groceries. While I do need food and other supplies, the fact is that I'm out of beer and we just can't allow that to happen......
The News As I See It: In an interview last week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there are at least ten things that he would like change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for "lamest use of a magic wand."
Donald Trump had an interview with CNN in the lobby of the Trump Tower Hotel this week, and apparently someone yelled, "You'll never win the Latino vote." Then immediately, Trump had the guy deported over to La Quinta Hotel.
Google has developed image-recognition software that can accurately capture what’s happening in a photo, but it still has some bugs. It described Kim Kardashian's recent photo as "Woman being chased by two Butterball turkeys."
This Date In History: 79; Mount Vesuvius erupted and buried the towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum. 1572; 70,000 French Protestants, or Huguenots, were killed in the St. Bartholomew's Day massacre.
1814; The British set fire to the White House and the Capitol when they invaded Washington, DC during the War of 1812. 1821; Mexico gained its independence from Spain with the Treaty of Cordoba. 1949; The North Atlantic Treaty went into effect.
1968; France became the world's fifth nuclear power as it exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific. 1989; Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling.
1991; Mikhail Gorbachev resigned as the general secretary of the Communist Party after a failed coup attempt against him. 1992; Hurricane Andrew hit Florida, causing record damage.
Picture Of The Day: The seas are getting rough.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) This weekend, I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Today I'm learning how to tie my shoes with one hand. 2) I don't burn my bridges but I loosen the bolts a little each day. 3) Political correctness is a useless theorem that allows the few to endanger the many. It is only necessary when being polite to people with ugly children. 4) Marriage can now be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey. 5) If anyone is interested I'll be signing books tonight at Barnes and Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 24th: Don't trust little birdies, most of them tell lies. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, all the good shapes and sizes are already taken. Bread, lightly cooked and buttered. Today's horoscope was sponsored by Toast.
Birthdays: William Wilberforce, politician and humanitarian 1759, Theodore Parker, theologian and social reformer 1810, Felix Mottl, conductor 1856, Jorge Luis Borges, poet and critic 1899, Steve Guttenberg, actor, producer 1958, Cal Ripken Jr, professional baseball player 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Billy declared, "My Father is better than your Father!" Johnny responded, "No, he's not!"
Billy said, "My brother is better than you brother!" Johnny said, "He is not! He is not!" Billy said, "My Mother is better than your Mother!"
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once.
A flat chested young lady went to Doctor Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Doctor Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his crotch and said, "Hickory dickory dock....."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A couple was shopping at the mall and the place was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him were he was.
In a calm voice, her husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store. He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
The second man replies, "I'm from Miami, but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."
That's it for today, my little piccolo players. Remember, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions!
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More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !