Friday, August 28, 2015
Was That You?
There comes a time in one's life when coughs become an uncertain adventure. Unlike my youth when coughing was just a reflexive action unworthy of detailed consideration, today's cough can be accompanied by a plethora of other actions.
After a few of these incidents, one becomes wary of any desire to cough. As for the body's text message to the brain of pending flatulence, it is unwise to take the message at face value. But at some point, the mind finally succumbs in to the ever increasing demands of the body saying. "I give up. Do as you damn well please."
I no longer have any confidence in the body's decision to refer to the pending action as mere flatulence. This distrust comes from previous prevarications from the same source, which turned out to be false.
For some reason, the body also decides to react when one gets up up to walk to the kitchen or other destination by coordinating a series of small pharts, coinciding precisely with each step. All you need is a pair of cymbals and you become the percussion section of a marching band.
Surprise! In reference to Wednesday's post on immigration activist Jorge Ramos rude interruption during Donald Trump's press conference, it has come to my attention that Ramos daughter, Paola, works for the Hillary Clinton Campaign. Quite a co-ink-idink, huh?
The News As I See It: Donald Trump got into it with immigration activist and part-time news anchor, Jorge Ramos from Spanish language television, Univision, who made Donald upset when he jumped in front of the line to ask a question. Trump said, "Go back to Univision," and kicked him out of the place. He's not even president yet and he's already kicking Mexicans out.
Right now in the U.S. the most popular name for baby girls is Emma. The least popular names are Ashley and Madison.
It has been revealed that 100 ESPN employees were on the adultery website Ashley Madison. In other words, infidelity has finally entered the world of sports.
South Korea has agreed to stop broadcasting insulting propaganda over the North Korean border. They've also canceled their Comedy Central roast of Kim Jong Un.
This Date In History: 1609; Henry Hudson discovered Delaware Bay. 1850; Richard Wagner's opera, Lohengrin, premiered at Weimar, Germany. 1922; The first commercial to be broadcast on radio aired on station WEAF in New York City. The ten minute advertisement for the Queensboro Realty Company cost $100.
1955; Emmett Till, a black teenager from Chicago, was abducted and by white men after he supposedly whistled at a white woman in Mississippi. The case was reopened in 2005. 1963; Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his famous "I Have a Dream" speech at the Lincoln Memorial to civil rights demonstrators.
1968; Anti-Vietnam war protesters and police clashed in the streets of Chicago while the Democratic National Convention nominated Hubert H. Humphrey for president.
1981; The Centers for Disease Control announced a medical task force had been formed to look into the incidence of Kaposi's sarcoma and pneumocystis in homosexual men. AIDS was later found to be the cause.
Picture Of The Day: When in doubt, always put on you best "innocent" face.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A young man scolded me the other day for not paying attention to his question. I apologized and asked him if he had graduated from college. He scowled and said, "I majored in liberal arts." Then, he said, "Will that be for here or to go?" 2) My friend's wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So he went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back. 3) An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person. 4) At six, I was left an orphan. What the hell is a six year old supposed to do with an orphan? 5) A friend said to me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." I said, "Really? What kind is it?" He said, "Twelve-thirty.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 28th: Write lots of letters today and you'll appreciate the finer art of stamp licking. Take everything you've got and run like the wind. Sure, it's Monday and notoriously boring but if you interject your style, maybe you can change tht stigma. On second thought, have a few beers and chill and let opportunity come to you. Chance of romance is 37 percent.
Birthdays: Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton, religious leader 1774, Charles Boyer, actor 1899, Bruno Bettelheim, psychologist 1903, Roger Tory Peterson, ornithologist 1908, Robertson Davies, writer 1913, Jason Priestley, actor 1969.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. When she tried to take the step, she discovered that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
A touchy, liberal reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
A woman was in a coffee shop when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her pharts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she started to feel better.
As she finished her coffee that she noticed that everybody was staring at her. It was then that she remembered that she was listening to her iPod.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?’"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress." That ended the interview.....
Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin' around when she hollars out, "Pa, you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."
So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!" Pa yells back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollars back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"
That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, people who complain about the way the ball bounces are usually the ones that dropped it. Depending on the weather, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !