Exploring The Florida Keys

Born and raised in Florida, I have a special relationship with all that Florida has to offer, but I especially like The Florida Keys. Beginning with trips at age 5 with my parents, it holds special memories, some of which I can tell you and others I cannot.

We used to go every year to Conch Key as kids and childhood memories of swimming with my brother and sister remain clearly in my mind. Later trips there produced some funny happenings.

Brother Kirt and I were fishing off the docks one afternoon and Kirt caught a Crawfish (lobster). We had no idea how to take it off the hook, so we walked down to the local bar and grill where my dad was having a beer with friends. We sauntered into the bar to show my father and everyone reacted strangely.

As it turned out, lobsters were out of season and the fine was $500 if you were caught. Both the bartender and dad quickly grabbed our "catch" and removed the hook. Dad told the cook to take it out back and release it.

Kirt and I were happy until we went around to the back of the bar to see if we could see the lobster, only to learn that there was no waterway or beach behind the bar.

In my teenage years, it was a big adventure to take off on a moment's notice with a carload of friends to go fishing in the Keys. There was one long bridge that had a catwalk and we would sit there fishing for anything that would bite. Of course we were also supplied with submarine sandwiches, beer (purchased for us by any friend who was of age) and Hav-A-Tampa cigars.

The night was more about comradery and fun that fishing. Occasionally, one of us would catch something, but due to the current, half the night was spent "setting the hook" on the seaweed that had wrapped around our lines. By the early morning, we were taking a quick swim and the hour drive back to Miami.

Time and space limit my stories, but maybe on Wednesday, I'll continue to relate some of my Keys adventures.

On a sad note: Frank Gifford, NFL legend, famed TV broadcaster and husband of Kathie Lee, has died. Gifford's family said the Pro Football Hall of Famer died suddenly at his Connecticut home of natural causes on Sunday morning. Gifford was 84 year old. Rest in peace, Mr Gifford.

The News As I See It: A clothing company is making T-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages like "Feel the Bern." They were gonna make them for Lincoln Chafee too, but no one wants to wear a shirt that says "Feel the Chafee."

At a recent education summit, Obama admitted that he can’t rap. When they heard, Americans said, "Good! There's enough crap already spewing from your mouth."

According to a new survey, about half of the world thinks kissing is gross. That half is known as "married people."

This Date In History: 1821; Missouri became the 24th state in the United States. 1846; The Smithsonian Institution was established in Washington, D.C., from funds left by British scientist James Smithson.

1921; Franklin D. Roosevelt was stricken with polio at his summer home on Campobello island. 1944; U.S. forces seized Guam from Japan. 1948; Candid Camera with Allen Funt debuted on television.

1988; President Reagan signed a bill that awarded $20,000 to each survivor of the Japanese-American internment. 1993; Ruth Bader Ginsburg was sworn in as the second female U.S. Supreme Court justice.

Picture Of The Day: Pigeon Key housed the workers who built the Seven Mile Bridge from 1908 to 1912 for railroad magnate Henry Flagler, a partner of John D. Rockefeller. It is only permissable to be accessed by boat guided tours from Marathon.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My daughter once asked me what marriage was like, so I threw out all her Barbie and Ken dolls, except for Fat Barbie and bald, drunken Ken. 2) Kinky is when you bring a feather to use while having sex. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken. 3) She berated me, saying that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices, so I threw her into a volcano. 4) My inconsiderate neighbor called my cat fat the other day. It took me two hours to convince my cat that she just had thick fur.  5) My girlfriend complains about everything I do. Apparently, she is unaware there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet me.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 10th: Damning words reach your ears after you hose a neighbor's pet for using your lawn for it's bodily functions. Poo may be flung back across the garden fence if the issue is not resolved within the next few weeks.

The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests.

Birthdays: Herbert Hoover, 31st President of the United States 1874, ANorma Shearer, actress 1900, Jorge Amado, author 1912, Rosanna Arquette, actress 1959, Antonio Banderas, actor 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him and he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Canada, sir."

The manager asked, "Why did you leave Canada?" The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing in Canada but whores and hockey players." The manager said, "My wife is from Canada." The boy replied, "No shit? What team did she play for?"

A man's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. The child approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The tyke answered, "Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a man is suing St Luke's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

In response to the suit, a hospital spokesman replied, "The gentleman's wife was admitted to Ophthalmology. All we did was correct her eyesight."

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going into the toilet.

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed a stuffed bunny from the bedroom and placed it over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, there are literally hundreds of chameleons in your house right now and you don't even know it.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !