Friday, May 20, 2016

Odds And Ends - A Recurring Theme

The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash, that they announced that they are going to solicit corporate sponsors. Soon, sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. So, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack!

Hillary Clinton remarked that the Egypt Air crash appeared to be terrorism. She said the incident reinforces the need for strong American leadership. Frankly, I'm surprised she didn't put the blame on a video like she did with Benghazi.

Donald Trump was officially endorsed today by the National Rifle Association (NRA). The NRA's endorsement comes significantly earlier in the election cycle than previous endorsements by the group. The group did not endorse 2012 GOP nominee Mitt Romney until October 2012.

The News As I See It: Despite Hillary Clinton's promises to be tough on Wall Street, a new report has found that groups supporting Hillary have received $25 million from the financial industry using so-called shadow banks. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has received a new waffle iron for opening a savings account.

According to a new report, Spain's federal debt is now greater than their gross domestic product. Spanish citizens are so upset, they could barely sleep all afternoon.

Bernie Sanders won Oregon. It's funny with Oregon. If recreational marijuana is legal in your state, you can pretty much guarantee Bernie will win it. Democrats are concerned that Sanders' campaign could alienate enough voters to hand Donald Trump the election. Bernie said, “Listen, I'm 74 years old. I'm surrounded by college girls screaming my name. Don't ruin this for me.”

Wendy's has implemented its own invasion. The company is set to debut computerized self-service kiosks in 6,000 of its restaurants this year. It's cheaper than paying morons to flip burgers for $15 an hour.

This Date In History: 1506; Christopher Columbus died in Spain. 1861; North Carolina voted to secede from the Union. 1927; Charles Lindbergh began the first solo nonstop transatlantic flight, departing from Long Island aboard the Spirit of Saint Louis.

1932; Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. 1961; A mob attacked a busload of "freedom riders" in Montgomery, Ala., setting the bus on fire.

1978; Mavis Hutchinson, 53, became the first woman to run across America. The 3,000-mile trek took her 69 days. She ran an average of 45 miles each day.

1996; In a 6-3 vote, the Supreme Court rejected a Colorado measure banning laws that protect homosexuals from discrimination. 2002; East Timor became the what was then the world's newest nation.

Picture Of The Day: The eagle votes.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex's body. Just kidding.....I like the show. Besides, she's buried in the woods. 2) I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself. 3) My friend told me that she went to the doctor this morning and she has mono. In this day and age, I think she should have surround sound. 4) My buddy told me that that his wife was driving him to drink. He's lucky, my ex-wife made me walk. 5) Th ..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 20: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: William Thornton, architect 1759, Dolley Madison, American First Lady 1768, Honoré de Balzac, novelist 1799, John Stuart Mill, philosopher 1806, James Stewart, actor 1908, Moshe Dayan, military leader 1915, Cher, actress, pop star 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and he went to the parish priest and asked if he would say a mass for his poor departed pet.

The priest replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane."

The old man said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" The priest exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Two elderly folks, Murray and Rose, lived in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.

He called in Rose and said, "Rose, you know Murray has already suffered two heart attacks." Rose said, "I don't care. I love him and I want to get married."

The doctor called in Murray and said, "Look, Murray, I know you want to get married, but I must tell you that Rose has acute angina." Murray said, "I know. She's got great tits too!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At New York's Kennedy airport, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, a police spokesperson said he believed the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

When asked to comment on the arrest,  Barry Hussein Soetero-Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"

She continued, "Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts, yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say bite me. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Good read.
Great lines in the news and printables again!
Have a good weekend!!!