Monday, May 30, 2016
True American Heroes
This weekend was an opportunity to gather together with family and friends. These times are the result of the injured and fallen who sacrificed their lives for America. We all give thanks for the selfless service of the brave heroes who gave their full measure of devotion.
The News As I See It: Bob Dylan turned 75-years-old last week. When he made his birthday wish, God said to St. Peter, "I have no clue as to what he just said."
It's being reported the Obama family is planning to move into a nine-bedroom mansion in Washington, D.C. after the president leaves office. It will be the first time a white family moves into a house after a black family moved out.
This Date In History: 1431; Joan of Arc was burned at the stake as a heretic. 1536; King Henry VIII of England married his 3rd wife, Jane Seymour, 11 days after he had his 2nd wife, Anne Boleyn executed. 1911; The first Indianapolis 500 was won by Ray Harroun.
1922; The Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC, was dedicated by Chief Justice William Howard Taft. 1998; An earthquake in Northern Afghanistan (and subsequent aftershocks) killed an estimated 5,000 and injured at least 1,500. A quake on Feb. 4 in the same area had killed about 2,300.
Picture Of The Day: Remember.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch......when you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set. 2) I used to call my ex-wife "Hun." She thought it was short for "honey." Actually, it was short for short for "Attila." 3) I think God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a disappointment. 4) Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it. 5) Kinky is when you bring a feather to use while having sex. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 30th: Shallow puddles may deceive you today. You may hear good news today from an excitable old lady who may turn out to have had a few drinks too many. Keep your distance, she may be trouble. On the other hand, if it's late and the night has been slow......
Birthdays: Alexander Archipenko, sculptor 1887, Irving G. Thalberg, movie executive 1899, Seton Howard Frederick Lloyd, archaeologist 1902, Mel Blanc, actor 1908, Benny Goodman, musician 1909, Gale Sayers, football player 1943.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. The husband explained, "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship."
He went on to say, "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."
An older man went to a job interview. The Human Resources manager asked him, "What is your greatest weakness?" The man replied, "Honesty."
The Human Resources manager said, "I don't think honesty is a weakness." The older man said, "I don't really give a shit what you think."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. He asked, "Don't you have at least one other ball?" His friend replied, "Nope, I only need one ball."
The man said, "Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?" His friend said, "This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."
The man said, "What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" His friend answered, "That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"
The man said, "Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?" His firend said, "No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"
Exasperated, the man asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?" His friend replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the man asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" His friend replied, "I found it."
That's it for today, my little pedal pushers. Remember, don't cry because it's over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
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More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !