Friday, November 18, 2016
Canadian Mounties Prepare For US Liberal Flood
Trump-fearing American liberals began sneaking across the border into Canada this morning. Trump’s victory is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pay taxes and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota, said, "I found a liberal hiding in my cornfield. He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken. I went out to milk the cows the other day and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn."
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming.
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
An Alberta border patrolman said, "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions, I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump supporters.
Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD's and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones.
An Ottawa resident said, "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them. After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?"
The News As I See It: Obama was in Greece to meet with the Greek prime minister. Yep, he began his final foreign trip in Athens, Greece, while back in the White House, Joe Biden held his final toga party as vice president.
Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together. Pence was like, "I’m eager to discuss the issues facing our nation." While Biden said, "If you tell the waiter it’s your birthday, you get a free piece of cake."
There are reports that Bill Clinton encouraged Donald Trump to run for president. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, "It hasn’t been this tense around my house since.....well, you know…"
This Date In History: 1558; Queen Elizabeth I of England ascended to the throne upon the death of her half-sister Queen Mary. 1800; Congress met in Washington, DC, for the first time. 1869; The Suez Canal opened in Egypt.
1917; Sculptor Auguste Rodin died in Meudon, France. 1968; Night of the "Heidi bowl:" NBC switched from football to movie of Heidi. In the missing 42 seconds, the lagging Raiders scored two touchdowns, defeating the Jets.
1973; President Nixon said "I am not a crook." 1989; The beginning of the "Velvet Revolution," which led to the downfall of communism in Czechoslovakia.
Picture Of The Day: Barry is also seeking to move to Canada to be with his people. I'm unsure as to why as there are only 50 to 60 Kenyan families living there.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds. 2) My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo and Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins. 3) Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice. 4) In the South, we don't hide crazy. We parade it around on the front porch and give it sweet tea. 5) Three out of four voices in my head want to sleep. The other voice wants to know if penguins have knees.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 18th: Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend or a cat's best friend. Actually, dogs are totally flexible.
The post office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that, for once, is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder.
Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds suddenly appear every time you are near.
Birthdays: Louis XVIII, king of France 1755, Lee Strasberg, stage director 1901, Eugene Paul Wigner, physicist 1902, Isamu Noguchi, sculptor 1904, Rock Hudson, actor 1925, Martin Scorsese, film director 1942, Danny Devito, actor, director, producer 1944, Lorne Michaels, TV producer 1944.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A country boy came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
The fireman replied, "Okay! How do we get there?" The country boy says, "Shucks, don’t y'all still have those big red trucks?"
The doctor said, "I can't find a cause for your illness. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." The patient replied, "In that case, I'll come back when you're sober."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class, "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick him, she chose little Mary.
Mary answered, "I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." The teacher said, "Very interesting, Mary."
Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him. Johnny said, "I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"
Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room, I saw my mom with her feet in the air saying, 'Oh God!' If it hadn't been for Dad on top of her holding her down, she'd be in heaven"
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
The host asked, "Why is that?" The blonder replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it. After two drinks.....anyone can!"
That's it for today, my little meadow larks. Remember, Foreign Aid is the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
Stay Tuned !