Turkey Day Survivors

I love Thanksgiving turkey but I don't like cooking it. But In my case, the smoke alarm was due for a test any way. As it was, my turkey dinner was nostalgic in that it was the first breast I've touched in three months. But, I digress.....

This year reminded me of the more grandiose Thanksgivings of yore. In-laws and outlaws, grandmas and grandpas, cousin, kids and then that one person that no one seems to know who probably just looked at all the parked cars and came in.

Hugs and kisses, poses and pictures, bringing the family gossip to date, Meanwhile, Old Aunt Cora, who, after three Bloody Marys, looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'"

Finally, the meal is served. I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage and everyone begins eating. Eventually, the conversation becomes reduced to politics and football, with the latter becoming dominant as the games begin on television.

Cheering and drinking, cheering and drinking...drinking... and the games are over. Kids and older adults are sleeping where they can and the end of the evening is drawing nigh.

There are those making plans for Black Friday shopping and there are those who will sleep all day Friday. I am one of the latter. Until next year, Happy Thanksgiving!

The News As I See It: Victoria’s Secret was open at 5 p.m. on Thanksgiving and will stay open all the way through Black Friday. Because if there's one thing people want to do, it's stuff their faces all day, then try on some lingerie

Many Americans deep-fried their turkeys this year. But to save myself some time, I just stuffed my turkey with a Samsung Galaxy.

Thes tock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there's one thing we've learned over the past decade it’s that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well.

The Dow Jones industrial average topped 19,000 today for the first time. When they heard that, Americans everywhere nodded in approval as if they actually know what the Dow Jones industrial average is.

This Date In History: 1758; The British captured Fort Duquesne (Pittsburgh) in the French and Indian Wars. 1783; The British evacuated New York City, their last military position, after the Revolutionary War. 1841; The slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839 were freed by the Supreme Court. They had been defended by former president John Quincy Adams. 1947; Movie executives blacklisted the "Hollywood Ten."

1986; Iran-Contra scandal broke. 1998; Jiang Zemin became the first Chinese head of state to visit Japan since World War II. 1999; Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the coast of Florida. 2002; President George W. Bush signed into law the Department of Homeland Security and named Tom Ridge as head.

Picture Of The Day: Not every turkey met its fate on Thanksgiving Day.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They found water on Mars. I wonder how long before they bottle it and sell it at Whole Foods for $19? 2) I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I'd be willing to bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud Light than with Kay. 3) I wish that Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 4) Kim Kardashian is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Kim's maximum capacity is 500 members. 5) I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast and then I killed them and took their land.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 25th: Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good way to start the weekend. Don't worry about the rain. It will clear up by tomorrow night. Hopefully, your skin will clear up as well. Romance and possibly money should be heading your way.

Birthdays: Félix Lope de Vega Carpio, dramatic poet 1562, Andrew Carnegie, industrialist and philanthropost 1835, Carry Moore Nation, temperance advocate 1846, Pope John XXIII, religious leader 1881, Virgil Thomson, composer 1896, Ba Jin, modern novelist 1904, Joseph DiMaggio, professional baseball player 1914, Ricardo Montalban. actor 1920, John Larroquette. actor 1947, John F. Kennedy, Jr. publisher, lawyer 1960, Amy Grant, pop musician 1960, Christina Applegate, actress 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young man scolded me the other day for not paying attention to his question. I apologized and asked him if he had graduated from college. He scowled and said, "I majored in liberal arts." Then he said, "Will that be for here or to go?"

A man was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No, ma’am. They’re all dead."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old man went into the job center in downtown Denver and saw a sign advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and said, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."

The clerk continued, "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. Then you apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, rubbing in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

The old man said, "Good grief....is that where the job is?" The clerk said, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

Murray Lipschitz passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Murray would be pleased." Her friend, Rachel, said, "I'm sure you're right."

Rachel lowered her voice, leaned in close and asked "How much did this really cost?" Rose said, "All of it....thirty thousand." Rachel exclaimed, "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Rose answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Rachel computed quickly and said, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" Rose said, "Two and a half carats."

That's it for today, my little gobblers. Remember, sarchasm is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !