Saturday, December 3, 2016
Like A Box Of Crayolas
Today's television commercials are starting to look like a meeting of the United Nations. I'm fine with diversity, but I'd rather define reality for myself than have television give me their interpretation, especially after the biased presidential election coverage.
I can see a commercial producer saying to his assistant. "Hmmm, this doesn't look right. Bring in one and a half Asians, a white midget and a dog. Yep, definitely a dog."
What moron came up with this inane idea? It is so apparently wrong that the mere thought of staging a politically correct group commercial reminds me of the slanted politics over the past year.
By the same token, the liberal ABC morning news at 3 am (yep, I'm up), always has a Black male anchor and a Latin female anchor. Even when the regulars get the day off, they're replaced with the same ilk. Apparently, affirmative action is alive and well.
Of course, I now favor affirmative action since I complained and threatened to sue the National Basketball Association for discrimination. I am now the starting forward for the Miami Heat.
The News As I See It: Kellogg’s cereal pulled their advertising from the conservative website Breitbart News and its readers responded by calling for a boycott of all Kellogg’s products. Breitbart received a lot of criticism for running questionable news stories during the election. So basically Breitbart counts as real news in the same way that Apple Jacks counts as real fruit.
Kellogg’s pulled their ads because they say Breitbart promotes discrimination. It really isn’t a surprise that Kellogg’s would be sensitive about this. The mascots of Rice Krispies cereal are three male elves that all live together.
The CEO of Starbucks announced he’s stepping down. He’s going to become the CEO of the Starbucks across the street.
The holiday season is in full swing and Macy’s has hired over 80,000 seasonal employees. So, good news, the busiest shopping time of the year is being run by people who have had exactly one day of training.
Donald Trump said he will not try and send Hillary Clinton to jail. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Hey Donald, you promised!"
In the next few years, the federal government is planning to forgive $100 billion of student debt. So, congratulations to six University of Southern California grads and maybe two from UCLA.
An expert panel has recommended that a medically-induced pregnancy made from three people’s DNA could begin as early as next year. So finally some good news for the Jonas Brothers.
This Date In History: 1818; Illinois became the 21st state in the United States. 1833; Oberlin College in Ohio became the first coed institution of higher learning in the U.S. 1910; Mary Baker Eddy, founder of the Christian Science movement, died.
1919; French painter and sculptor Pierre A. Renoir died at age 78. 1967; Dr. Christiaan N. Barnard performed the world's first successful human heart transplant. 1984; A cloud of deadly poison gas leaked from the Union Carbide plant in Bhopal, India, killing over 4,000 people.
Picture Of The Day: Diversity is nice to have, but it doesn't quite work out like a fairy tale. In a zoo, the inhabitants are housed in close proximity. The nature of the beast in its natural state, tigers tend to hang out with tigers, rabbits with rabbits, et cetera.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's not a "junk drawer," it's a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits. 2) I'm glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now and the other half one minute from now. 3) I was given three wishes by a genie. I wished my children happiness, success and their very own little shithead who neglects to replace the toilet paper roll. 4) The difference between Congress and a federal prison is that one is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. 5) When asked to help the kids as to my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance I said, "Maybe she went Black" and now I don't have to help the with homework any more.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 3rd: Your brain is overflowing with truly brilliant ideas. Focus on making your dreams a reality. The future holds many wonderful things, however, many of them exclude you in their plans. A romantic hotel break may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Bring someone with you this time.....
Birthdays: Gilbert Stuart, painter 1755 Ellen Swallow Richards, chemist and educator 1842 Anna Freud, psychoanalyst 1895 Jean-Luc Godard, film director 1930 Ozzy Osbourne, rock musician 1948 Julianne Moore, actress 1960 Daryl Hannah, actress 1960 Katarina Witt, skater 1965 Brendan Fraser, actor 1968
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stood him up to get to his wallet so they could find out where he lived, but he kept falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they got to his house, They pulled him out of the car, he falls again and they drag him to the front door. His wife came to the door and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife says, "Thank you so much. Where's his wheelchair?"
A young boy of five was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate that he would be gone for awhile to have surgery. On the day he was admitted, his mother asked the doctor if he could also circumcise him while he was asleep. The doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.
After about a week, he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year. The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This decision is not based on religious reasons - they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
That's it for today, my little jelly beans. Remember, condoms cannot guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
Stay Tuned !