April Fool !

April Fools! The Middle East crisis is still going strong. Everyone's trying to leave the area. Americans stuck in libya say they're frustrated because other countries seem to be evacuating their citizens faster. On the bright side, we're almost finished evacuating New Orleans.

A Libyan soldier's life was saved when he was given a Libyan rebel's heart in a heart transplant operation. The soldier is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself. The farmers there are feeding their cattle healthier food to reduce the amount of gas they produce. They say they won’t fall for the old "pull my hoof" trick.

The News As I See It: President Obozo didn’t throw any first pitches for Major League Bseball's opening day. Of course, he did throw us that curveball on Libya. Obozo’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

In an interview with ABC, President Obozo said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, "Call this number and tell them Nancy sent you."

Over a million female employees are suing Walmart claiming that women are paid less than men. Walmart denied the claim, saying they underpay all their employees equally.

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

This Week In History: 1789; Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania was elected the first Speaker of the House of Representatives. 1933; The Nazi persecution of Jews began in Germany with a boycott of Jewish businesses. 1945; American forces landed on Okinawa during World War II.

1960; The first U.S. weather satellite, TIROS-1, was launched from Cape Canaveral. 1970; President Nixon signed a bill into law banning cigarette ads from radio and television. 1976 Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs founded Apple Computer. 1979; Ayatollah Khomeini proclaimed the establishment of the Islamic Republic of Iran.

2001; Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic arrested on corruption charges. 2003; Pvt. Jessica Lynch was rescued by U.S. commandos in a raid on an Iraqi hospital. 2004; President Bush signed the "Laci Peterson" bill making it a separate federal crime to harm a fetus during an attack on the mother.

Picture Of The Day:It's April Fools Day and when I look at the leaders of our country, almost any of them can be a poster child for this observance.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 2) All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors. 3) Everyone believes in heredity until their children act like fools. 4) An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. 5) Fools rush in - and get all the best seats......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - April 1st: Cartoons will flavor the day for you, today, giving you ideas and humor. Potato salesmen may call today and leave you a spud on your doorstep.This week may cause some problems for you as your secrets are shared across the Internet. The last few weeks have seemed like hell and there's little respite this week as you continue on your steamy voyage down the porcelain receptacle. Having a secret agenda is all very good, but posting it on your blog Internet is not advisable.

Ariens are probably due for a bit of a come-back. During the 90s and the early part of the 00s, Aries was often the sign that everyone else blamed for their collective misfortunes.Temptation looms high over the agenda today as you suddenly notice that the girl who works with you has rather a nice bottom and appears to make you need to stare at it.

Birthdays: My sweet Nicole. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, William Harvey physician 1578, Otto Von Bismark statesman 1815, James Fiskfinancial speculator 1834, Edmond Rostand poet 1868, Toshiro Mifuneactor 1920, Milan Kundera writer 1929, Debbie Reynolds singer, dancer, actress 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A group of ladies from the Cottonwood Baptist Church got together each month to have lunch, each lady hosting on an alternating basis.When it came time for Alice to be the host, she wanted to outdo all the others.

Alice wanted to have mushroom-smothered steak, but mushrooms are expensive. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed." She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So Alice decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Old Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Old Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Alice watched Old Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Alice even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed and socialized.

About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Alice's ear. She said, "Old Spot just died." Alice went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now", and he left.

The ladies were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know that fellow that ran over Old Spot never even stopped."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Three friends married women from different parts of the country. The first man married a woman from Alabama. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Dakota. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Nebraska. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

A man went fishing this morning, but after a short time, he ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. He thought, "Frogs are good bass bait." Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in his bait bucket.

Just then, he realized he had a problem. How was he going to release the snake without getting bit? So, he grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. He released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, he felt a nudge at his foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

That's it for today my little lily pads. Thank God it's Friday! I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

There's No Fool Like An April Fool.....Or So They Say

After putting it off until Old Mother Hubbard's proverbial cupboard was nearly bare, I went to the grocery store yesterday to stock up and the sticker shock just about floored me. Now I am not one who normally worries too much about prices and I simply make a list, go the store and purchase the items on the list. Seems simple enough, doesn't it?

I left for the grocery store about 1:00 pm and after a brief stop at the drug store, I went into Publix and began filling up my cart. I enjoy the excursion once I get to the store, it's just mustering up the desire to get up and go there that leaves me with an empty refrigerator and pantry.

I normally go to the store in the middle of the week at a time that most people are working. This gives me a rather empty and normally childless store to wander about at will. In addition to the uncluttered aisles there's usually two or three lovely women shopping as well, adding a little extra spice to the experience.

I knew that my bill would be higher than usual because it had been a while since I went shopping and I really didn't think too much about the checkout line. Of course, I totally disregarded the number one cardinal rule of shopping....eat before you go.

So, there I was, wandering through the aisles, purchasing the "I'm really hungry" equivalent of chocolate covered ants or anything else that caught my eye. There was an aisle or two that I don't really remember exactly what I put in my cart as I was watching a shapely lady in front of me and I was trying to pass her to see what she looked like.

When I got to the checkout line, I was pleased that I had not forgotten anything and there was no one in the line. As I unloaded the cart, I saw a man walk in the store with a wet umbrella and, as usual, mine was in the car in case the car needed it. That should have been an omen to me but it wasn't.

I heard someone say, "that will be $247.00" and I didn't look up because I knew she wasn't talking to me. That person said anew, "Sir, that's $247.00," and it was my cashier. After recovering from the sudden rush of blood to my head, I thought. "I'm going to take some of this crap back, especially the chocolate covered ants." And I would have too, but the shapely young lass that I had been watching in the "chocolate covered ant" aisle and was waiting to check out her order and.......

Free credit report companies....you've seen them; you've heard their little musical parodies song by a bunch of nimrods in pirate costumes. Well, the outfits are somewhat descriptive of these companies. They are pirates and they're out to scam you out of your money. If they wanted to be more visually truthful, they should be dressed as thieves.

The government is also aware of their scams and have established a credit report site called https://www.annualcreditreport.com/cra/index.jsp Don't fall for the hype. You can end up spending $10-15 a month for something that is free.

The credit report companies have always been required by law to furnish a yearly free credit report, free of charge, to all that request one. The companies you see advertising on television are nothing more than opportunists using the unregulated Internet to scam innocent users.

AREA 51 Breaking News And Reports: Washington AREA 51 member and correspondent Linda reports that in honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins has issued a new flavor called "Barocky Road." It's half vanilla, half chocolate and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change and holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream. Reports are that not many people are feeling stimulated.

This Date In History: 1621; Massasoit, chief of the Wampanoags, and John Carver, governor of Plymouth Colony, sign the first peace treaty between Native Americans and Pilgrims. 1918; The Royal Air Force is created following the amalgamation of the Royal Flying Corps and the Royal Naval Air Service. 1945; US forces invade the Japanese island of Okinawa during World War II. Coast Guard petty officer James Sullivan receives a picture of his newborn son, James Jr, and proudly shows his newborn son's picture. Petty officer Sullivan points proudly at the size of his son's manhood until he is told that it's the boy's umbilical cord.

1979; Following a referendum, Iran is declared an Islamic Republic by the Shiite Muslim leader Ayatollah Khomeini. 1984; Soul singer Marvin Gaye is shot dead by his father in Los Angeles. 1991; The Warsaw Pact military alliance of Communist Eastern Europe is dissolved. 1999; Nunavut becomes the third independent territory in Canada.

Picture Of The Day: It's April Fool's Day, dontcha know and I'd be remiss if I didn't have today's theme reflect some of the parodies and jokes of the past. Then again, just about everything I write is a joke about somebody or something. Well, just about everything...

Nevertheless, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I expect to see the media doing their own little April Fool's day ditties, not realizing that a lot of the media themselves are a constant, 24-7-365 April Fool's day joke.

Birthdays: My Sweet Nicole. Happy Birthday, mi flaca linda ! 19XX, William Harvey, physician 1578, Abbé Prévost, French novelist 1697, Otto von Bismarck, German statesman 1815, Edmond Rostand, French playwright 1868, Edgar Wallace, mystery writer 1875.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've learned that a man can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as he buys her a few drinks first. 2) The picture of me with a drink in my hand on my sidebar was taken aboard a Carnival Cruise line ship during a Christmas Party for Carnival's employees. I attended the party with my sister Jeanne and ended up performing at a piano bar. 3) I wonder if infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery. 4) While fishing with my buddy Victor in the Florida Everglades, our boat motor broke down and we had to paddle 4 miles with one oar before we got back to the fishing camp. Needless to say, it took all night. 5) I never worry about anything I can't change....except for diapers.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

A man had a bunch of Canadian dollars he needed to exchange, so he went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. The line was short with the exception of an an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo dis many yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too."

Did you see my April Fool's Day joke? It's not hidden but it's well disguised.

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation. The cowboy said, "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him? The Indian replies, "Dog no talk." The cowboy turns to the dog and says, "Hey boy, how's it going?" The dog responds, "Doin' alright."

The cowboy asks the dog, "Is this Indian your owner?" The dog replies, yep." The cowboy says "How does he treat you?" The dog answers, "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The cowboy asks the Indian, "Mind if I talk to your horse?" The Indians says, "Horse no talk." The cowboy turns to the horse and says, "Hey horse, how's it going? Is this Indian your owner? The horse says, "Yep, he's my owner and he treats me great. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

The cowboy then asks the Indian,"Mind if I talk to your sheep?" The Indian replies, "Sheep liar."

That's it for today my little April showers. I'm heading to AREA 51 to see if there's any April Fools. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !