The New Samsung Galaxy S5 Copy - The iPhone6 Has Arrived

Apple released the iPhone6 today. Good news for some, I guess. I use my cellphone to make phone calls, text, take an occasional picture or video and GPS to find my way home from the bar. They can keep the rest of the "new technology."

It has taken Apple months to come out with their version of the Samsung Galaxy, a far better phone. The only thing that the iphone has made better is that it takes three months for the glass to crack or break.

According to the news, people have been waiting in line, even camping, in front the Apple store to be one of the first to own the new phone which will be obsolete in one month.

I used to camp out when I was a kid. I can't imagine camping out in front of a store unless it is beside a river. The neat thing is that there are people you can pay who will sit in line for you. This way, after paying the kid to sit in line for you, your new (soon to be obsolete) iphone will cost you $2,250. Such a deal !

As for me, I'm going to stick with my Blackberry Q10. It took me too long to almost learn how to operate it and, as I'm told, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. An old dog, however, has usually saved enough money to pay some liberal arts graduate to sit in line for you.....



Fear not, Apple fans, the iPhone continues to evolve

The News As I See It: The people of Scotland voted on whether to declare independence from the United Kingdom. Scotland voted against independence. Great Britain's major concern was that they would lose Scotland and could be cut off from a major supplier of bagpipes and kilts.

The official ballot was one line: "Should Scotland be an independent country?" And that's it. Why is it that I have to go through 18 pages of terms and conditions to download iOS 8 while a whole country can secede from the United Kingdom by checking a box that says "Yes"?

At San Francisco's airport last Tuesday, customs officials confiscated 20 giant millipedes. You should never bring a millipede on an airplane. There's just not enough leg room.

The NFL continues to disappoint. The Good News: A member of the Baltimore Ravens has retired from football so he can donate a kidney to his brother. The Bad News: Since receiving the new kidney, the brother has committed six felonies.

In other NFL news, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has put his post-college resume online for everyone to see. It worked. He starts tomorrow at Quiznos.

Royal Caribbean cruises will soon be adding robotic bartenders that can shake drinks, cut limes, and precisely measure alcohol. While Carnival Cruises announced they will soon be adding plumbing.

This Date In History: 1881; President James Garfield died of a gunshot wound inflicted by a disappointed office seeker the previous July 2nd. 1934; Bruno Hauptmann was arrested for the Lindbergh baby kidnap-murder.

1955; President Juan Peron of Argentina was deposed and exiled after a military coup. 1957; The United States conducted its first underground nuclear test in the Nevada desert.

1962; Gov. Ross Barnett blocked James Meredith from enrolling in the University of Mississippi. 1985; The Mexico City area was struck by the first of two devastating earthquakes that claimed thousands of lives. The second earthquake hit 36 hours later.

1994; U.S. troops entered Haiti to enforce the return of exiled president Jean-Bertrand Aristide. 2001; The Pentagon ordered combat aircraft to the Persian Gulf following the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

Picture Of The Day: Let the indoctrination begin.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Every time I'm watching something on TV that I really like, my girlfriend starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn't use them. 2) My tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I'd regret for the rest of my life.

3) Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nose hair. 4) When people say things like "You can't change the past", I can't help but wonder what it must be like to be that brilliant. 5) Is it just me or are fewer and fewer mustachioed villains tying women to the train tracks these days?.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5-year-old says he needs a potty stop or he's going to take a dump in the minivan, he's not making idle threats.

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 19th: Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good way to start the weekend. Don't worry about the rain. it will clear up by tomorrow night. Hopefully, your skin will clear up as well. Romance and possibly money should be heading your way.

Birthdays: My friend, Emilio - Happy Birthday 19XX, George Cadbury, manufacturer, social reformer 1839, William Hesketh Lever, soap-maker, philanthropist 1851, Benjamin Reifel, Sioux activist and U.S. representative 1906, Sir William Golding, English novelist 1911, Jim Abbott, baseball pitcher 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs.....enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" She answers with a seductive smile, "Yes..."

Her husband says, "Thank God, for a minute I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

There was a loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time, just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she'd take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. The little girl said, "Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.

She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the parrot down on the table. The parrot looked around and said, "New house, new madam." The woman thought, "That's not so bad."

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, two new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either. Later that evening, her husband Ray came home. The parrot said, "Hi Ray!"

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

The mother-in-law asked, "What are you doing?" The daughter-in-law said, "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work. I am wearing my love dress." The mother-in-law said, "Love dress? But you're naked!"

The daughter-in-law replied, "My husband loves me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. Her husband said, "What are you doing?" His wife whispered sensually, "This is my love dress." Her husband replied, "Needs ironing....."

That's it for today, my little pinto beans. Remember, never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros. I'm going to happy hour at AREA 51. See you there!

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Odds And Ends - Mostly Odd

Credit card interest rates average 15.06 percent. The amount banks pay to customers range from .01 percent on savings accounts to .08 percent for a CD. Uh, what's wrong with this picture?

There are over 1,000 troops in Iraq. Obama says there are not now and will not be any (trite cliche) "boots on the ground". Obie says that confidently about the troops because he sent them there wearing golf shoes.

3,000 troops to Africa to stop Ebola? Yeah, that's a good idea. When Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi heard this, they looked it up on Google maps. How about sending those 3,000 troops to the southern border. Charity begins in the home.

I'm beginning to see more and more political ads as we near the mid-term November elections. It's the same old rhetoric. In Florida, the gubernatorial race has incumbent Rick Scott (R) and challenger Charlie Christ (D) exchanging charges of misconduct, theft, malfeasance and bribery. They're both correct.

The News As I See It: Bill Clinton criticized Republicans for spending all their time dissing Obama. The Iowans missed the rest of the speech because they were busy looking up the word "dissing."

Hillary Clinton also gave a speech in Iowa. She fueled speculation that she’ll run for president when she admitted that she's "thinking about it." Next week, she'll be "thinking about it" when she's in New Hampshire before she spends a few days "thinking about it" in Florida.

Vice President Joe Biden traveled to Iowa this week, as well, three days after Hillary Clinton’s high-profile return to the state. He’ll spend two days there - one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze.

Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called "Nuns on the Bus" kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it's his way of giving back, while the nuns say it's God's way of testing their faith.

The FBI debuted its new facial recognition software which will archive the faces of tens of millions of Americans every day. This groundbreaking, amazing new software is called Facebook.

The iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus received 4 million pre-orders in the first 24 hours. Meanwhile, the new Blackberry keeps driving by your house to see if you’re home.

Apple gave the new U2 album to all of their customers for free. It just showed up in their iTunes. People were upset about it. There was so much backlash that Apple built a web page specifically for users to delete the album from their accounts. You just enter your birthday and if you’re under 40 years old, it deletes the album.

Al-Qaida has issued an online message denying allegations that their organization is in decline, although I don’t think it helped that they posted it on LinkedIn.

ABC broadcasted the Miss America Pageant. It's the annual competition in which women parade their almost naked bodies in front of a panel of judges. Whomever is deemed to have the best one gets a scholarship so she can never have to parade her almost naked body around for money again.

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitution was completed and signed by a majority of the delegates attending the constitutional convention in Philadelphia. 1862; The bloodiest day in U.S. military history occurred at the Battle of Antietam when more than 23,000 were killed or wounded.

1908; Lt. Thomas Selfridge, a passenger in a plane piloted by Orville Wright, became the first airplane fatality when the craft crashed. 1920; The American Professional Football Association, a precursor of the NFL, was formed in Canton, Ohio.

1980; Anastasio Somoza Debayle, former president of Nicaragua, was assassinated in Paraguay. 1994; Heather Whitestone of Alabama became the first deaf Miss America. 2004; Barry Bonds became the third baseball player to hit 700 career home runs, joining Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth.

Picture Of The Day: A floating houseboat in the remote waters of British Columbia, Canada. I could spend a month there.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cleaning the house while kids are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos. 2) Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 1,582 times, you're a weatherman. 3) I got chased by a thief trying to steal my wallet. I got away, but he gave me a good run for my money!

4) Chuck E. Cheese will make you never want to have children. Unfortunately, when you finally go there, it's too late. 5) I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering a pizza to be delivered to the bar and another one to my house.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 17th: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver. Of course, you're not, but it's the thought that counts. Today should be good for you but I wouldn't eat any seafood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't go near any body of water in your condition.

Birthdays: Christian Louis Lange, pacifist 1869, William Carlos Williams, poet and physician 1883, Warren Earl Burger, fifteenth Chief Justice of the United States 1907, Hank Williams, country singer 1923, Anne Bancroft, actress 1931, David H. Souter, Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."

He continued, "From now on when I say 'Bell 1', I want you to strip naked. When say 'Bell 2', I want you to jump in bed. And when I say 'Bell 3', we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is Bell 4?" His wife replied, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

They went on and on, then the Greek says, "We invented sex." The Italian says, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

The service station attendant asked, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" The woman said, "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." The attendant said, "Ah, that explains it, ma'am........Indians ride bareback."

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

The priest takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "That my bike."

That's it for today, my little goobers. Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. It's time for an AREA 51 adventure at happy hour. See you there.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Jammin' With The REGS BAND At Woody's West End Tavern

My Friday AREA 51 adventures took me to Woody's Tavern to see my long time friend, Scotty Migone, who I have known since he was about 14 years old. Scotty is the talented lead-guitar player for The REGS BAND who performed at that evening.

I was also fortunate to be in the company of my friends Luly, husband Paul, and Debbie. Although it's been a while since I've listened to the REGS BAND live, they never disappoint me and their performance was outstanding.

The inimitable recording artist Scotty Migone

I arrived later than intended, forgetting the fact that the Florida East Coast railway subscribes to my GPS position and makes sure that we always cross paths. I think they stop the train and wait for me, to make sure I get to count every train car ever created. They even go out of their way to back up a half mile or so, in case I lose my count. Fortunately, my friends had a table close to the band and had saved me a seat.

We were lucky to have good weather as the venue is outdoors and, although it has a roof, the damn thing leaks when it rains.

Well, the night went on and I was really enjoying the music when my pal, Johnnie Walker Black, thought it would be a good idea to sit in with the band. Fortunately, Scotty knew the song I had in mind so.....I sat in. Onstage, I realized the key was too low for me, so I asked Scotty to change the key.

After a bit of fumbling, I got in sync with the band and we finished fairly strong. Sitting in with a live band and performing an unrehearsed number is no piece of cake, but when you're playing with pros, it doesn't take long to get on track.

After the last set, I got to spend time with Scotty, the band, and another old friend, Danny. In music, timing is everything and right after the set, there was a brief, but heavy thunderstorm. Just enough to cool the evening.....

The News As I See It: Obama recently announced that the U.S. will lead a huge multinational coalition to fight the terror groups in Iraq. Of course, most people just turned it off because they thought it was a rerun. In his big speech, he outlined his plan to quote "degrade and ultimately destroy" the terror group ISIS. When asked how, he said, "I’ll build their website."

British Prime Minister David Cameron went to Scotland this week to persuade citizens of the country to vote "no" on leaving the U.K. He said, “It's never worked out for anyone....well, except for America, Canada, Australia, India, and....never mind!

Obama announced in his speech the other night that he's sending 475 military advisers to Iraq. He's also sending 475 military advisers to the NFL. In his speech he also announced that he's counting on the support of an international coalition. Right now, we can't get the support of the International House of Pancakes.

When asked about the more than 1,000 US soldiers in Iraq, he replied, "They are advisers, not 'boots on the ground'. Besides, they don't count, they're wearing hush-puppies."

You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al-Qaida. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than al-Qaida. So now, next Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.

This Date In History: 1789; The U.S. Department of Foreign Affairs changed its name to the Department of State. 1821; Costa Rica, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, and El Salvador gained independence. 1835; Charles Darwin and the HMS Beagle reached the Galapagos Islands.

1917; Alexander Kerensky proclaimed Russia a republic. 1935; The Nuremberg Laws deprived Jews of their citizenship and made the Swastika the official emblem of Nazi Germany. 1963; A church bombing in Birmingham, Alabama, killed four young black girls.

1989; Pulitzer Prize-winning author Robert Penn Warren, the first poet laureate of the United States, died. 2004; The National Hockey League lockout began. The 2004-2005 season would ultimately be canceled.

Picture Of The Day: A great night of fun with good friends and listening to the REGS BAND at Woody's Tavern in Miami Springs.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm far less concerned with who let it out. I'm more curious as to why the damned cat was in the bag in the first place? 2) A murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins.....a herpe of Kardashians. 3) I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences. 4) I'm not saying that her pants were too tight. I'm just saying that they wont fit if she misses a day of shaving her legs. 5) According to my Google history, I spent most of last Saturday night drinking scotch and trying to buy a llama.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 15th: "Pride goeth before the fall." This never happens if you remember the number one rule when socializing: "When in doubt, use the bar stool as a walker." Hit the wine slowly 'cause you know how you get. No chance of rain and a good chance of romance, especially if you finish the wine. Your choice of shoes may affect the evening.

Birthdays: My high school friend Gene and my former secretary and cherished friend Miriam - Happy Birthday 19XX, François de La Rochefoucauld, writer 1613, James Fenimore Cooper, American novelist 1789,  William Howard Taft, 27th president of the United States 1857, Bruno Walter, conductor 1876, Agatha Christie, story writer 1890, Jean Renoir, film director, writer 1894, Oliver Stone, filmmaker 1946, Dan Marino, NFL quarterback 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older professor concluded his lecture on "The Art of Observation" with a note of caution, "You don’t want to try these techniques at home." Somebody from the audience asked, "Why not?"

The old man said, "I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'"

The person in the audience asked, "Did it save time?" The old man said, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his ass.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new face. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" He replied, "My darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Carole for her contribution to today's stories.

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I’m going to take a piss." The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie answers, "I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute." The teacher says, "That’s much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."

Little Johnny says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend who I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One little boy said to the janitor, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure." He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest one said, "Yeah!" The littlest one asked, "What do you think that means?" The oldest boy replied, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."

That's it for today, my little aardvarks. Remember, do not worry about global warming and social security. The real crisis is the day elderly people learn how to text while driving.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Jay Carney Joins CNN - A Perfect Match

Jay Carney, the little weasel who was Obama's press secretary has signed with CNN. Carney spent the last six years becoming very comfortable in front of a small group of 70-80 people, most of whom completely agreed with him, so he's perfect for CNN. That's about same audience he'll have there.

Evidently, the position of White House press secretary is CNN's intern program. Carney is one of many Obama officials to get jobs in the media once they leave the White House. He's also about the zillionth White House press secretary to make that move.

Carney's move into punditry was widely assumed. A New York Times interviewer once asked him, "Now that you’re leaving your job as White House press secretary, do you know which cable news network you’re going to be a pundit for?"

The spin masters embrace.....

The News As I See It: New York Governor Andrew Cuomo won the Democratic primary after a close race against an opponent named Zephyr Teachout. I know what you're thinking: Is Zypher Teachout a man or a woman? The answer is.....probably.

A truck in San Diego overturned and spilled thousands of oranges on a highway. It marked the first time in 20 years people in California were yelling, "Look out! OJ is on the highway."

Obama made a prime-time speech Wednesday night about how we're going to deal with violent extremists and their sickening behavior. Then, he quit talking about the NFL and talked about dealing with ISOL. Obama is getting tough with ISOL. I think he's going to force them to sell their NBA team.

The NFL is coming under a lot of fire. It came out that law enforcement sent a copy of the Ray Rice video to NFL headquarters back in April. The NFL commissioner apologized, saying the video got buried in the stack of other illegal things NFL players are doing.

Two 90-year-old lesbians got married in Iowa. Pictures of the happy lesbian couple haven't been made public, but if you see 90-year-old lesbians in Iowa, odds are it's them.

It’s been discovered that a healthy 24-year-old woman in China has lived her whole life without a major part of her brain. Scientists are calling her "the lost Kardashian."

This Date In History: 1609; Henry Hudson began his exploration of the Hudson River. 1953; Future President John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Bouvier. 1977; South African black civil rights leader Steven Biko died while in police custody.

1992; Dr. Mae Carol Jemison became the first black woman in space aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour. 1999; Indonesia announced it would allow an international peacekeeping force to restore order to East Timor.

Picture Of The Day: Some of the many morons who wore Ray Rice's jersey at last night's Baltimore Ravens game against the Pittsurgh Steelers. This, despite the recent release of the video of Rice knocking out his then-girlfriend in an Atlantic City casino elevator. Pure class.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, vidi, velcro, visa. I came, I saw, I stuck around and did a little shopping. 2) My ex-wife went shopping for feminine protection. She decided on a thirty eight revolver. 3) Monday is "Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." 4) I never knew why my father spent so much time in the garage until I got married. 3) 5) I don't care if you're a master carpenter, you never realize how big nine centimeters really is until you've observed your wife giving birth.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 12th: Fridays are a great day of the week for a party. You can get semi-blitzed tonight at happy hour as you and your co-workers celebrate and still look forward to a rousing weekend bash. A word of caution.....avoid over medicating because you'll need those drugs to go to work Saturday. The possibility of romance is 67 percent. Then again, I said romance not sex, so don't get your hopes up.

Birthdays: My friend Nury - Happy Birthday sweetie! 19XX, Richard Jordan Gatling, inventor of the Gatling gun 1818, Mary Ann Dyer Goodnight, philanthropist 1839, Henry Louis Mencken, editor, author and critic 1880, Maurice Chevalier, singer and film actor 1888, Ben Shahn, painter 1898, Jesse Owens, track star 1913.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Diane and Mike were going through a messy divorce when Mike died suddenly one day. Dianne was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read.

Dianne asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Dianne then said, "I want the obituary to read, "Mike Is Dead".

The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket." Diane's face lit up and she replied, "Great! I want it to read, "Mike Is Dead - Boat For Sale."

An older woman was shopping at the local supermarket. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."



Royal Castle - Hialeah, Florida - Early '60s. A big part of my life - Three hamburgers and a birch beer - 50 cents. More on this in a future post.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Billy said, "My Father is better than your Father!" Johnny declared, "No, he's not!"

Johnny then responded. "My brother is better than your brother!" Billy said, "He is not! He is not!" Billy said, "My Mother is better than your Mother!"

A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess 'ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once."

 A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.

The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.

The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.

Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will make them go blind."

An old man in the front pew of the church stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"

That's it for today, my little sugar beets. Remember, in an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !