Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Odds And Ends - Mostly Odd

Credit card interest rates average 15.06 percent. The amount banks pay to customers range from .01 percent on savings accounts to .08 percent for a CD. Uh, what's wrong with this picture?

There are over 1,000 troops in Iraq. Obama says there are not now and will not be any (trite cliche) "boots on the ground". Obie says that confidently about the troops because he sent them there wearing golf shoes.

3,000 troops to Africa to stop Ebola? Yeah, that's a good idea. When Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi heard this, they looked it up on Google maps. How about sending those 3,000 troops to the southern border. Charity begins in the home.

I'm beginning to see more and more political ads as we near the mid-term November elections. It's the same old rhetoric. In Florida, the gubernatorial race has incumbent Rick Scott (R) and challenger Charlie Christ (D) exchanging charges of misconduct, theft, malfeasance and bribery. They're both correct.

The News As I See It: Bill Clinton criticized Republicans for spending all their time dissing Obama. The Iowans missed the rest of the speech because they were busy looking up the word "dissing."

Hillary Clinton also gave a speech in Iowa. She fueled speculation that she’ll run for president when she admitted that she's "thinking about it." Next week, she'll be "thinking about it" when she's in New Hampshire before she spends a few days "thinking about it" in Florida.

Vice President Joe Biden traveled to Iowa this week, as well, three days after Hillary Clinton’s high-profile return to the state. He’ll spend two days there - one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze.

Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called "Nuns on the Bus" kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it's his way of giving back, while the nuns say it's God's way of testing their faith.

The FBI debuted its new facial recognition software which will archive the faces of tens of millions of Americans every day. This groundbreaking, amazing new software is called Facebook.

The iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus received 4 million pre-orders in the first 24 hours. Meanwhile, the new Blackberry keeps driving by your house to see if you’re home.

Apple gave the new U2 album to all of their customers for free. It just showed up in their iTunes. People were upset about it. There was so much backlash that Apple built a web page specifically for users to delete the album from their accounts. You just enter your birthday and if you’re under 40 years old, it deletes the album.

Al-Qaida has issued an online message denying allegations that their organization is in decline, although I don’t think it helped that they posted it on LinkedIn.

ABC broadcasted the Miss America Pageant. It's the annual competition in which women parade their almost naked bodies in front of a panel of judges. Whomever is deemed to have the best one gets a scholarship so she can never have to parade her almost naked body around for money again.

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitution was completed and signed by a majority of the delegates attending the constitutional convention in Philadelphia. 1862; The bloodiest day in U.S. military history occurred at the Battle of Antietam when more than 23,000 were killed or wounded.

1908; Lt. Thomas Selfridge, a passenger in a plane piloted by Orville Wright, became the first airplane fatality when the craft crashed. 1920; The American Professional Football Association, a precursor of the NFL, was formed in Canton, Ohio.

1980; Anastasio Somoza Debayle, former president of Nicaragua, was assassinated in Paraguay. 1994; Heather Whitestone of Alabama became the first deaf Miss America. 2004; Barry Bonds became the third baseball player to hit 700 career home runs, joining Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth.

Picture Of The Day: A floating houseboat in the remote waters of British Columbia, Canada. I could spend a month there.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cleaning the house while kids are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos. 2) Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 1,582 times, you're a weatherman. 3) I got chased by a thief trying to steal my wallet. I got away, but he gave me a good run for my money!

4) Chuck E. Cheese will make you never want to have children. Unfortunately, when you finally go there, it's too late. 5) I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering a pizza to be delivered to the bar and another one to my house.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeVirgo - September 17th: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver. Of course, you're not, but it's the thought that counts. Today should be good for you but I wouldn't eat any seafood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't go near any body of water in your condition.

Birthdays: Christian Louis Lange, pacifist 1869, William Carlos Williams, poet and physician 1883, Warren Earl Burger, fifteenth Chief Justice of the United States 1907, Hank Williams, country singer 1923, Anne Bancroft, actress 1931, David H. Souter, Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."

He continued, "From now on when I say 'Bell 1', I want you to strip naked. When say 'Bell 2', I want you to jump in bed. And when I say 'Bell 3', we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is Bell 4?" His wife replied, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

They went on and on, then the Greek says, "We invented sex." The Italian says, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

The service station attendant asked, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" The woman said, "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." The attendant said, "Ah, that explains it, ma'am........Indians ride bareback."

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

The priest takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "That my bike."

That's it for today, my little goobers. Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. It's time for an AREA 51 adventure at happy hour. See you there.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

I like the odds and ends.
Betcha Bill ain't getting as much as the Bull anymore.

You are right about Chuck e Cheese. I met him last night for 2 hours.

That ain't funny about the 'You ain't close to the fire'. Liked the bufflo chips stmt/