Monday, December 29, 2008

You Only Live Twice or "You Bought Her What?"

I know, I know, I said I probably wouldn't go out to AREA 51 Friday night, but I did. I really wasn't going anywhere when, lo and behold, my partner in crime, Emilio called me and, using undue influence and peer pressure, invited me for a drink. It started out innocently enough and we stopped by the local Winn Dixie to purchase some items. It just so happened that the Cigar club is in the same shopping center, so.......

After making some quick donations in a poker game, we headed over to Lakes Cafe and Sports Bar for some drinks. It was unusually slow for a Friday night and after one drink we decided to check out one more place, which was actually closed at 11:30 p.m. The handwriting was on the wall and we realized it would be a good idea to call it an evening. Emilio's actual words were, "I can't take another 8:00 in the morning deal," a thought which I readily agreed with. Discretion being the better part of valor, I arrived home about 12:30 a.m., which I thought was pretty good.

So what did Santa bring you? It seems that Christmas and the holidays bring out the little boy or girl in all of us. I don't care what people say, that little boy or girl in all of us thinks it's better to receive than give. Unfortunately, sometimes the giver has not thought the process of giving out thoroughly (or did not get the obvious hints one usually emits when nearing the holidays).

Witness the poor soul whose Aunt Matilda sends him a fruitcake. Anyone in their right mind knows that the only real use for a fruitcake is a doorstop. I always feel sorry for the men that receive ties for Christmas. As a business man, I always enjoyed receiving ties and even if they weren't very chic, I could always exchange them for a more suitable one. Other men, however, have very little use for ties since they work as auto mechanics or other trades.

Fortunately for men, their better half, sister or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and sox. Although these things are not very flashy, it always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves.

Women don't fare much better as most men have no idea what to buy for a woman. The usual resource for those who do not read the obvious and sometimes blatant hints, is wandering to the jewelry department and purchasing something there. Others attempt to purchase perfume, but that's a tricky and dangerous idea. If it smells delicious and she doesn't already have the same perfume in her inventory, she'll wonder how you know about this particular perfume. In any case, no matter what a man purchases for the special women in their life, it is usually and discretely exchanged.

My tip for men would be not to give cash and try to eliminate the middle man. Women need to go through the ceremonial gift opening ritual and then they exchange whatever you purchased. Fortunately, women have that sixth sense and they know in advance that men will purchase the wrong present. The day after Christmas sale was designed specifically for that purpose and in case you didn't notice, women shoppers outnumber male shoppers by an incredible amount.

This Date In History: 1170; Thomas à Becket is murdered in Canterbury Cathedral by four knights loyal to Henry I. 1845; Texas is admitted into the United States of America as the 28th state of the union.

1890; Hundreds of unarmed Sioux men, women, and children are massacred by the 7th Cavalry at Wounded Knee, in South Dakota, in the last major clash between Native Americans and American soldiers. 1937; The Irish Free State, the Irish dominion of the Commonwealth of Nations established by the Anglo-Irish Treaty of 1921, passes into history and becomes the new independent state of √Čire.

Picture Of The Day: The holiday gifts that people sometimes receive do not always meet their expectations. The current economy have effected the value of some of these gifts as well and politics always seem to always have a residual effect. Be that as it may, I found a few holiday gifts that I hope will amuse you.

Birthdays: Marquise de Pompadour, mistress of Louis XV 1721, Charles Macintosh, inventor and chemist 1766, Charles Goodyear, American inventor 1800, Andrew Johnson, 17th president of the United States 1808, William Gladstone, British statesman, four times Prime Minister of Great Britain 1809, Pablo Casals, Spanish cellist 1876, Vera Brittain, novelist and autobiographer 1893.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett, my pal Jerry and brother Kirt for some of today's stories.

The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No!", and the man drank beer and caroused with women and stayed out late and used the guest towels and farted at will and didn't put the toilet seat down and lived happily ever after.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

A man took his wife to see a doctor because she wasn't feeling well. After testing her, the doctor went to the waiting room to speak with the husband. "Well sir, she has either two things. Alzheimer's or HIV." Very confused the man replied "How did you get that conclusion? They are totally different." The doctor replied, "Although they're very different, they look identical in the early stages."

After a short pause the man asked, "So, what do you suggest I do doctor?" The doctor answered, "Take her for a ride deep into the valley then drop her off." Even more confused the man asked, "Then what?" The doctor replied, "If she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. She asked, "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd looked puzzled but agreed. Out of the blue, she blurts out “57!” He was stunned but kept his word and allowed her to pick out a sheep. She picked out the cutest one. He looked at her and said “If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

That's it for today my little party planners. More on New Year's Eve.

Stay Tuned !


Missy said...

I like the way you said you "donated" money in the poker game lol!

My boyfriend does a pretty good job shopping for me. I've trained him well. Teehee.


garnett109 said...

I bought Debbie big thick pillows she wanted, tonight we will see if it muffles her screams!

Rose said...

You made donations and your pal, Garnett may have bought the perfect gift! LOL

Hugs, Rose

Adirondackcountrygal said...

Funny jokes tonight! Have a fun New Year's Eve! Linda

Coelha :B said...

That picture of the coffin is terrible!! lol Now I'm wondering why my husband bought that perfume he got me. I don't own that perfume...did his ex-wife like it, or an ex-girlfriend??? THanks a lot Jimmy! LOL Julie

Jude said...

Merry Christmas and a very happy New Year. You haven't changed in the two or so months I haven't been reading. Love the jokes, as usual.

Paula said...

Hey where can I buy one of those magic stock picking darts?

Myra said...

..and that is why Glen and I don't exchange gifts! He couldn't possibly get me what I want, and vis-a-vis! Oy vey...

Julie said...

Rick was right on the money this year for my gift. Of course I hinted enough that if I got anything else I would have been shocked. Loved the entry.

Anne said...

I love stopping by, the music is always good, the jokes are the best and your stories are entertaining. It's a perfect AREA 51 spot. Love ya Jim. Anne

Missie said...

I have a family member who likes to purchase the worst gifts for people! It's always fun seeing who got the most ridiculous gift! LOL

Happy New Year my friend!

Claudia's thoughts said...

About gifts for women, 99% of woman would not want anything with an electric cord. Do not buy it unless the specifically ask for one. Men, however are happy with things with electric cords.