Friday, July 17, 2009

Billy Mays Here ! --- Again?

As I was preparing breakfast this morning, I heard a shrieking, ear-piercing, noise coming from the living room. I went to the living room to see if my cat, Shithead (Possum S. Hemmingway) had stuck his tail into an electrical outlet, but he was lying peacefully on the sofa.

The noise was coming from the television set. Lo and behold, it was Billy Mays, driving a car and screaming about his newest product, the Jupiter Jack. Ostensibly, it's a blue tooth type of gadget that you can supposedly plug into your cell phone while driving and the conversation is broadcast on your car speakers. In Billy Mays' case, it wasn't necessary to actually use the product as his voice level intensity was comparable to a screaming baby sitting next to you on a non-stop flight to Australia.

I seriously considered sticking a sharp pencil in my ears as I frantically searched for the remote control to stop the shrieking noise. Fortunately I found the remote and quickly silenced the deafening noise.

Since there have only been two resurrections (Jesus and Elvis), I figured that this commercial was produced prior to Mays' untimely death. Upon going to the Internet, I learned that there are at least two unreleased commercials are scheduled to be aired later this year.

The new commercials are about some new form of duct tape and will be aired in August. The reason that the commercials have not been aired to date is the U.S. military is using them to torture the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Nancy Pelosi has yet to investigate the news of the Mays torture commercials. At present, she is still preparing her defense and apology letter to the military and the CIA for her lies about her supposed lack of knowledge of water boarding at Guantanamo.

Wednesday's jaunt to AREA 51 was excellent as my sweet Nicole joined me for the evening. We started out at Lakes Cafe and Sports bar where we had a few drinks and listened to the karaoke show.

From Lakes Cafe, we headed over to The Billiards Club. My friend, James the bartender, wasn't there and then I remembered he told me he was going to retire. We were joined later by a few friends and Nicole's friend, Michele. It was a great evening and we got home somewhere between 1 and 2 am (depending on whose version you believe).

Paul McCartney was on the David Letterman show the other evening and performed several songs live outside the Ed Sullivan Theater. It brought back pleasant memories for me of the so called "British Invasion" in the early '60s and especially the Beatles performances on the Ed Sullivan Show. This in turn prompted me to dig up the Beatles live performances on the Ed Sullivan Show.

In a day and age that many musicians lip-synch their live performances and rarely do anything without the aid of electronics, it was nice to see the Beatles with live microphones and playing their instruments. You can see the Beatles performances on my other blog site,
Jimmy's Journal - The Original by clicking the link below.

Authors Note: For AOL users who are getting pop-ups that Internet Explorer can't open this journal, close out AOL and access Jimmy's Journal using Internet Explorer. The problem isn't Internet Explorer, it's AOL. So, what's new?

You can also go to settings/control panel/Internet options/browsing history/delete/delete all except for passwords and InPrivate Filtering data.

This Date In History: 1453; The Hundred Years' War between England and France ends with the English defeat at the Battle of Castillon in France. 1793 French patriot Charlotte Corday is executed by guillotine for the assassination of politician Jean Paul Marat.

1945; Harry Truman, Winston Churchill, and Joseph Stalin meet at the beginning of the Potsdam Conference, which will determine the details of the Allied occupation of Germany. 1955; Disneyland, created by Walt Disney, opens in Anaheim, California. 1974; A bomb exploding in the Tower of London kills 1 person and injures 41.

1975; American and Soviet spacecraft link in space for the first time when the American Apollo spacecraft docks onto the Soviet Soyuz 19. 1979; As Sandinista rebels prepare to take over Nicaragua, dictator Anastasio Somoza flees the country, ending his family's 43-year reign in the country.

Picture Of The Day: Although the premature death of pitchman Billy Mays was unfortunate, it seems to me there are some things that should be taken to the grave. In Billy Mays' case, it was all of those unbearable commercials that he made.

Besides the fact that the majority of the merchandise he was schlepping was unadulterated garbage, the screaming intensity of the commercials would drive a saint crazy. I have this deep inner feeling that if he went to heaven, he would be muted or toned down by the powers that be. On the other hand, if he shipped down south, I'm not sure of who would be in hell......him or the devil.

Birthdays: My father, James Sr.'s birthday is tomorrow. I miss him! 1911, My pal, Jude - Happy B-Day Jude! 19XX, John Jacob Astor, merchant 1763; Ephraim Shay, American inventor 1839; Lyonel Feininger, painter 1871; Berenice Abbott, photographer 1898; James Cagney, American actor and Academy Award winner 1899; Juan Antonio Samaranch, President of the International Olympic Committee 1920.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I really want to go to the Seminole Hard Rock Casino, but it usually costs me money when I go. I feel lucky! 2) Is it me or is it that just about everybody at the grocery store are yacking on their cell phones? 3) I can't wait until school begins again. It's opening will surely prevent a homicide in my neighborhood. 4) My friend told his wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked him in the cellar. 5) My greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say I cannot do.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Thanks to my pals, Garnett and Tabitha for their contributions to today's stories.

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home,he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, the minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather .... and unto the Sonnn ........ and into the hole he gooooes."

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, I would like a Martuni." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. Shortly thereafter, she said "Barbender, I would like another Martuni." Again the bartender brought her a Martini.

By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martunis are giving me heartburn." Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martuni, but a Martini, and by the way, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."

That's it for today my little gummy bears. Remember that the man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

It's Friday and I'm heading to AREA 51 for some Happy Hour therapy. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

Jim I hate to tell you this my friend it does it on internet explorer also

Linda's World said...

"1955; Disneyland, created by Walt Disney, opens in Anaheim, California." Rarely taking a vacation because of having animals to care for, my folks took a 2 week vacation to southern California in MARCH of 1955. I can't begin to explain the agony of a then 13 year old girl passing by the 'soon to be open' Disneyland and knowing she couldn't go in. They did take me to Knott's Berry Farm (just down the road) however & also on that trip I went to work at a movie studio and met John Wayne. I actually didn't get to Disneyland until 1976 when I was a happily married woman with 2 kids, 2 cats & a dog. Linda in sunny and very warm Washington state

Linda's World said...

Oh & by the way, I think it's tacky for them to run those Billy Mays commercials. If I were related to him, I wouldn't want to see them on the tube day after day. I wonder if the powers that be, cleared that with his family?

Heli gunner Tom said...

The 'Hunter Orange' color famous birth dates seem to appear 3-D to me.


Paula said...

I always come here at night to get my joke "fix" but I miss Possum too.

Dave said...

Hiya Jimmy,

I actually watched a marathon of Billy Mays shows about 2 weeks ago where they chose which inventors device they where going to choose to make a commercial of. It was that one your where talking about or a shark repellent and that one won. They showed the filming of the commercial. He had some show I never watched before with some other guy who picked cool inventions.

Are you talking about the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, FL? I was there before the same day as Anna Nicole (not the same day she passed) but a few weeks before I guess she liked it there. We did not gamble but went into the indian animal exhibit and shops. Have a good one, sorry for rambling.

Julie said...

I missed out on a legend I guess not having TV and not listening to Billy Mays. I heard him once or twice but not enough to be totally sick of him, its a good thing it sounds like.

Monae said...

Hello Jimmy,

Its always nice coming to visit your journal. I find something new when I visit here. You always make me smile when I come. I also found a new friend Linda who visited my blog recently. She is a very sweet lady and I want to thank you for being here. Do have a wonderful Sunday.


Joann said...

Loved the jokes!! I think the Billy Mays commercials are still running to give his family more $$$, right?!?! They don't bother me, but I don't sit there and watch them all the way through either... LOL!!

Missie said...

I can always count of your blog to make me giggle!

Have a good week!