Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Men Are From Mars?

There's a book (and a concept) called "Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus." I did not read the book, nor did I find it necessary to do so. The concept, however, has generally seemed to be to be amusingly accurate. With that in mind, I give you the following thoughts.

Nicknames: If Linda, Julie, Paula, Joann and Martha go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Julie, Paula, Joann and Martha. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Eating Out: and when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in a $20 bill, even though the total bill is only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Bathrooms: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about twenty years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Stupidly (adjective): Slow of mind : obtuse b) Given to unintelligent decisions or acts : acting in an unintelligent or careless manner c) Lacking intelligence or reason : brutish. d) An adjective made more popular after its use by an American president. Example: Barack Obama stupidly made remarks about a local arrest involving Harvard Professor Louis Gates and Sgt. James Crowley of the Cambridge Police Department without having all the facts.

President Obama has scheduled a "meeting" of the three for Thursday evening at a picnic table on the white House lawn. Obama phoned Crowley, who suggested the three men sit down for a beer at the White House. The president said he liked the idea, and Gates reportedly concurred when Mr. Obama phoned him next.

Personally I think it's a good idea and no matter what the outcome, it will make great fodder for future posts. As to the choice of beers, my guess that Professor Gates would be a Stella Artois man and Sgt. Crowley might like a Budweiser. As for the prez, Red Stripe, a Jamaican beer would fit his personality well. "Podium Al" Sharpton wasn't invited, but they'll have a case of Schlitz Malt Liquor just in case he jumps the fence. We'll see....Does anyone have any beer suggestions?

This Date In History: 1848; During the Potato Famine in Ireland, a nationalist rebellion led by William Smith O'Brien is crushed, and O'Brien arrested. 1890; Dutch painter Vincent Van Gogh dies at the age of 47, two days after shooting himself. 1958; US President Dwight Eisenhower signs legislation creating the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA). 1968; In his encyclical Humanae Vitae, Pope Paul VI reaffirms the traditional Roman Catholic ban on artificial contraception.

1981; Britain's Prince Charles marries Lady Diana Spencer in an internationally televised ceremony in Saint Paul's Cathedral in London. 1992; Former East German leader Erich Honecker returns to Berlin to face charges in the deaths of people attempting to cross the Berlin Wall during his time in office. The charges are later dropped.

Picture Of The Day: I couldn't decide between the procrastination pictures and the Obamagate picnic, so I put both them both. My pal, Nancy always says I'm eclectic so I figured so, what the hell...

My prize find on my Internet picture search is this picture of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton at a picnic table. I assume that the upcoming "beer party" will be a piece of cake for the prez. I wonder where he's going to put his teleprompters?

Birthdays: Benito Mussolini, founder of Fascism and Prime Minister and dictator of Italy (1922-1943) 1883, Dag Hammarskjöld, UN secretary general 1905, Paul Taylor, choreographer and dancer 1930, Ryutaro Hashimoto, former Prime Minister of Japan 1937, Ken Burns, filmmaker 1953.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In today's day and age of the two car family with a great number of kids borrowing the car and with a cell phones in every pocket, I guess the phrase of my day, "You don't have wheels?" will never be understood. 2) My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. 3) A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. 4) I've noticed since everyone seems to have a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to 5) If you want your lady to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A Cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." The young man asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The old-timer replied, "Yep!" The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

The young cowboy said, "That’s great! Got any more tips for me?" The old man said, "Yep, cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw" The young cowboy asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The old-timer said, "You bet!". The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

The cowboy said, "I’m learninsomethin’ here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner and said, "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

The old-timer said, "No, I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." The young cowboy asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The old-timer said, "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt near as much!"

A tour bus in Egypt stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists were shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel and says, "What time is it, sir?" The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's balls in his hand, and raises them up and down. and says, "It's about 2:00."

The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's balls!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens. It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story.

Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's balls. Now, lift them up in the air and look underneath at the other side of the courtyard and check the big clock on the wall."

That's it for today my little cowpokes. It is Hump Day and there's a good chance I'll be heading to AREA 51 for happy hour. Remember that he who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. More On Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

You nailed it correctly about the SHOES! LOL

I wouldn't know one beer from is only Scotch or Wine for me!

Happy Hump Day! It is thundering out in my neck of the woods.

Hugs, Rose

garnett109 said...

I think podium al would love shlitz malt liquor bull red and blue or maybe colt 45

garnett109 said...

I wonder if ted kennedy i going to bring a case of harp beer to the picnic?

Anonymous said...

Has anyone ever used the word stupidly in a way that wasn't utterly lacking? What a terribly poor choice, and how in the hell did he allow himself to be drawn into that? Very wrong. I'm with Colin Powell on this one. ~Mary

Dawn said...

I LOVE that picutor of Hil and Obama at the picnic table! Hilarious!

be well...

Senorita said...

Happy Hump Day to You !

I laughed when I read about the Mondi suit, as I owned one, up until a year or two ago. A nice plaid mini skirt with a long form fitting jacket.

Paula said...

I read that book several years ago and I did feel I needed to at the time. lol Good cowboy joke.

Heli gunner Tom said...

Podium would more likely bring a brown paper wrapped bottle of Thunderbird wine or MD 20/20... lol.


Julie said...

Obama is having a bud lite, oh my god. That says a mountain to a beer snob like me. My mother always got dressed in makeup and earrings to go across the street to the store. Actually I won't leave the house until I have gotten decently dressed. My son wears clothes that look like they have never ever ever been folded.

Dutch said...

Hi Jimmy,
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I am sorry I haven't been by lately, I am just going through some things.
I am happy I stopped by because you put a big smile on my face with this entry. I started reading Men Are From Mars book but stopped because I already knew we are way, way different species.
Have a great day and again thanks for the laughs.

Linda's World said...

Darn! The legs of that picnic table block the view of Hillary's 'cankles.' I wanted to see them. No, actually the man should have the last words in all arguments/discussions. And that should be "Yes, dear!" Linda, sitting here before 8am on Friday expecting another hot day in western Washington

Martha said...

Oh shit Jimmy, I think I'm a man! ROFL! ;-)

Did I actually see a comment where someone mentioned MD 20/20? I'm going to visit that blog right now! I haven't heard those words since the 70's!

Tabby said...

Hi Jimmy!

We need everyone one of those 337 items in the bathroom! I love the cowboy joke too. I hope you have a great weekend in area 51 (I know I am late commenting, sorry).
Happy Friday!

Joann said...

Thought I'd look back on your blog to see what I've missed... this was a good entry to come back to.... I'm having lunch with Linda, Julie, Paula, and Martha... LOL!!!

Loved that cowboy joke!! LOL!!!