Friday, March 9, 2012

Breaking Braking News - I Brake For Women, Especially Redheads !

We interrupt this journal to bring you Breaking News!..... I follow the news virtually all day long, mostly following FOX News for the conservative views and CNN for liberal views. That allows me to somehow find the middle. For the most part, they do a good job.

I realize and understand that there's only so much news to report. Since their news programs runs in increments of 30 minutes, there's bound to be repetition. Thus, "Breaking News" only breaks once for me and then it's "Repeated Breaking News".

Some stories, however, continue to break for two and three days in a row and at some point in time it should be reported as "Breaking News For The Hard Of Understanding" or "We've Got Nothing Else So We're Just Gonna Beat This Story To Death".

Then, in almost every city, we have the hometown sensationalist channel, whose motto seems to be "Everything We Report Whether Shitty Or Not Is 'Breaking News'". There's always a reporter on the scene, usually standing in knee deep water when if he were to walk a mere 15 feet to his left or right, he'd be on dry ground.

Of course, there's always the low ranking reporter who's sent to the scene of an accident or crime seven hours after the fact, so that he can report from the scene at 5:00 in the morning with nothing but darkness as his backdrop.

One of the most frustrating "Breaking News" routines comes with the dreaded words, "We interrupt your regular programing........." This usually occurs right in the middle of a football game or a movie you're watching and by the time the "Breaking News" report is over, you've missed the integral part of the movie and from that point on, you have no idea as to what's going on.

Hopefully, this evening will have no breaking news and if they do, let them break the story in the middle of a commercial.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled journal.

The News As I See It: It was reported that in the weeks leading up to his death, Osama bin Laden had trouble controlling the squabbling among his three wives. In fact, when the team knocked down the door, bin Laden said, "Thank God you're here. Two in the chest. One in the head. Let's do this."

Obama has broadened his "Tell Them What They Want To Hear" campaign, or as I like to refer to it, the "Free Ice Cream Campaign", to include women. The latest polls show President Obama's approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama's new campaign slogan: "Tell me about your day." In a few months Obama's going to unveil this one: "Would you like white wine and a foot massage?"

According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being totally freaked out by Rick Santorum.

Apple unveiled the new iPad. The new iPad apparently has only modest improvements over previous models which means I will trample over my own mother to get one. My lady friend was so excited about the new iPad, she iPeed her iPants.

Gas prices are $6 a gallon in L.A. and the people are furious. You can't tell though because of the Botox.

It's being reported that Dunkin' Doughnuts in China is adding pork doughnuts to the menu. For God's sake, do the Chinese have to beat us at everything?

This Date In History: 1796; Napoleon Bonaparte married Josephine de Beauharnais, widow of a former French officer executed during the revolution. 1841; The Supreme Court ruled that the Amistad slaves were free.

1862; The first battle between two ironclad ships, the Monitor (Union) and Merrimack (Confederate) occurred, revolutionizing naval warfare. 1933; The special session of Congress known as the "100 days" opened, launching FDR's New Deal.

1964; U.S. Supreme Court issued N.Y. Times v. Sullivan ruling. 1990; Dr. Antonia Novello was sworn in as both the first Hispanic and woman to be U.S. surgeon general.

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. He asked, "Mom, are these my brains?" His mother replied, "Not yet."

Picture Of The Day: That about says it!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them. 2) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of measles. 3) Sometimes, when I am reading a good book, I stop to call and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. 4) If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. 5) They want to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Is that a good idea? Do you really want to hear, "My dreams for the future include world peace and that my ex-husband gets run over by a bus.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 9th: Your ability to perform open heart surgery may be brought into question today as you attempt to help an asthmatic in the local park who's having breathing difficulties. Personal warranties don't mean that you're ever going get your money back on that piece of crap you bought from the "man in the funny hat". The odds are always on your side today, so don't be afraid to experiment. Chance of romance today ia 51 percent, so I guess that on attempt 50, you'll score.

Birthdays: My pals Diane and Ginny - Happy Birthday ladies 19XX, Leland Stanford, American Railroad Builder 1824, Victoria Mary Sackville-West, writer 1892, Yuri Gagarin, cosmonaut 1934, Raul Julia, actor 1940, Bobby Fischer, chess player 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Five old men were playing poker when Shapiro loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other four continue playing standing up. Lipschitz looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. Goldburg says, "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Shapiro apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg says, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home. Mrs Shapiro says, "Tell him to drop dead!" Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him."

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second guy says, "Well, she is young, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?" The first guy says, "Never mind, let's just look for yours."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Ginny and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off, climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy, if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"? The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

A little boy, in church for the first time, watched as the ushers passed around the offering plate. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed to the egg and asked the children, What's in here?" A little boy exclaimed, " I know! It's pantyhose."

That's it for today, my little rodebuds. Remember, people who claim they don't have the time to do things right somehow find the time to do them over. I'm going to AREA51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

This redhead stopped by for my fix of chuckles!

Have a great weekend!

Hugs, Rose

jack69 said...

I don't know about the breaking news stuff, but I'm keeping my blue Cross!!!

Thanks for a good read and the laughs!!
Sherry will be along shortly.

Paula said...

Laughing @ the reporter standing in water.