Friday, March 30, 2012

The Mega Millions Lottery? Go Ahead, Make My Day !

The Mega Millions lottery prize is now over a half billion dollars. Reporters are asking ticket buyers what they would do with the money. Some say they won't quit their job. I hope Obama wins it because if I know Barry, he'll either quit his job or loan his winnings to a solar company to further his beloved green energy.

You know what? Maybe the Mega Millions lottery amount is only 50 million dollars and it's the biggest April Fool's prank in the history of the lottery commission.

Did you ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Nevertheless, sales are going briskly and sooner or later, some one's going to win it. I know one thing, whoever wins the half billion dollars will become my long lost relative. I can see myself now...."Uncle Chow Ling, we so rucky....!"

I think Obama realizes the Obamacare thing is not looking good in front of the Supreme Court. He's starting to downplay it. Yesterday, he referred it as O'Bidencare. Speaking of Joe O'Biden, yesterday he thanked Dr. Pepper instead of a woman named Dr. Paper. O'Biden apologized and said he meant no disre-Sprite.

The News As I See It: Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer and both Obama and the oil companies say it's because of high demand due to warmer summer weather - as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, as long as there is weather, gas prices will continue to go up.

The International Olympic Committee decided that at the Summer Games in London this year, female beach volleyball players will no longer be required to wear bikinis. This is the saddest day in volleyball since Tom Hanks let Wilson float away. What do they think we watch beach volleyball for? The volleying?

The movie "Titanic" is being re-released in 3-D and they tried to update it a little bit to play to the younger crowd. In the new version, the captain hits the iceberg because he's texting.

A group headed by Magic Johnson bought the Dodgers for $2 billion. How much are beer and hot dogs going to cost at Dodger Stadium now?

This Date In History: 1842; Anesthesia was used for the first time in an operation. 1856; The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Crimean War. 1867; A treaty for the purchase of Alaska from Russia for the sum of $7.2 million, approximately two cents an acre, was submitted to the U.S. Senate.

1870; The 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race. 1964; The game show Jeopardy debuted on television. 1981; President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest by John Hinckley as he left a Washington hotel. 2002; The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died at the age of 101.

Picture Of The Day: The truth of the matter is.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 2) The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. 3) The local candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday. 4) I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table but they couldn't help me. 5) Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 30th: Save the money you were going to waste on lottery tickets and buy yourself a pair of new shoes. You'll thank me tomorrow unless my lottery numbers come in, in which case you won't know where to find me. Chance of romance is 57.71 percent and higher if you get those new shoes.

Birthdays: Maimonides, Jewish scholar 1135, Francisco Goya, artist 1746, Anna Sewell, author of Black Beauty 1820, Paul Verlaine, poet 1844, Vincent Van Gogh, Dutch postimpressionist painter 1853, Sean O'Casey, dramatist 1884, Warren Beatty, director, actor, producer 1937, Celine Dion, singer 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old lawyer, laying on his deathbed, called to his wife and asked her to bring the Bible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea and brought the Bible to her husband.

The lawyer took the Bible from her and began scanning the pages. Curious, knowing her husband wasn't a religious person, she asked, "What are you searching for, dear?" The lawyer replied, "Loopholes."

Two elderly women are sitting at a restaurant, eating breakfast. Mabel turns to Ethel and says, "Do you know you have a suppository in your left ear?" Ethel reaches into her ear, pulls out the suppository and looks at it. She says, "Thanks, Mabel, I'm glad you told me. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.

The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me." The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."

Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."

A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement. The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."

Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."

A rich Texas oilman and his wife were having dinner when a stunning woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "She's my mistress." His wife says, "That's the last straw. I want a divorce and I'm going to hire the meanest, most aggressive lawyer I know and make your life miserable.

The husband says, "I understand, but remember, if we get a divorce, we'll have to divide everything. I'll have to sell our estate, so that we can buy two two smaller homes. I'll have to sell the Rolls-Royce, so that we can buy economical cars. It will mean no more vacations in the Caribbean, no more country club privileges and you'll have to give up all your charge accounts.

Just then, a mutual friend came in with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The wife asks, "Who's that with Jim?" The husband says, "That's his mistress." His wife says, "Ours is prettier!"

That's it for today, my little turtle doves. A tip for the girls: When you're climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress! A top for the boys: Walking under a ladder is not always bad luck. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

I was just Blog hopping and found this interesting Blog, Jimmy is it? I don't know why but I feel obligated to give you these numbers:
34 22 36 1 6 9
One never knows, does one?

Thanks for the evenings entertainment!O'biden care, eh?