Monday, September 16, 2013

Tragic Massacre In Washington D.C.

If there is one positive thing about today's massacre in Washington, D.C., it's that the perpetrator is dead! No time consuming and costly trial, no drawn out investigation, no waiting for a way for the prosecution or the government to screw up the deal. Just thin the damn herd !

If there is a question as to who truly committed the crime, then, without a doubt, an investigation and trial is the proper way to determine the fate of the suspect. In a case of no question or doubt about the suspect's role in the murder, then shoot the son-of-a-bitch and let's move on!

The News As I See It: The new Obama diet is out and it works! I've already lost five pounds. The way it works is every day you let Vladimir Putin eat your lunch.

Obama has said he didn't know about the IRS scandal. He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS.

Mercedes has unveiled a new self-driving car that drives itself. I’m hoping that Justin Bieber and Lindsay Lohan get one.

A Canadian man was attacked by a polar bear and he scared it off with his cellphone. Apparently the bear got frightened when he saw the two-year contract.

Dr. Phil is a pretty smart guy. He turned a phony medical degree into a media empire.

The Oneida Indian Nation wants the Washington Redskins to change the name "Redskins" because they consider it a racial slur. In a related story, the city of Jacksonville wants the NFL team, the Jaguars, to drop the name "Jacksonville" because they stink.

This Date In History: 1630; The Massachusetts village of Shawmut changed its name to Boston. 1810; Mexico began its revolt against Spanish rule. 1908; General Motors was founded by William C. Durant.

1919; The American Legion was incorporated by an act of Congress. 1940; The United States first adopted peacetime conscription when President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Selective Training and Service Act into law.

1974; President Ford announced conditional amnesty for Vietnam War deserters and draft evaders. 1975; Papua New Guinea became independent. 1982; Lebanese Christians massacred hundreds of Palestinian refugees in Beirut.

1987; The Montreal Protocol was signed by 25 nations, limiting production on substances that harm the ozone layer. To date, 168 nations have joined the protocol.

Picture Of The Day: Ducklings.....because they're cute !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Did you know that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?" 2) I accidentally had three energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Thanksgiving. 3) In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer-dryer and two come out. 4) I had a few beers this weekend before going grocery shopping and the bag boy asked if I wanted help to my car, so I said yes and climbed in the cart. 5) McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeVirgo - September 16th: Knowing your hand span may become useful over the coming days, although the mystics will not give me any information as to how or why. If you mis-use the word literally once more today ("I *literally* laughed my ass off"), you're going to feel what it's like to be hit "upside the head".

Birthdays: James Jerome Hill, railroad builder 1838, Albrecht Kossel, physiologist 1853, Jean Arp, sculptor, painter 1887, Allen Funt, radio and television producer 1914, Lauren Bacall, actress 1924, B. B. King, guitarist 1925, Charlie Byrd, jazz guitarist 1925.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a "Vote for Obama" hat and a "Save the Trees" shirt.

The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot-tall grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Sarah" shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then, using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the hell was that guy?" His friend replied, "Dude, that was the Pope. He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

The logger said, "Well, he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know shit about bear hunting! By the way, go check ans see if our bait still alive or if we need to go back to California and get another one."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

The trooper says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" The priest replies, "Just water, officer." The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. She went on and on and on about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, feeling unloved, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Do you feel you can you do this?" The husband replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

A fly was buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since his last meal and he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away.

He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.

He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.

Moral of the story: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

That's it for today, my little cotton tails. Remember, due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second grace drop rule has now been increased to 10.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

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