Friday, May 9, 2014
Here's The Deep Thought For Today
Men are deep thinkers. I mowed the lawn today and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My girlfriend walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said '"nothing".
The reason I said that instead of saying "just thinking" is because she would have said "about what?" At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question. Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the balls? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a man getting kicked in the balls.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the balls is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a man say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the balls.
I rest my case. Time for another beer. Cheers!
The News As I See It: Everyone's jumping on the "Save The Nigerian Girls" bandwagon, especially Michelle Obama and the Hollywood types. While I sympathize with the cause and hope that the girls can be rescued, this situation is not new.
The State Department under Hillary Clinton fought hard against placing the al Qaeda-linked militant group Boko Haram on its official list of foreign terrorist organizations for two years.
Now, lawmakers and former U.S. officials are saying that the decision may have hampered the American government’s ability to confront the Nigerian group that shocked the world by abducting hundreds of innocent girls.
In the past week, Clinton, who made protecting women and girls a key pillar of her tenure at the State Department, has been a vocal advocate for the 200 Nigerian girls kidnapped by Boko Haram, the loosely organized group of Islamic militants terrorizing northern Nigeria.
Her May 4th tweet about the girls, using the hashtag #BringBackOurGirls, was cited across the media and widely credited for raising awareness of their plight.
The fact is that the Islamic terrorist group Boko Haram has been terrorizing and killing people for years. Hillary Clinton worked overtime to keep off them off the terrorist list. As for Michelle Obama and her widely publicized Tweet picture, maybe she should show the picture to her husband, Barack, and Hillary Clinton.
Guess who’s back? Monica Lewinsky. Breaking a decade-long silence, Monica Lewinsky is all over the news with her article in the June issue of Vanity Fair. Rumor has it that the Clintons are behind this article. Why? With Hillary's decision to run in 2016 almost a done deal, it's important to clear Bill-Monica affair out of the way, so that Republicans can't use it against Hillary, as Republican Senator Rand Paul did weeks ago.
The L.A. District Attorney is now investigating Donald Sterling’s mistress after she allegedly threatened to release more audio recordings in order to blackmail him. Sterling is very upset because he prefers to be whitemailed.
A 6-foot-8 Brazilian woman recently married her longtime boyfriend, who is 5-foot-4. The couple met at a park after the woman noticed her shoe was untied.
Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye are not yet married because they're working on their pre-nup. Apparently both sides are fighting over whether the marriage should last three months or four months.
A town in Texas announced a controversial plan to recycle toilet water and use it for drinking water. Dogs said, “How are you only thinking of this now?"
Sony has invented a new kind of cassette tape that could store 47 million songs. They estimate that they’ll be ready to demonstrate the new cassette for the public sometime in the year 2267 when it finishes rewinding.
This Date In History: 1914; Mother's Day became a public holiday. 1926; Explorers Richard E. Byrd and Floyd Bennett flew over the North Pole. 1936; Fascist Italy annexed Ethiopia. 1962; The Beatles signed their first recording contract and hired George Martin to be their producer.
1978; The body of slain former Italian prime minister Aldo Moro was found in an automobile in Rome. 1984; It took the Chicago White Sox 25 innings, eight hours, and six minutes, over two days, to finally defeat the Milwaukee Brewers, 7-6. It was the longest game (in elapsed time) in major-league history.
1994; The South African parliament chose Nelson Mandela as president. 2004; Chechnya's Moscow-backed leader, Akhmad Kadyrov, was killed in a bombing. Six others were killed and another 60 wounded.
Picture Of The Day: The June Vanity Fair magazine will have a controversial interview and (you'll pardon the word) spread about the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) One of my white lies was telling my daughters that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage. 2) It's not serious, we're not dating or anything. We just sometimes get brunch together....we're just Friends with Benedict. 3) My electric toothbrush ran out of batteries so I had to brush with my acoustic. 4) When my oldest daughter was young, I found out that her super power was repeating what I had said about others as soon as she met them. 5) My girlfriend spent $49 on a haircut. If she had gone to Petsmart, she'd have gotten an ear cleaning, anal gland extraction and a free bandana.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 9th: Most people are easily pleased if you use your head. An almost guaranteed smile of satisfaction begins with the easiest but most important item you purchase, the birthday card. The first and most important step, however, is to actually read the card. Nothing looks worse than to give your significant other a birthday card that reads, "Happy Birthday Grandma."
Birthdays: My friend Marilyn - Happy Birthday 19XX, Belle Boyd, spy in the Civil War 1844, Sir James Barrie, playwright 1860, Howard Carter, Egyptologist 1873, "Pancho" Gonzales, tennis player 1928, Glenda Jackson, actress 1936, Albert Finney, actor 1936, John Ashcroft, attorney general 1942, Billy Joel musician, singer, songwriter 1949.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" Tim tearfully replied, "My goldfish died and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: She married and had 5 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 3 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 2 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walked past and, snickering, says "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
That's it for today, my little sugar plums. Remember, if you're ever really bored, sit out in your front yard and point a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Wishing a very Happy Mother's Day for all the ladies, have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !