Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Nick Nolte's Got Nothin' On Me !
I needed a few things from Publix on Sunday and I figured, what the hell, it's 6:30, I'll just slip on enough clothes so I don't get arrested, run in, run out, no problems. I mean, who's going to see me at 6:30 am on a Sunday?
Murphy's Law states that if something can possibly go wrong, it will..... and it did. The morning dawn was creeping into my living room as I hurriedly looked for a T-shirt with the least amount of holes that also matched my pajama pants. I slipped on my bedroom slippers, grabbed a baseball cap and took a quick look in the bathroom mirror. The reflection in the mirror remarkably resembled actor Nick Nolte after his Hollywood arrest.
I thought, "Ah, screw it. How bad can a quick trip be?" Of course, in retrospect, it was definitely a bad idea not to take a little more time and choose something of a little better quality. At least a pair of jeans and a T-shirt with no holes. Surely not as comfortable as what I wore, but a bit more respectable.
I arrived at Publix, got a great parking spot and went into the store. As I grabbed a cart and went between the sliding glass doors, the first person I saw was my old girlfriend. Although I was extremely embarrassed, she and I had been out all night in the past. She knows what I look like in the morning and I consoled myself knowing I also know what she looks like in the morning.
We are still friends and I awkwardly explained the reason behind my choice of garb. She laughed, we exchanged pleasantries and I went into the store to grab the few necessities I wanted and, hopefully, escape with my remaining dignity intact. But it just was not meant to be, forcing me to make a mental note to remember this trip. I had experienced a similar event in the past and one would think one would clearly remember the embarrassment....one would think.
I grabbed three of the six things that I needed and in the next aisle was the remaining three item I needed. Knowing the finish line was on the horizon, I turned into the aisle and there she was.
A woman that I had flirted with and (you'll pardon the word) lusted for thirty years ago. We both knew at the time that the only reason we weren't together was the simple fact that we were both married to other people.
Thirty years ago! And she looked fantastic, dressed sexily to the "nines" and wearing makeup. And I looked like Nick Nolte when he was arrested. She recognized me immediately and came over to kiss and embrace me. Thankfully, I did take the time to put on cologne so, although I looked like a horse's ass, I didn't smell like one.
I apologized for my attire and tried to explain my reasoning. As always, she was very graceful and said she had done the same thing in the past. Knowing this woman as I do, there was no chance she ever went anywhere without dressing. We kissed goodbye and I trudged slowly to the cashier to check out. I say slowly because there was no reason to rush now. I mean, what the hell, who's going to see me at this hour.......?
The News As I See It: Some studies conclude that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine will prolong your life. Well, it turns out that's not true. The new study was conducted by the New Haven Institute of Buzz Kill.
TMZ released a surveillance video of Beyoncé’s sister, Solange, hitting and kicking her husband Jay-Z in an elevator. It's embarrassing for Beyoncé, but it's the best-case scenario for when someone tells you, "Hey, a video just leaked online of your husband and your sister going at it."
During his trip to the White House, Uruguay’s president said that more Americans should be bilingual. Then Joe Biden and Obama both said, "Thanks, but I'm happily married."
Thursday is the deadline for Iran to meet a series of measures to delay its nuclear program. Then Iran said, “Do you mean ‘Deadline deadline’ or ‘Sign up for Obamacare deadline?'”
The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.
Some NFL players actually criticized Michael Sam for kissing his boyfriend after getting drafted. Apparently NFL players aren't supposed to be in a gay relationship until they're sent to prison.
In Colorado a man was accidentally released from prison 90 years too soon. In a related story, everyone in Colorado is high.
They are reopening the Washington monument. The building has been shut down for the last two years - sort of like the Obama administration.
This Date In History: 1796; Edward Jenner administered the first smallpox vaccine to 8-year-old James Phipps. 1804; The Lewis and Clark expedition set out from St. Louis. 1904; The Olympic Games were held in the United States for the first time, in St. Louis, Missouri.
1948; British rule in Palestine came to an end as The Jewish National Council proclaimed the State of Israel. Within hours, Israel was under attack from Arab forces.
1955; The Warsaw Pact was signed by the Soviet Union and seven other Communist bloc countries. It finally dissolved in 1991. 1973; Skylab, the United States’ first space station, was launched into orbit. 1998; Frank Sinatra died at the age of 82.
Picture Of The Day: Holleman's Karaoke at Sabores Reataurant in Miami Springs with yours truly at the mic.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think that the "till death do us part" of wedding vows should be reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served. 2) I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my girlfriend and she said you get used to it after a while. 3) Thanks to yesterday's chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall. 4) My buxom friend sat on her cat. Long story short, I can now add search and rescue / proctologist and vet to my resume. 5) "Stay out of the heat and stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It's my first summer.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 14th: Today, you will learn that the average male has had 15 sex partners, the average female has had 7 and the average penguin has had one. You will also learn that you're a penguin. The urban term "chillax" is a combination of the slang "chill" and the more traditional word "laxative."
Birthdays: Thomas Gainsborough, painter 1727, Robert Owen, social reformer 1771, Otto Klemperer, conductor 1885, George Lucas, American film director and producer 1944, David Byrne, musician 1952, Cate Blanchett ,actress 1969.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The 5-year-old said, "Hit him again, He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they all dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. He mumbles from behind the mask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely, "Are - my - test - results - back?"
That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, the worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is." A trip to AREA 51 sounds like a plan.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !