Friday, May 2, 2014

Not Everything Tastes Like Chicken

When I was little, we raised chickens. One day, I asked my daddy if I could help and he said, "Yep, you can crack some corn to feed the chickens." So, I cracked corn but no one cared...... Well, maybe except Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

Publix - Where Shoplifting Is a Pleasure

Jameis Winston, Florida State’s Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback, has been suspended from the school’s baseball team after he was cited for shoplifting. Florida State baseball coach Mike Martin suggested on Wednesday that Winston will be reinstated to the team after he fulfills his obligations resulting from the citation.

Major Michael Wood of the Leon County Sheriff’s Office said at a press conference on Wednesday that Winston was seen leaving a Publix grocery store on Tuesday evening with crab legs that he hadn’t paid for. Wood said, " He left with the seafood and did not come back. The facts are not in dispute, he left without paying."

Winston won the Heisman in December, a month after a Florida prosecutor announced no charges would be filed over a woman's allegation that Winston raped her in 2012. The prosecutor said authorities did not even have probable cause to arrest Winston in the case. The accuser alleged Winston had raped her after she had been drinking with friends at a bar. Winston maintained that the sexual activity was consensual.

The U.S. Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights has opened an investigation of Florida State University into whether its handling of the Jameis Winston rape allegations violated Title IX laws.

A few things are certain about Winston. Firstly, his mom doesn't know how to spell "James". Secondly, he doesn't appear to be real bright. For a man who is on the brink of becoming a multi-million dollar NFL player, one would think that if he really wanted the crab meat, many fans would have gladly purchased them for him.

As I have also left a store and forgotten to pay, I find it very believable that "he forgot to pay" so I'll let that point slide. But his rape case continues to be a dark cloud over his head. If I was a family member, I would highly suggest counseling on how to act and react in public. After all, there are more than a million reasons to toe the line.

The News As I See It: Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling's girlfriend said she's “going to be president of the United States” one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.

A show business insider said that the Los Angeles Clippers are up for sale and will be purchased by Oprah Winfrey. The new team physician will be Dr. Phil.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is back on crack and his dealer videotaped him smoking it. It is a sad state of affairs, ladies and gentlemen, when you can't trust your drug dealer.

Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston is in the news after he shoplifted $32 worth of crab legs from a Florida Publix grocery store. Experts say if he doesn’t clean up his act and stop breaking the law, he could end up in the NFL.

The Royal Court of Saudi Arabia has launched a website that will accept complaints against the government and send them directly to the king. You can even submit a second complaint if you want — using your remaining hand.

This Date In History: 1885; Good Housekeeping magazine went on sale for the first time. 1939; Lou Gehrig established a new major-league baseball record when he played his 2,130th consecutive game. It would take another 57 years before Cal Ripken, Jr., broke it.

1945; The Soviet Union announced the fall of Berlin. 1955; Tennessee Williams won the Pulitzer Prize in Drama for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. 1969; The British ocean liner Queen Elizabeth II departed on her maiden voyage to New York.

1994; Nelson Mandela was victorious in South Africa’s first multiracial election. 1997; The Labour Party’s Tony Blair became Prime Minister of Britain, ending 18 years of conservative rule. At 44, he was the youngest prime minister in 185 years.

2011; U.S. troops and CIA operatives shot and killed Osama bin Laden in Abbottabad, Pakistan. 2012; A pastel version of The Scream, by painter Edvard Munch, sold for $120 million in a New York City auction. The transaction set a new world record for an auctioned piece of art.

Picture Of The Day: Monday is the Cinco de Maio celebration. One tequila, two tequilas, three tequilas, floor....!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A new Facebook technology can identify faces with 97 percent accuracy and then asks you if you want to tag the statue in the background. 2) (Barista Waiter): "How do you take your coffee?" (Me): "Uh, I don't know. In a cup?"  3) Wine Tasting Party: (Sommelier): "This a Cabernet Sauvignon." (Me - already buzzed from happy hour): "Hmm yes, very good. A slight smokey undertone." (Sommelier): "Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine" (Me:) "Strong smokey undertone....." 4) I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups. 5) My girlfriend has put a very nice set of Victoria's Secret undergarments by the bed in case the tornado siren goes off. She said, " I'll be damned if I'm dying wearing granny panties.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - May 2nd: Deep down inside, you secretly want to be married. Whether single or not, matrimony beckons all of us at certain times. In my case, I once met and fell in love. She said had been married twice. I could tell it was more than that by the rice marks on her face.  

Birthdays: Alessandro Scarlatti, composer 1660, Catherine the Great, czarina of Russia (1762–96) 1729, Elijah J. McCoy, inventor 1843, Theodor Herzl, Zionist 1860, Manfred von Richthofen, aviator 1892, Benjamin Spock, pediatrician 1903.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16-gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he regained consciousness .... And there was his doctor, Sven.

Dr. Sven said, "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of DA buckshot." Ole asked, "What's the bad news?" Dr. Sven said, "Da bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

Ole says, "Well, I guess that isn't too bad. Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" Dr. Sven says. "No, she's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

One morning, a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy said, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking dejected. The doctor asked, "Well, what have the two of you decided?' The man replied, "She said she would rather remodel the kitchen."

What Do You Look For In Choosing ASpouse? I was so touched by these prayers, that I thought that I would share them with you.

The woman wrote: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, and when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other and relish visits with my mother.

The man wrote: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, vodka is just potatoes that made the right career choices. I'm heading to a new AREA 51 venue tonight for happy hour, karaoke and for consideration for future treks.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Imma liking the line about Sterling’s Girl Friend gonna be president.

Chickpea? Aw rite, another good line.

About the Kitchen remodel job. The lady just doesn’t want to get used to something new.
Nite from North Carolina , Enjoyed the visit and read…