Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Pregnant? There's An App For That

In ancient Egypt, Cleopatra, despondent after learning of the death of Marc Anthony in a concert in San Juan, Puerto Rico, wanted to kill herself, but was afraid. Her servant reassured her saying, "Don't worry Cleo, there's an asp for that." As usual, the media misquoted her.

I have apps that came installed on my Blackberry, most of which I don't use, mainly because I don't know how. I am proficient in dialing and answering, and have almost mastered how to text and take pictures. Moreover, I find few things so pressing that can't wait until I get home.

I use three apps which I find useful, those being GPS, The Weather Channel and Maps. The rest of the apps (some of which I tried to delete but my cell wouldn't allow it), are about as useful as teats on a bull.

Pregnant? There's an app for that. Think your spouse is cheating on you? There's an app for that (local murder laws may apply). iPhone won't work? There's an app for that (requires purchasing an iPhone, batteries not included).

One of the most useless apps I've seen is the recent debut of the Lebron App, which touts all things deemed interesting by Miami Heat basketball player Lebron James. I assume there must be other apps that also follow "celebrity" and sports figures. Hopefully, there is not an app for Miley Cyrus or Justin Beiber.

There was an Obama app which guaranteed you could keep your current carrier, but the White House gave up on it because it kept crashing. When it did work, the only thing on it was thousands of Obie pictures with the tags, "me, me, me".

Yep, there's an app for just about anything nowadays, including reptile dysfunction. Alternatively, a snake charmer might come in handy.....

The News As I See It: Michelle Obama's brother has been fired as the basketball coach at Oregon State. Like most Americans who lost their job, he blames Obama.

The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer.....especially if the city in question is Chicago or Detroit.

Monday was Cinco de Mayo, which celebrates the Mexican army's defeat of the French. That may not sound like much today. Celebrating a victory over today's French army would be like celebrating a victory over the Los Angeles Lakers.

A new study found that a growing number of dog owners are giving their pets anti-anxiety medication as a way to calm them down and reduce unwanted stress in their lives. Then dogs said, "Or, you could just sell the vacuum cleaner."

Vladimir Putin has signed a new law banning the F-word from movies. Now the Russian version of "Wolf of Wall Street" is eight seconds long. You sit down and it's over.

This Date In History: 1824; Beethoven's 9th Symphony premiered in Vienna. 1847; The American Medical Association was organized in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. 1915; The British ocean liner Lusitania was sunk by a German submarine in World War I off the coast of Ireland.

1945; Germany unconditionally surrendered to the allies in Rheims, France. 1945; James M. Sullivan and Rebecca Sullivan announced the birth of their son, James, Jr. 1954; The 56-day-long battle of Dienbienphu ended with Ho Chi Minh's forces defeating the French, signaling the end of French power in Indochina.

1992; The 27th Amendment to the Constitution, prohibiting mid-term Congressional pay raises, was ratified. 1994; Edvard Munch's painting, The Scream was recovered a few months after it had been stolen.

1999; During action against Yugoslavia, NATO jets mistakenly bombed the Chinese embassy in Belgrade, killing three and injuring 20. 2000; Vladimir Putin was inaugurated as Russia’s president.

Picture Of The Day: There are some instances where even an app just doesn't work....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn't have toilet paper with aloe. 2) Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door. 3) How to make a woman crazy in two steps: A) Take a picture of her.  B) Don't show her the picture. 4) I threw some protein bars in the trash because the tasted like shit. Now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbor's Great Dane in the backyard. 5) I asked my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. She said, "Don't be silly, borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what f*cking hit him.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - May 7th: Today should be an excellent day for you. Aside from being artistic and handsome, you intellect far exceeds that of most people. Moreover, you're very fortunate to be the author of this blog as your horoscope is getting a bit self-indulgent.....

Birthdays: My friends Buzzie, Pat et Moi - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Robert Browning, poet 1812, Johannes Brahms, composer 1833, Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky, composer, 1840, Archibald MacLeish, poet and public official 1892, Gary Cooper, film actor 1901, Edwin H. Land, American inventor and photographic pioneer 1909, Eva Peron, political leader 1919, Johnny Unitas, football player 1933, Tim Russert, journalist 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen began to talk and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "The second man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The first man said, "Yeah, that's the one." He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows. The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

This went on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!" The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

The woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep. More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.

Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are you carrying puppies in there?" Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied, "Why yes, yes they are. She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away, I'll take the one with the pink nose!"

That's it for today, my little apple blossoms. Remember, as long as the phrase "interracial relationship" exists, I'm going to refer to same race ones as a "color-coordinated relationship." My usual trek to AREA 51 is a bit "iffy" tonight as I have some alternate plans with, of course, ulterior motives.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Snake charmer! Thanks Jimmy that is one thing I haven’t tried!
Good line on deleting the ‘F’ word and the movie..
I am just not an Apps type guy, I exercise but I just cannot get that 6 pack of apps the kids are talking about.
I did crack up with the final Scot retort on sex..
Thanks for the entertainment, good read!
Have fun, even if you don't make area 51!