Monday, May 18, 2015

A Midsummer Night's Dream?

I had the coolest dream last night. It began with the usual suspects, family members, friends, ex-wives, girlfriends and the like, but I ended up in a nightclub with all of the past comedians of yesterday for the evening.

It was so surreal, drinking and hobnobbing with the likes of George Burns, Henny Youngman, Jack Benny, Shecky Green and others. It was the first time that I can ever remember waking up laughing.

Oddly enough, I was just one of the guys and everyone referred to me by my first name. I actually thought it was real until I woke up. A very pleasant experience

Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's fate was decided by a jury last week and the decision was that he will be put to death. I have mixed emotions as to his ultimate demise. My personal belief is that the jury's decision was correct, but nothing would please me more than to deny his martyrdom and watch him rot in prison for the rest of his life. Either way, it's in God's hands now.

We lost a few good ones last week. Blues master B.B.King died at the age of 89 after a series of mini strokes. Garo Ypremian, kicker for the 1972 undefeated Miami Dolfins died at the age of 70 after a lengthy illness. Both will be missed.

The News As I See It: Obama was not feeling well this weekend and concerned about his mortality, consulted a well-known psychic about the date of his demise.

The psychic closed her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she found the answer. She said, "You will die on a Jewish holiday."

Obama asked nervously, "Which one? The psychic replied, "It doesn't matter. Whenever you die, it will become a Jewish holiday."

A man in Florida was arrested for wearing an Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter.

This Date In History: 1642; The city of Montreal was founded by the French. 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. 1896; The Supreme Court affirmed racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson as "separate but equal."

1920; Pope John Paul II was born near Krakow, Poland. 1953; Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. 1974; India became the 6th country to become a nuclear power.

1980; Mount St. Helens, in Washington state, erupted after being dormant for 123 years. 1994; Israeli troops withdrew from the Gaza strip after three decades of occupation and Palestinians took over.

2000; A bill was finally passed that removed the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse. 2003; President Megawati Sukarnoputri of Indonesia declared martial law and sent 30,000 troops into Aceh.

2004; Randy Johnson, age 40, became the oldest pitcher to throw a perfect game. 2004; Sonia Gandhi stunned her party, the Indian National Congress, by refusing to accept the prime ministership of India.

Picture Of The Day: Samantha seems like sleeping on my computer keyboard so much, I came up with an idea to kill two birds with one stone.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) What I said was, "Just a trim, please." What barber must have heard, "Give me the Kim Jong-un." 2) "Stay out of the heat and stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It's my first summer. 3) My girlfriend's been having a problem with diarrhea. The doctor told her lemons would help. Maybe so, but I'm betting that as soon as she takes one out, it will start again. 4) I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups. 5) When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized cowboys didn't have toilet paper with aloe.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - May 18th: Ten people will confess a manic love for you this week. And to think, one in twelve people that read this horoscope will find the same to be true. Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them. Oh sure! Just me?

Birthdays: My son Kevin - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Omar Khayyam, poet and mathematician 1048, Bertrand Russell, philospher 1872, Walter Gropius, architect 1883, Ezio Pinza, singer 1892, Margot Fonteyn, ballerina 1919, John Paul II, pope, successor of John Paul I, 1920, Reggie Jackson, baseball player 1946, Chow Yun-Fat, actor 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: (Operator): "911" (Me): "My wife is going into labor, what do I do?" (Operator): "Relax sir, is this her first born?" (Me): "No, this is her husband."

A Roadway truck driver is driving east on Route 66 and he sees another truck driving west. The CB crackles to life and a voice "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest assholes in America?" The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says, "You and your brother."

The Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke. Tell it to the next truck you see." The Roadway driver goes for about an hour and finally sees another truck.

He gets on the CB and says, "Hey trucker, do you know who the two biggest assholes in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies, "Me and my brother."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks delighted and says, "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! His friend says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?"

The farmer said, "He just gave him some pills'." His friend asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Vern was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. The Coroner asked, "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" Vern replied, "Yes, sir, that's correct."

The Coroner said, "Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her ass." Vern asked, "Was it a Titleist 3?" The Coroner answered, "Yes, it was." Vern said, "That was my mulligan."

That's it for today, my little sweet peas. Remember, politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Thanks for the entertainment. I think I will borrow your dream tonite, sounds great.

I look for ward to a new Jewish holiday!