Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Coloring Inside the Lines

My first inkling that we were poor was in elementary school. I had a box of 8 crayolas and the kid sitting in front of me had a deluxe box of 64 crayons. My chances of playing doctor with the cute girl sitting next to me went down the crapper when she asked to borrow my "Burnt orange" crayola.

I shrugged it off but I began to notice other things. Some kids had the Roy Rogers or Dale Evans lunch box and I had the brown grocery bag.

During the Christmas holidays, some kids got new bikes. We usually got a cap pistol and holster (which I liked) and the remaining gifts were usually clothes and other useful things. We got new school clothes twice a year..... the beginning of the school year and Christmas.

Still, we never felt like we were poor. After school, we were required to do our chores and finish our homework. If the sun was still up, we were outside playing with the other kids.

If we were thirsty, we drank well water form the hose. If we got hungry, the many fruit trees in the neighborhood provided a snack. We knew to come home when mother whistled or the street lights came on.

We were required to say "please" and "thank you" Parents were answered with "Yes sir" or "Yes ma'am." Mother taught us to use eating utensils correctly and table manners.

Yep, we may have not had much money, but we were blessed with good parents who raised us correctly. It's becoming a lost art.....

The News As I See It: Congratulations to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds.....or around 12 American dollars.

The 89-year-old queen of England met her new great-granddaughter for the first time. Both cried a little, burped, and then fell asleep.

A Florida man is suing a hospital for throwing his right leg away after it was amputated. The hospital's attorney told them not to worry because the man does not have a leg to stand on.

In New Hampshire, a 95-year-old World War II veteran successfully defended himself against a mugger by hitting him with his cane. The veteran will now face Floyd Mayweather next Saturday on pay-per-view.

This Date In History: 1882; Congress passed the Chinese Exclusion Act over President Chester A. Arthur's veto. 1889; The Universal Exposition opened in Paris, marking the completion and dedication of the Eiffel Tower.

1937; The German airship Hindenburg blew up and burst into flames at Lakehurst, N.J. 1941; Dictator Joseph Stalin became the premier of Russia. 1954; British athlete Roger Bannister became the first person to run a mile in under four minutes (3:59:4).

1994; The Chunnel between England and France officially opened. 1999; Scotland elected its first separate parliament in three centuries.

Picture Of The Day: No, Donald Trump doesn’t put his hair on a big leaf when he goes to bed. This crazy, hairpiece-looking clump of yellow fluff is actually a rare caterpillar that only looks like Donald Trump’s hair. And for that reason, this flannel moth caterpillar photographed in the Amazon has been nicknamed the Donald Trump Caterpillar.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm 80 percent Rice Krispies. 2) If God is a woman, not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it. 3) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks. 4) Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. This is great news! It means we won't have to deal with them too much longer. 5) Ninety percent of women that wear yoga pants probably don't do yoga. One hundred percent of straight men don't care.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeTaurus - May 6th: Don't be discouraged with recent politics and speeches. There's more important things to worry about this weekend if you know what I mean. Buy those shoes you were thinking about.

While you're at it, buy some odor eaters for the shoes, as well. There have been too many dogs following you around. Romance odds are 70-30 provided you buy those odor eaters. If not, plan on renting a movie.

Birthdays: Sigmund Freud, psychoanalyst 1856, Robert Peary, American arctic explorer 1856, Rudolph Valentino, actor 1895, Orson Welles, actor, director, producer 1915, Willie Mays, baseball player 1931, Tony Blair, British political leader 1953.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blond woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." The blond replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

Three little boys were visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa?" Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please. Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked, "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?"

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. He stammered, "Where to?" The woman answered, "Union Station" The cabbie said, "You got it," and took another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

The woman said, "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman replied, "On my balls."

That's it for today, my little pollywogs. Remember, the truth will set you free. That is, unless the truth is that you committed armed robbery holding up a liquor store. In that case, the truth will get you 10 to 25. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

I would like to wish all the Moms out there a very Happy Mother's Day !

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Yes, children raised according to your story are a thing of the past. It is a shame too. But it makes a great story that stirs a lot of memories.
I gotta tell you I cracked up at the eight pounds or twelve dollars American...
Thanks for the laughs also.

Paula said...

Thank you for the Mother's Day wishes. Have fun at Area 51 tonight.

Heli gunner Tom said...

Jimmy, Your music ALWAYS cheers me up and makes me feel better ! I think that if we met 40 years ago in Vietnam: 68-70, we would have been the best of friends, sir.

Warm Regards,
Tommy Schuckman
See: TOM'JOURNAL [My humble BLOG.].