Columbus Day - Plant Your Flag Somewhere

Today is Columbus Day and be happy that Christopher Columbus found America first. His nemesis, Garmin Von Goögle Maps, showed up minutes later after taking an alternate route. It's normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

One of my favorite things to to on Columbus Day is to go around planting flags at different places and say I own it. This particular move did not work out well at the Indian Casino. As it turns out, they had seen that trick before.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions. So, Happy Columbus Day! I hope everyone takes the day to appreciate our country and of course, look for new continents.

Meanwhile, the government shutdown continues. It's now Day 14 and former democratic congressman Anthony Weiner has decided to help. He took a photo and tweeted it to Congress. Now they can see where their balls are located.

The News As I See It: Obama's approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again. Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown.

The Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, "Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one."

The Vatican made news this week after it released 6,000 commemorative medals with the word “Jesus” misspelled. When they saw what happened, the Vatican was like, “Oh, my Dog!”

Detroit's former mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been sentenced to 28 years in prison for corruption. Well, lucky for him his years in Detroit will count as time served.

If you go to the country of Kuwait, they give you something called a gay test. It's apparently illegal to be gay in Kuwait, so they ask one question, "Do you watch the Tony Awards?"

We seem to be getting along just fine without a government during the shutdown. I just pray that when the shutdown is over, all nonessential employees — about 800,000 of them — will be back at their nonessential jobs.

This Date In History: 1066; The Normans, under William the Conqueror, defeated the English at the Battle of Hastings. 1933; Nazi Germany withdrew from the Geneva disarmament conference and the League of Nations.

1947; U.S. Air Force Captain Charles "Chuck" Yeager became the first person to travel faster than the speed of sound. 1964; Martin Luther King, Jr., was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in civil rights.

1968; The first live telecast from a staffed U.S. spacecraft was transmitted from Apollo 7. 1990; Composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein died in New York at age 72.

Picture Of The Day: Th

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska or is it just understood? 2) The Surgeon General warns that alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women. 3) By the way, I'm a vegan until my next paycheck. 4) Relationships are fun. When the girl I just met went in the other room, I asked her dog what she looks like naked. 5) Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 13th: When your lover starts wearing more clothes to bed than to work, it's a good guess that your happiness is close to being over. Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins, this week.

Birthdays: My pals Matt and Rhonda - Happy Birthday! 19XX, James II king of England, Scotland and Ireland 1633, William Penn founder of Pennsylvania 1644, Elwood Haynes, inventor 1857, Dwight D. Eisenhower, American general and 34th President of the United States 1890, Lillian Gish, actress 1893, e. e. cummings, poet 1894, William Edwards Deming, management consultant 1900, Hannah Arendt, political theorist, 1906, Roger Moore, actor 1927, Ralph Lauren, fashion designer 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in Washington, DC, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.

Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Barack Obama who has been swept away by the flood waters.

He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

Here's the question and think carefully: Which lens would you use?

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" The man said, "No matter, observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered round the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" The Bishop sadly replied, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Little Johnny's class were on a trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. The policeman said, "Yes, the detectives want him very badly." Little Johnny asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,went to the local church for confession.When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood, knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."      

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that." The man said, "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."      

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

The man said, "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." The priest asked, "And what is that?" The man said, "Should I tell her the war is over?"

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, after drinking coffee at work, show your empty mug to the IT guy and tell him you've successfully installed Java. He'll hate you.....

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

It Was A Dark And Stormy Night.....

There is a technical meteorological term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called "Monday." It rained all weekend and my cable was out most of the time. I don't know if the weather gods wanted to change Miami or just toilet train it.

There were a lot of thunderstorms, but for the most part, it just drizzled. Imagine me sitting in my recliner with no televison, no internet and my cat, Shithead, pissing and moaning about everything. It was too quiet. I need a little noise. When it's too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.

Well, I guess into every life, some rain must fall. In my case, it's usually when my car windows are down. In all of the quiet, I did think of something that I couldn't answer. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

The News As I See It: Some economists say we are in a recession again and some disagree. I don't know who's right about the economy, but the other day, I went to McDonalds and asked for a double cheeseburger. The kid behind the counter grabbed a cheeseburger and folded it in half.

Unemployment is still at 9.1 percent. Well, actually it's 9.2 percent if you count Hank Williams, Jr.

A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.

China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.

There’s a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don’t pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year.

This Date In History: 1845; The U.S. Naval Academy opened in Annapolis, Md. 1886; The tuxedo dinner jacket made its debut at a ball in Tuxedo Park, N.Y. 1911; Sun Yat-sen's revolutionaries overthrew the Manchu dynasty in China. 1935; George Gershwin's opera Porgy and Bess debuted on Broadway.

1943; Chiang Kai-shek took the oath of office as president of China. 1970; Fiji gained its independence from Great Britain. 1973; Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned after being charged with tax evasion. 1985; Actor and director Orson Welles died in Hollywood at age 70.

2001; California representative Nancy Pelosi became minority whip. 2002; The US Congress gave President Bush authorization to use military force against Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: Thunderstorms and lightning.....One I can handle, one I can't. Want to venture a guess as to which one?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Islamic terrorists are like king salmon. Everything's great until the seals show up. 2) In the 2012 elections, voters will be reduced to using the same criteria as a four a.m. barroom pickup: The candidate has a pulse and no visible cold sores. 3) My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone. 4) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 5) I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice really chilled the mood.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 10th: I know how you hate Mondays but get your ass to work. An unexpected, but minor, expense will make overtime this week a necessity. Ok, if you must know, that late night purchase you made online after partying all night is being shipped as we speak. Yeah, I know you forgot. Drinking does that to me too!

Birthdays: Jean-Antoine Watteau, painter 1684, Henry Cavendish, physicist and chemist 1731, Benjamin West, painter 1738, Giuseppe Verdi, composer of opera 1813, Robert Gould Shaw, soldier, Civil War figure 1837, Helen Hayes, actress 1900, Alberto Giacometti, sculptor 1901, R. K. Narayan, novelist 1906, Thelonious Monk, jazz pianist 1917.

James Clavell, (Charles Edmund DuMaresq de Clavelle), screenwriter, director, producer 1924, Harold Pinter, dramatist 1930, Ben Vereen, actor, dancer 1946, Amanda Burton, actor 1956, Tanya Tucker, country singer 1958, Brett Favre, football player 1969, Dale Earnhardt Jr., auto racer 1974, Mya, singer, actor 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

An old man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

An Avon lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.

An old man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. The man said, "Damn! What's that smell?" The Avon lady said, "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" The old man said, "Like someone shit a Christmas tree."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Wait a minute Tonto, we're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?" She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter." He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

A woman is having a bad day at the tables in Las Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know...why don't you play your age?" He walks away.

Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the woman lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

That's it for today my little jaybirds. Remember, there are far more ways to get into debt than there are ways to get out. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !