Monday, October 10, 2011

It Was A Dark And Stormy Night.....

There is a technical meteorological term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called "Monday." It rained all weekend and my cable was out most of the time. I don't know if the weather gods wanted to change Miami or just toilet train it.

There were a lot of thunderstorms, but for the most part, it just drizzled. Imagine me sitting in my recliner with no televison, no internet and my cat, Shithead, pissing and moaning about everything. It was too quiet. I need a little noise. When it's too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.

Well, I guess into every life, some rain must fall. In my case, it's usually when my car windows are down. In all of the quiet, I did think of something that I couldn't answer. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

The News As I See It: Some economists say we are in a recession again and some disagree. I don't know who's right about the economy, but the other day, I went to McDonalds and asked for a double cheeseburger. The kid behind the counter grabbed a cheeseburger and folded it in half.

Unemployment is still at 9.1 percent. Well, actually it's 9.2 percent if you count Hank Williams, Jr.

A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.

China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.

There’s a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don’t pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year.

This Date In History: 1845; The U.S. Naval Academy opened in Annapolis, Md. 1886; The tuxedo dinner jacket made its debut at a ball in Tuxedo Park, N.Y. 1911; Sun Yat-sen's revolutionaries overthrew the Manchu dynasty in China. 1935; George Gershwin's opera Porgy and Bess debuted on Broadway.

1943; Chiang Kai-shek took the oath of office as president of China. 1970; Fiji gained its independence from Great Britain. 1973; Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned after being charged with tax evasion. 1985; Actor and director Orson Welles died in Hollywood at age 70.

2001; California representative Nancy Pelosi became minority whip. 2002; The US Congress gave President Bush authorization to use military force against Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: Thunderstorms and lightning.....One I can handle, one I can't. Want to venture a guess as to which one?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Islamic terrorists are like king salmon. Everything's great until the seals show up. 2) In the 2012 elections, voters will be reduced to using the same criteria as a four a.m. barroom pickup: The candidate has a pulse and no visible cold sores. 3) My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone. 4) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 5) I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice really chilled the mood.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 10th: I know how you hate Mondays but get your ass to work. An unexpected, but minor, expense will make overtime this week a necessity. Ok, if you must know, that late night purchase you made online after partying all night is being shipped as we speak. Yeah, I know you forgot. Drinking does that to me too!

Birthdays: Jean-Antoine Watteau, painter 1684, Henry Cavendish, physicist and chemist 1731, Benjamin West, painter 1738, Giuseppe Verdi, composer of opera 1813, Robert Gould Shaw, soldier, Civil War figure 1837, Helen Hayes, actress 1900, Alberto Giacometti, sculptor 1901, R. K. Narayan, novelist 1906, Thelonious Monk, jazz pianist 1917.

James Clavell, (Charles Edmund DuMaresq de Clavelle), screenwriter, director, producer 1924, Harold Pinter, dramatist 1930, Ben Vereen, actor, dancer 1946, Amanda Burton, actor 1956, Tanya Tucker, country singer 1958, Brett Favre, football player 1969, Dale Earnhardt Jr., auto racer 1974, Mya, singer, actor 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

An old man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

An Avon lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.

An old man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. The man said, "Damn! What's that smell?" The Avon lady said, "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" The old man said, "Like someone shit a Christmas tree."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Wait a minute Tonto, we're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?" She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter." He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

A woman is having a bad day at the tables in Las Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know...why don't you play your age?" He walks away.

Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the woman lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

That's it for today my little jaybirds. Remember, there are far more ways to get into debt than there are ways to get out. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Okay, it went like this. I cleaned up my mess after reading Hank Jr. up there.
Then the danged Christmas tree thing brought the green tea out my nose again!! Knock it off!

Anonymous said...

More stories than I heard in my Starbucks today. And I have so far successfully stayed out of debt.