Vegetables Have Feelings Too !

I must admit that I was strictly a meat and potatoes kid and the only vegetables I liked were potatoes, corn, green beans and, oddly enough, spinach. The mere sight of cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower or asparagus made me wrench. If I entered the house and there was a putrid smell in the air, it meant that Dad was on the toilet or Mom was boiling collard greens (sometimes, it was both).

The fortunate part about my relationship with vegetables came with the help from a few special ladies who introduced me to the particular veggies I wasn't fond of. Their variations on vegetable dishes enlightened me and induced me to try new dishes, most of which I enjoyed. Moreover, I found out that some vegetables have uses I never imagined.

Unfortunately, there are some vegetables that have no use at all in this world namely asparagus and even worse, asparagus served with liver. I can't begin to tell you the horrible ways I got rid of those meals.

The most useful way, and a favor I'll never forget, was my dog Beannie, who learned to catch meat in midair when tossed his way. Interchanging tossing him some liver, then tossing him some asparagus, worked like a charm although the dog face he made as he swallowed the asparagus whole before realizing it tasted like shit was classic.

Still, today I eat most all vegetables prepared in many ways and I'm glad that I do. I'm also grateful to the ladies who showed me the way along those who helped me with the vegetables.....

The News As I See It: O.J. Simpson has been arrested in prison. He was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. Do you get the feeling that O.J.'s not even trying anymore? Here's a guy who got away with murder and now he can't get even steal a couple of cookies. But, to O.J.'s credit, he is vowing to find the real cookie thief.

Simpson says he did not steal the cookies, but he’s writing a book about how he would have done it. Unfortunately, officials may have blown the case when they had him stick his hand in the cookie jar and it wouldn't fit.

The Post Office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, "If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating."

Some people got together and set a new world record in Times Square for twerking. Hah......and still Vladimir Putin says Americans aren't exceptional.

The maker of Barilla pasta is facing criticism after saying that he would not show gay families in his company's ads. The gay community said they would definitely boycott — you know, if they still ate carbs.

This Date In History: 1791; Mozart's opera The Magic Flute premiered in Vienna, Austria. 1927; Babe Ruth hit his 60th home run. The record stood until Roger Maris hit 61 in 1961. Mark McGwire beat Maris's record in 1998 by hitting 70 and Barry Bonds topped this in 2001 with 73.

1938; Britain and France surrendered to Germany's demands concerning the Sudetenland, and signed the Munich Pact. 1946; Twenty-two Nazi leaders were found guilty at the Nuremberg trials. 1949; The Berlin Airlift came to an end. 1955; Actor James Dean was killed in a car crash.

Picture Of The Day: The perfect picture to start off the week.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor. 2) She hated my mixed-tape back in college. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode. 3) A woman drove me to drink.....and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. 4) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 5) My daughter once asked me what marriage was like, so I threw out all her Barbie and Ken dolls, except for Fat Barbie and bald, drunken Ken......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 30th: You may become trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits this week. You can avoid the panther's attack by simply singing along with Michael Bolton but there's no cure from the lingering effects of Bolton's music.

Birthdays: My beautiful friend Anne and my niece Jennifer - Happy Birthday girls 19XX, Hans Geiger, physicist 1882, David Oistrakh, violinist 1908, Lester Maddox, public official 1915, Truman Capote, novelist 1924, Elie Wiesel, American writer, writing in French 1928, Martina Hingis tennis player 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled, "his wife is here with his lunch."

A woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep. More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.

Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are those puppies you're carrying in there?" Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied, "Why yes, yes they are.

She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away, I'll take the one with the pink nose!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pay s the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" The second bee answered, "Really bad. The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."

The first bee said, "No problem, just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." The second bee replied, "Thanks for the tip" and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" The second bee said, "Great! It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, huge floral arrangements on every table."

The first bee asked, "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" The second bee answered, "That's my yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, never sneer about people who wax their bodies. I had myself waxed "down there" and now my socks slide on real easy.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Of The Twelve Opossums, The Worst Was Judas Asparagus

I was mostly a meat and potatoes as a kid, but over the years, I have added many previously excluded vegetables into my diet....with the exception of asparagus. This questionable food, along with liver, should only be fed to prisoners and captured terrorists.

As a matter of fact, if liver and asparagus were known to be served to this element if captured, terrorism and crime would be reduced by fifty percent. The only thing that would reduce terrorism and crime more would be a threatened sexual encounter with Nancy Pelosi, but I digress.

I have learned to prepare and enjoy spinach, brussel sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower and more. For the most part, I was served interesting and tasty dishes by several of my lady friends and I soon realized what I had been missing. Moreover, the  vegetables were good too.

But there is nothing that can be done to either asparagus or liver that pleases me, other than giving my allotted portion to someone that I dislike. Maybe one day I will stumble upon a recipe for these foods that I can enjoy. Then again, probably not.....

Two sticks of asparagus are walking down the street. One gets hit by a car and is rushed to the hospital. After performing surgery, the doctor comes out and tells the other asparagus, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, your friend will live. The bad news is, he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

The News As I See It: According to Danish researchers, people who jog live six years longer than non-joggers. Personally, I'm ok with dying early and missing that six years of jogging.

Obama says he supports same-sex marriage. Not only that but he's going to turn his birth certificate into a musical.

My question with same sex couples is who drives, who nags? Who says let's order dessert and who says I'll just have one bite?

A new survey found that the best time to post something on Facebook is on Wednesdays between 1 p.m. and 4 p.m. while the best time to post something on MySpace is between January and December.

This Date In History: 1796; Edward Jenner administered the first smallpox vaccine to 8-year-old James Phipps. 1804; The Lewis and Clark expedition set out from St. Louis. 1904; The Olympic Games were held in the United States for the first time, in St. Louis, Missouri.

1948; British rule in Palestine came to an end as The Jewish National Council proclaimed the State of Israel. Within hours, Israel was under attack from Arab forces. 1955; The Warsaw Pact was signed by the Soviet Union and seven other Communist bloc countries. It finally dissolved in 1991.

1973; Skylab, the United States’ first space station, was launched into orbit. 1998; Frank Sinatra died at the age of 82.

Picture Of The Day: My shopping trip for fruits and vegetables produced some rare and unusual items. Then again, maybe it was just a dream......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 2) They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. It's true! My friend in California told me that the night before that last earthquake hit, their family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. 3) Mexicans drive lowriders so they won’t have to get out of the car to pick tomatoes. 4) Two cows were grazing on the side of a hill and one turned to the other and said, "Mooo." The other cow replied, "Damn, I was just going to say that." 5) I went to an attractive female doctor last week for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 14th: Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I'm not saying to try anything dangerous, but you can take a chance on liver and asparagus. Chance of romance is 62.38 percent but a lot less if you have liver and asparagus breath.

Birthdays: Thomas Gainsborough, painter 1727, Robert Owen, social reformer 1771, Otto Klemperer, conductor 1885, George Lucas, American film director and producer 1944, David Byrne, musician 1952, Cate Blanchett, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The middle aged woman was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." He thinks, "This is my lucky day" and gives it his all on the kitchen table. He says afterwards, "What was that all about?" She says, "The egg timer's broken."

Murray passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Edna, turned to her oldest friend Rachel and said, "Well, I'm sure Murray would be pleased." Rachel, who lowered her voice, leaned in close and replied, "I'm sure you're right. How much did this really cost?"

Edna said, "All of it. Thirty thousand dollars." Rachel exclaimed, "Your kidding?! I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Edna answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Rachel computed quickly, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" Edna replied, "Two and a half carats."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. Dad says, "Son, where were you today?" The son says, "At school, dad." Robot slaps the son!

The son says, "Ok, I watched a DVD at my friend' house!" The father asks, "Which DVD?" The son says, "Toy Story." Robot slaps the son again!

The son says, "Ok, it was a porno" The father says, "What!? When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was!" The robot slaps the Dad!

Mom laughs, "Ha Ha Ha! You can certainly see that he's your son." Robot slaps the mom.....!

Wu Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Wu Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later, Wu Chow calls again and says, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

That's it for today, my little road runners. Remember, burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

I Hate Asparagus (And Liver) !

I used to hate vegetables, but over time, my pallet has changed and I can eat most any of them......except asparagus! I now enjoy most vegetables, but I'd rather eat newspaper before asparagus. The only thing that could make it less appealing would be to serve it with liver. I hate liver too ! And I'm not alone....

There's a Facebook page called "I Hate Asparagus." There must be some merit to my disgust for asparagus when someone actually makes a Facebook page to express their disdain.

As a child, I realized early on that my parents were plotting to poison me by serving liver and asparagus at dinner. As most of the kids of my day knew well, you had to "clean your plate" (eat everything) before you were excused from the table. The only way I avoided certain death was that I trained my dog, Beannie, to catch food in mid-air.

The trick was that when my parents weren't looking, I'd throw Beannie a piece of liver which he would gulp down, Then, I would throw him a piece of asparagus which he would gulp down before he realized it was asparagus.

Beannie, of course, figured out that he had been tricked and immediately began to lick his ass to get the asparagus taste out of his mouth. I had to coax Beannie to eat the next piece of liver by letting him smell it and once he was satisfied, I'd throw him the liver and he'd gulp it down. Naturally, the next morsel I tossed him was another piece of asparagus and so the the evening meal went.

Well, nowadays I like my vegetables more than ever. Of course, they go a lot better disguised with ground beef and cheddar cheese.....

The News As I See It: Federal fugitive Whitey Bulger’s brother was a politician. So one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low and the other one was a mobster.

Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama’s Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich’s face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous. Blago was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse.

Newt Gingrich said Republicans shouldn’t be afraid to go into black ghettos and tell them Obama failed them. To which every Republican replied, "You first."

Justin Bieber and Obama were both in New York recently. The traffic gridlock was terrible. I can just imagine seeing all the people trying to get a glimpse of the most popular man in the world just down the street from Obama.

Sarah Palin recently tweeted that her daughter Bristol's new memoir is quote "shocking, refreshing, honest, inspiring, and perfect.'" Of course, she said the same thing about the movie "Cars 2."

This Date In History: 1613; London's Globe Theatre burned down during a performance of Shakespeare's Henry VIII. 1767; The British Parliament approved the Townshend Acts.

1972; The Supreme Court ruled in Furman v. Georgia that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual" prompting some states to revise their laws.

1995; The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit Earth. 2003; Actress Katharine Hepburn died.

Picture Of The Day: There's just something about broccoli that always made me think of a small tree and, lo and behold, some one photoshopped the thought. Pretty neat!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A truly perfect marriage would be one between a blind woman and a deaf man. 2) Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. 3) Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. 4) Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 5) When I was married, every time I tried to make my marriage more exciting, my wife found out about it.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - June 29th: You will be complimented many times today by the opposite sex. Don't be mislead. You can marry more money in ten minutes than you can earn in a lifetime. Your love life will change a bit this week. Love is like a fire. You never know if it will warm your heart or burn down your house. Personally, I'd keep a fire extinguisher nearby.

Birthdays: George Goethals, engineer 1858, George Ellery Hale, astronomer 1868, James Van Der Zee, photographer 1886, Antoine de Saint Exupéry, aviator 1900, Slim Pickens, cowboy and actor 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend." The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

The third guy said, "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house.

So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater'."

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?" Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?" Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

One of the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!" Bob said, "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop who says, "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." The lady says, "Oh thank you, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." The cop continued, "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am, I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Her husband asks, "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" His wife says, "He said the reflector is broken." Her husband says, "No problem, I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" His wife replies, "I'm not sure, Jacob, something about the emergency brake....."

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" The woman replied, "No, divorce attorney."

That's it for today my little puddin' heads. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice. Happy Hour in AREA 51 beckons. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !