Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I Hate Asparagus (And Liver) !

I used to hate vegetables, but over time, my pallet has changed and I can eat most any of them......except asparagus! I now enjoy most vegetables, but I'd rather eat newspaper before asparagus. The only thing that could make it less appealing would be to serve it with liver. I hate liver too ! And I'm not alone....

There's a Facebook page called "I Hate Asparagus." There must be some merit to my disgust for asparagus when someone actually makes a Facebook page to express their disdain.

As a child, I realized early on that my parents were plotting to poison me by serving liver and asparagus at dinner. As most of the kids of my day knew well, you had to "clean your plate" (eat everything) before you were excused from the table. The only way I avoided certain death was that I trained my dog, Beannie, to catch food in mid-air.

The trick was that when my parents weren't looking, I'd throw Beannie a piece of liver which he would gulp down, Then, I would throw him a piece of asparagus which he would gulp down before he realized it was asparagus.

Beannie, of course, figured out that he had been tricked and immediately began to lick his ass to get the asparagus taste out of his mouth. I had to coax Beannie to eat the next piece of liver by letting him smell it and once he was satisfied, I'd throw him the liver and he'd gulp it down. Naturally, the next morsel I tossed him was another piece of asparagus and so the the evening meal went.

Well, nowadays I like my vegetables more than ever. Of course, they go a lot better disguised with ground beef and cheddar cheese.....

The News As I See It: Federal fugitive Whitey Bulger’s brother was a politician. So one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low and the other one was a mobster.

Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama’s Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich’s face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous. Blago was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse.

Newt Gingrich said Republicans shouldn’t be afraid to go into black ghettos and tell them Obama failed them. To which every Republican replied, "You first."

Justin Bieber and Obama were both in New York recently. The traffic gridlock was terrible. I can just imagine seeing all the people trying to get a glimpse of the most popular man in the world just down the street from Obama.

Sarah Palin recently tweeted that her daughter Bristol's new memoir is quote "shocking, refreshing, honest, inspiring, and perfect.'" Of course, she said the same thing about the movie "Cars 2."

This Date In History: 1613; London's Globe Theatre burned down during a performance of Shakespeare's Henry VIII. 1767; The British Parliament approved the Townshend Acts.

1972; The Supreme Court ruled in Furman v. Georgia that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual" prompting some states to revise their laws.

1995; The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit Earth. 2003; Actress Katharine Hepburn died.

Picture Of The Day: There's just something about broccoli that always made me think of a small tree and, lo and behold, some one photoshopped the thought. Pretty neat!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A truly perfect marriage would be one between a blind woman and a deaf man. 2) Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. 3) Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. 4) Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 5) When I was married, every time I tried to make my marriage more exciting, my wife found out about it.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - June 29th: You will be complimented many times today by the opposite sex. Don't be mislead. You can marry more money in ten minutes than you can earn in a lifetime. Your love life will change a bit this week. Love is like a fire. You never know if it will warm your heart or burn down your house. Personally, I'd keep a fire extinguisher nearby.

Birthdays: George Goethals, engineer 1858, George Ellery Hale, astronomer 1868, James Van Der Zee, photographer 1886, Antoine de Saint Exupéry, aviator 1900, Slim Pickens, cowboy and actor 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend." The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

The third guy said, "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house.

So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater'."

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?" Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?" Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

One of the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!" Bob said, "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop who says, "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." The lady says, "Oh thank you, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." The cop continued, "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am, I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Her husband asks, "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" His wife says, "He said the reflector is broken." Her husband says, "No problem, I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" His wife replies, "I'm not sure, Jacob, something about the emergency brake....."

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" The woman replied, "No, divorce attorney."

That's it for today my little puddin' heads. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice. Happy Hour in AREA 51 beckons. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

And you are saying Sarah P. read her daughters book? All ten pages? I'll bet she did not color it.

Thanks for the fun, take care and stay out of trouble, okay try to stay out of trouble.

Paula said...

I had a boss who liked Miracle Whip on Asparagus. I like most vegtables but liver is the most disgusting tasting thing anyone could eat.

Rose said...

I eat all my veggies, asparagus is not on the top of the list but I do eat it once in a while....LOL

I used to like liver/pork sausages with hot peppers when I was younger.

Loved the golf joke. LOL

Hugs, Rose

Melanie said...