To Be Or Not To Be - What Was The Question?

Have you ever wondered how some idiots are elected to public office? If you have, try this experiment. Ask anyone the names of the contestants on "American Idol", "Dancing With The Stars", "Jersey Shore" or any other of mind numbing shows, if they know the names of the participants. Then ask the same people if they know the three branches of government, to name five of the thirteen original colonies or name the capitals of ten states.

The reason most idiots get elected to any public office is that the majority of the electorate are uninformed and quite frankly, not very intelligent. Yet these same people are the ones who know each and every name of the current contestants of the aforementioned television shows (my apologies to the people who know the answers to both the government and television show questions. You are the only ones actually qualified to make decisions about who runs our government.) 

There was a recent poll where people on the street were asked "Who won the debate between Michele Obama and Ann Romney." The answers varied as to who won. One man said, "I didn't get to see all of it, but of the portion I saw, I think Michele won." Each person interviewed went on to give his or her reason for their choice. The only minor problem was that there was no debate between Michele Obama and Ann Romney.

In a similar poll, people were asked if they thought it was fair that the candidates were not allowed to use a teleprompter during the presidential and vice presidential debates. The answers varied as to if it was fair or unfair. Once again, the minor problem with the answers was that it was a debate....not a speech.

So here's what they're selling:

The Fort Hood massacre is considered by the current administration as a workplace shooting - not terrorism. An act of terrorism label would mean the shootings happened in a combat zone, making those killed or injured eligible for a Purple Heart medal, and medical benefits similar to what soldiers injured overseas would receive. Those wounded or disabled oldiers who are now out of the Army due to medical reasons receive severance pay of about half of what it could be.

After more than two weeks of denial, the attacks in Benghazi is now considered a terrorist attack. Everyone else in the world knew it was an al-Qaeda terrorist attack except Barack and Joe. We’re seeing now why the Obama campaign drove the movie meme after Benghazi, rather than acknowledge the deadly attack for what it was.

Obama had built up a message that he has all but defeated al Qaeda. It was a catchy line — "Osama bin Laden is dead and al Qaeda is on the run." But the Benghazi attack provided strong evidence that al Qaeda is only on the run forward — on offense — in Libya, a country whose dictator Obama helped oust, without providing any sort of leadership for what came next.

"Osama bin Laden is dead and al-Qaeda is on the run" Oops! Scratch that last part from the campaign speech......

The News As I See It: It's amazing how everyone is a political genius one month every four years.

You can sense the election getting very close. Both candidates are now working very hard to shore up their support among women. In fact, they both pledged to increase domestic production of Ryan Gosling movies.

The European Farmer's Union has announced that because of cold temperatures and drought, grapes aren't growing well and as a result this will be their worst wine harvest in 50 years. Which means people are going to have to drink old wine, and who wants that, right?
 

This Date In History: 1797; Andre-Jacques Garnerin made the first parachute jump from a balloon. 1836; Sam Houston was inaugurated as the first president of the Republic of Texas.

1954; West Germany joined the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). 1962; President Kennedy announced an air and naval blockade of Cuba, following the discovery of Soviet missile bases on the island.

1973; Spanish cellist, conductor, and composer Pablo Casals died in Puerto Rico, at age 96. 1979; Muhammad Reza Shah Pahlevi, the deposed Shah of Iran, was allowed in the United States for medical treatment. This action led to the Iran hostage crisis.

Picture Of The Day: Too Cute !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally, it replies. 2) I wish there was a rollover plan for the childhood naps I refused to take. 3) Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off. 4) I asked an attractive Asian girl if she knew what an erection was. She said, "Yeah, that's when you vote." 5) I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These Taser guns are well worth the money.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 22nd: Buying a T-Shirt proclaiming your bald patch is a solar panel for a sex machine is not a good idea. The future holds much joy and happiness for someone close to you, but not you...not yet. Don't despair, your day is coming and you'll love it.

Birthdays: Franz Liszt, Hungarian composer and pianist 1811, Collis Potter Huntington, railroad builder 1821, Sarah Bernhardt, actress 1844, John Reed, journalist and radical 1887, Doris Lessing, novelist 1919, Christopher Lloyd, actor 1938, Annette Funicello, actress 1942, Catherine Deneuve, actor 1943, Jeff Goldblum, actor 1952, Amanda Coetzer, tennis player 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On his way home from work, Murray stopped at a pharmacy to purchase a thermometer. When advised by the pharmacist that they were out of oral thermometers, Murray hesitantly purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Since Murray had never used a rectal thermometer, he asked the pharmacist about the procedure.

The pharmacist said, "When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature, follow the instructions and you'll be fine."

With great reservation, Murray did as instructed, then carefully inserted the thermometer wincing as it slowly went in. After the waiting period, Murray slowly removed the thermometer and read the temperature, which turned out to be normal.

As he sat in his chair, trying to calm down and relax, he noticed that on the literature, in small print, there was a statement that read: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."

Murray leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes and said aloud, "I'm sure glad that I don't work as a tester in quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

An old man, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

The nun asked, "Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. He said, "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining."

The doctor continued, "High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have lettuce stuck in my ass!" The doctor replies, "Good grief! I'd better take a look."

The doctor tells the man to undress and then examines him. After the examination, the man asks the doctor, "Is it bad?" The doctor replies, "It's worse than than I thought and the bad thing is that it's just the tip of the iceberg"  

That's it for today, my little rancheros. Remember, it takes 250,001 Americans to screw in a light bulb. 1 to do it..and 250,000 to debate if it was politically correct. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

A Good Politician Is As Unthinkable As An Honest Burglar

If America is going to continue having presidential debates, they have to come up with a format that is not biased and doesn't insult the intelligence of voters. The idea of having a moderator seems to miss the point. To moderate is to control the debate, keep things in focus and restrict the candidates as to time limits.

The moderators thus far have failed as bad as the temporary NFL football referees. Time limits should be enforced and if it were up to me, I would cut off the speakers microphone along with a very loud horn signaling "time's up!" after the allotted speaking time.

When you give a politician a microphone, you have to assume that they will continue to talk as long as you let them. Politely calling out their name will not stop them.

It is also essential that the moderator does not have a personal agenda (which is nearly impossible). As we've seen thus far, candidates have been cut off or interrupted while making a point. Mama Cass (Candy) Crowley interrupted Romney 28 times while interrupting Obama 9 times.

Yep, they need to either reform the debate format or air it at 3 o'clock in the morning. It's really not necessary to watch the debates live anyway because all of the news organizations will air and discuss their vetted versions the next day.

My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. To tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.

The News As I See It: Last night's presidential debate was what they call the town hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place. Overall, I believe both candidates performed well and the moderator, Mama Cass was terrific.

Mitt Romney canceled his appearance on the "The View" according to Barbara Walters. He was scheduled for an interview, but he canceled at the last minute to prepare for the debate. Barbara said, "You do not cwoss me, Mitt Womney. I will have my wevenge."

One of Obama's goals in the next and final debate is to win back female voters. This explains why Obama is going to answer every future question with a passage from "Fifty Shades of Grey."

Nobody in the debate talked about the big story out of Europe — the big art heist at a museum in Rotterdam. You have to hand it to these thieves. It is not easy sneaking up in the Netherlands. Usually your wooden shoes give you away.

A company just came out with a car that will retail for only $3,000. They are calling it the 1997 Toyota Corolla.

This Date In History: 1777; British Gen. Burgoyne surrendered in Saratoga, N.Y. during the American Revolution. 1931; Mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion for which he was sentenced to 11 years in prison.

1933; Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany. 1979; Mother Teresa was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for her work with the poor in Calcutta, India. 1989; An earthquake measuring 7.1 in magnitude killed 67 and injured over 3,000 in San Francisco.

2011; Occupy Wall Street, an organized protest in New York's financial district, expands to other cities across the U.S., including Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles, and San Francisco.

Occupy Wall Street defines itself as a group of activists who stand against corporate greed, social inequality and the disproportion between the rich and poor. I define them as a group of aimless assholes and agitators.

Picture Of The Day: When the fight is over and the smoke clears, a little kiss always seems to make things better.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I don't even know where Sandwiches live. 2) Pro-gas-ti-na-tion is defined as waiting to fill up your tank while hoping the price of gas might actually go down. 3) Halloween is coming and that means the cobwebs in my house have just become decorations. 4) Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.  5) Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 17th: Screaming "Death to the Infidel!" as you're walking through busy airports or the shopping center will leave you with bruises in special places. Destiny is more like a buzz-word than something you'll ever have to think about. Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. Parlez vous Francais?

Birthdays: My pals Elaine and Joanne - Happy Birthday girls 19XX, Nathanael West, novelist 1903, Irene Ryan, actress 1903, Arthur Miller, playwright 1909, Rita Hayworth, actress 1918, Montgomery Clift, actor 1920, Evel Knievel, daredevil 1938, Margot Kidder, actress 1948, Ernie Els, golfer 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One Sunday, an older couple was sitting at the breakfast table, discussing life in general. Suddenly, the man said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to sell my stuff immediately." His wife said, "Why would you want me to do something like that?"

Her husband said, "I figure a woman as fine as you will eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff." She look at him intently and replied, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?" A man says, "Mrs. Sanders, please." The lady replies, "Speaking." The man says, "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

Mrs Sanders asked nervously, "What do you mean?" The doctor said, "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." Mrs. Sanders said, "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" The doctor replied, "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

Mrs. Sanders asks, "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" Doctor Jones replied, "The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, I've observed that you have been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also." His father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

A loving grandfather always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she'd take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. He asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" The little girl replied,  "Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

That's it for today, my little moon pies. Remember, silence is golden unless you have kids. Then, silence is just suspicious. It's happy hour time in AREA 51. See you there. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !