You Discovered What ?

Many countries in the world celebrate the anniversary of Christopher Columbus's arrival in the Americas, which occurred on October 12, 1492, as an official holiday. Although I appreciate the thought and subsequent voyages by other countries, America wasn't lost. People already lived here.

My ancestors were some of the people who came to the new world to live and I'm happy they chose to come here as opposed to some of the nastier places in the world. But the fact remains that somebody already lived here.

So while we celebrate our history, let's remember that unless you are a Native American, we're just visitors that came on spring break, moved in and became squatters on other people's land.

Oh, and by the way, open the damned banks and deliver the mail.....

The News As I See It: Twitter said that last Wednesday night's debate was the most tweeted event in political history. Really, in history? Do you think that has more to do with the fact that Twitter is only six years old?

Today is Columbus Day. As you know, Columbus came here looking for the easiest way to obtain cheap Asian goods. So he came to the right place. He just came too early, that's all. Now we just go to Walmart.

Happy birthday to actor Roger Moore, who played 007. Roger Moore is 85 years old. His new catchphrase is, "Bond, Gold Bond, Medicated Powder."

The movie "Taken 2" opened this weekend. In the first one, the bad guys kidnapped Liam Neeson's daughter. In this new movie they kidnap his ex-wife. I'm not sure that's really upping the ante.

This Date In History: 1869; The 14th president of the United States, Franklin Pierce, died in Concord, New Hampshire 1871; The Great Fire of Chicago started. That same day in Peshtigo, Wisconsin, the worst forest fire in U.S. history also began.

1934; Bruno Hauptmannn was indicted for the murder of Charles Lindbergh's baby. 1945; President Harry Truman announced the U.S. would share the secret of the atomic bomb only with Great Britain and Canada.

1956; Don Larsen of the New York Yankees pitched the first and only perfect game in a World Series. 2004; Martha Stewart began her prison sentence at Alderson Federal Prison Camp. 2005; A 7.6 magnitude earthquake centered in the Pakistani-controlled part of the Kashmir region killed more than 80,000 and injured 65,000.

Picture Of The Day: This magical couple are called Blue-footed Boobies and they mate for life. One is referred to as a Booby and two are Boobies. From my experiences in AREA 51 bars, I'd say the name(s) are appropriate.

How they were named is somewhat of a mystery to me. They have a ritualized mating dance but Boobies would better describe politicians or, of course, the obvious. Nevertheless, I'm told that's their story and they're sticking to it. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's a ten minute walk from my house to the bar. Conversely, it's a two hour walk from the bar to my house. 2) If I followed my dreams, I'd either be flying or naked in a bowling alley right now. 3) There are some things better left unsaid, which is usually the stuff I blurt out first thing. 4) The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband. 5) If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 8th: Gambling is something that may get the better of you this week. Remember, gambling doesn't always mean losing money but can also take the form of running a yellow light, crossing the road when it appears to be safe and not having medical insurance. Spitting into the wind or tugging on Superman's cape may further add to the problem.

Birthdays: Emily Blackwell, physician 1826, Edward Rickenbacker, war hero and airline executive 1890, Juan Perón, president of Argentina 1895, Frank Herbert, writer 1920, Jesse Jackson, clergyman and all around pain-in-the-ass civil rights activist 1941, Chevy Chase, comedian 1943, Dennis Kucinich, political figure 1946, Sigourney Weaver, actress 1949, Matt Damon, actor 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. She guessed, "Is it wine?" The little boy replied, "No." She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne? The little boy said, "No, it's a puppy!"

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. The monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs it into his mouth and swallows it. The bartender freaks and starts yelling about how much cue balls cost.

The guy tries to calm him down and tells him the monkey will pass it in the next day or so and he'll wash it off real well and bring it back. Sure enough the guy and the monkey come back into the bar and gave the bartender his cue ball back.

Meanwhile the monkey reaches into the peanut bowl, grabs a nut, sticks it in his butt - then eats it. The bartender stares at the monkey who continues to repeat this action again and again. So he asks the guy, "What's up with that?" The guy says, "What?"

The bartender says, "Your monkey keeps grabbing peanuts one at a time and sticking them in his butt then eating them." The man says, "Oh, that. Well, ever since the pool ball incident, he measures everything before he eats it."

Old Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Old Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Old Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Old Fred died. He said, "You know, Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

The pastor opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

That's it for today, my little cotton pickers. Remember, dog people should marry dog people and cat people should marry cat people. I'm not too sure about ferrets and we know who owns the gerbils. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Sweet Fridays !

Friday is probably my favorite day of the week. It seems to be that little bridge that takes me from the humdrum of reality into the world of imagination. Imagination..... like I'm going to catch up on some things I need to do or do something creative or......?

Therein lies the problem. The realities of the week sometimes follow me over that little bridge and just when I have an escape in mind, weekday realities remind me that whatever I decide upon better not cost more than $100. This obviously eliminates many options including dining out or going to a casino.

Sometimes I go early Saturday mornings to the the nearest lake and cast for bass. Other  times, I like to get up early and go for a long walk with my camera and check out the local flora and fauna.

My weekends are usually fun and assuming that I'm not out too late on Fridays, Saturdays are good and, of course, Sundays are usually laid back and relaxing.

The mental clouds of Monday begin forming late Sunday evening but with them comes the anticipation of the coming weekend and the countdown to Fridays begin anew.....

I try to keep my music playlist interesting and I continually add or delete songs based on popularity and my own whim. Some songs are sometimes deleted by the artist and I have no control over this. If you happen to have a song or artist you would like to see on the playlist, please mention the artist's name or song title and I will attempt to add it to the list.

Keep in mind that although everyone has their own tastes, I control the playlist so chances are that some "music" will never make the list.

I've added Adele's new song "Skyfall" (playlist #117) from the new James Bond movie of the same name which was released just after midnight this morning in Britain. Adele wrote the song with Paul Epworth, the producer with whom she collaborated on the hit "Rolling In the Deep." Within hours of it's release, "Skyfall" was in the Top 3 on the iTunes singles chart, rivaling Taylor Swift’s “Red” and PSY’s K-pop hit "Gangnam Style".

If you happen to hear some weird oriental disco style music, don't panic, it's just "Gangnam style" (playlist #118). While it will eventually go the way of the "Macarena", it amuses me for the time being, so it will be on the list for a while. Hey, listen to it, you might like it. Keep in mind that all the music can be changed to watch in video simply by clicking the "video" button.

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The News As I See It: The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the presidential debate. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs. They’re saying close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn’t tune in was Obama. The only thing that could have salvaged the president's performance would have been if the body of bin Laden fell from the ceiling onto the stage.

There was no cheering or applause allowed from the audience during the presidential debate in Denver. That was fairly easy to control. They just filled the crowd with Colorado Rockies fans.

Wednesday was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. I think the president got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met.

The first presidential debate was one of the only nights of the year when you might actually hear someone say, "Honey, turn on C-SPAN."

The Los Angeles city council voted 11-2 to overturn the ban on medical marijuana dispensaries. It's great news for the thousands of people who suffer from fake vision problems, fake back pain and fake sleep disorders.

Births in the United States have fallen for the fourth year in a row. Experts blame this on the poor economy and fear of giving birth to another Honey Boo Boo.

This Date In History: 1877; Chief Joseph surrendered to the U.S. Army. 1910; King Manuel II was overthrown in a revolution and Portugal became a republic. 1921; The World Series was broadcast on the radio for the first time.

1947; In the first televised White House address, President Harry Truman urged Americans to refrain from eating meat on Tuesdays and poultry on Sundays to help starving people in other countries. 1953;

Earl Warren was sworn in as the 14th Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. 1962; The Beatles released their first hit, "Love Me Do," in Britain. 1990; Cincinnati's Contemporary Arts Center and its director were acquitted of obscenity charges resulting from an exhibit of Robert Mapplethorpe's photographs.

2001; Barry Bonds broke Mark McGwire's record of 71 home runs in one season when he hit his 71st and 72nd homers setting the stage for an influx of baseball players on steroids..

Picture Of The Day: You can't much closer to natural beauty than this..... 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Bull sharks are breeding in fresh-water rivers and lakes, in case you ran out of things to worry about. 2) People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. 3) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 4) I'm not complaining, but I have no idea how women can wear thongs. 5) All men see in only 16 colors, just like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.....and that's five !

Bonus sixth: My friend told he he was going to a wild, sexy costume party next week and I asked him what costume he would wear. He told me that he's going as Abe Lincoln because his last four scores were seven years ago.

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 5th: Financial pressure will exert itself this week and cause problems with your love life. That romantic trip on the riverboat you had planned on will have to go onto the back-burner. It's probably for the best because I'm told that Bull sharks are breeding in fresh water rivers and lakes.

Birthdays: My pals Karen and Maria - Happy Birthday Girls ! 19XX, Jonathan Edwards, theologian 1703, Francesco Guardi, landscape and architectural painter 1712, Denis Diderot, encyclopedist 1713, Chester A. Arthur, 21st president of the United States 1830, Louis Lumiére, inventor 1864, Raymond A. Kroc,founder and builder of McDonald's Corporation 1902, Vaclav Havel, political leader, dramatist, poet 1936, Bob Geldof, rock musician 1951, Maya Lin, architect and artist 1959, Mario Lemieux, hockey player 1965, Kate Winslet, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" The man replies, "No, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." The woman asks, "What's it telling you now?" The man answers, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man looks at his watch and says, "Damned thing must be an hour fast."

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring,and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

The pastor asked, "Miss Bea, I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). she replied, "Oh, yes, isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you know, I haven't had a cold all winter."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she made the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast of eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a five dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "He said, "All this was just too wonderful for words, but what's the five dollars for?" She said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him five dollars." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Authors Note: For those of you who are following Jimmy's Journal on Facebook, you may have noticed changes in publishing notices and followers. Network Blogs, in its infinite wisdom, has "upgraded" their site and you may not see your picture on the site as a follower. You can easily correct this by simply clicking "Follow this blog" (button on the bottom) and following the instructions. Sorry for the inconvenience.

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember. the only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry is when a heroic dog dies to save his master or after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Vote For Me - I Wouldn't Lie To 'Ya

Last Friday, the White House told government contractors who were worried about fiscal cliff spending cuts to hold off on warning employees about possible layoffs. The government said it would cover legal costs if contractors are forced to slash their payrolls because of the looming $109 billion in automatic cuts next year and the contractors are alleged to have violated the WARN Act. The government will be using tax payer dollars to cover said costs.

The federal WARN Act requires businesses with more than 100 employees to notify workers at least 60 days in advance of a mass layoff or plant closing. Some states require more notice.

"Any resulting employee compensation costs for WARN Act liability as determined by a court, as well as attorneys' fees and other litigation costs (irrespective of litigation outcome) would qualify as allowable costs and be covered by the contracting agency, if otherwise reasonable and allocatable," the Office of Management and Budget said in its guidance.

Defense contractors in particular have warned for months that the upcoming sequester would cost jobs in their industry. Lockheed Martin's CEO has said publicly he may be forced to issue notice this fall of possible layoffs in 2013. If other contractors follow suit, there could be a rash of layoff notices right before Election Day.

Yesterday, Defense contractor Lockheed Martin heeded a request from the White House — one with political overtones — and announced it will not issue layoff notices to thousands of employees just days before the November presidential election.

Lockheed, one of the biggest employers in the key battleground state of Virginia, previously warned it would have to issue notices to employees, required by law, due to looming defense cuts set to begin to take effect after January 2 because of the failure of the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction (the so-called Super-committee) which was created to find a way to cut $1.5 trillion from the federal deficit over the next decade.

Such massive layoffs could have threatened Obama’s standing in the state he won in 2008 and is hoping to carry again this November.

So there you have it fellow taxpayers. Obama tells government contractors to violate federal law and the government will cover any legal costs associated with violating the WARN Act. All this paid with tax payer dollars to insure that no bad news for the White House comes out just days prior to election day.

The News As I See It: With the first presidential debate tonight, both the Obama camp and Romney camp are being careful not to overhype their candidates. They're asking voters to lower their expectations and not get too excited. Most voters are saying, "No need to worry about that, we're way ahead of you.

They're going to have "fact checkers" standing by tonight, just in case either candidate happens to say something factual.

At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Joe Biden said, "The middle class has been buried the past four years. Buried." Which candidate is he campaigning for? I’m confused.

Arnold Schwarzenegger gave an interview to "60 Minutes" last night. In the interview, Arnold says you can't run from your mistakes. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad.

Schwarzenegger's book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife. That's why it's a million pages long. The part of the book everyone's going to skip to is the part where he talks about the maid and the love child. He says he didn't think the kid was his at first. He says his first clue was mostly because the kid spoke broken English with an Austrian accent.

Schwarzenegger says in the book cheating on Maria was the stupidest thing he ever did. Excuse me, but I saw "Jingle All the Way."

Police in Florida were called this weekend after 400 pounds of marijuana washed up on the beach. The police became suspicious when people stopped building sand castles and started building White Castles and Taco Bells.

This Date In History: 1226; St. Francis of Assisi, founder of the Franciscan order, died. 1863; President Lincoln declared the last Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day. 1922; Rebecca L. Felton became the first woman U.S. Senator when she was appointed to serve out the term of Senator Thomas E. Watson.

1929; The Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes formally changed its name to the Kingdom of Yugoslavia. 1955; Captain Kangaroo and The Mickey Mouse Club premiered on television.

1974; Frank Robinson was named the first African-American manager in major league baseball. 1990; East Germany and West Germany united to become Germany, 45 years after being split into two countries at the end of World War II.

Picture Of The Day: Serenity.....I wish I was there.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 2) My book club reads wine labels. 3) If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party. 4) Somewhere between blah, blah, blah and yadda yadda, I'm sure you have a point. 5) Th and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 3rd: Sid may be a lucky name for you this week. Sid may be a fighter pilot and he may be able to hook you up with anyone you like because he's just "that" connected. Long walks, cold showers and playing with the puppies will only be a memory this week as your love life will be on the wane. Not to worry, it's temporary. 

Birthdays: John Ross, Native American chief 1790, Pierre Bonnard, painter and illustrator 1867, Thomas Wolfe, American novelist 1900, James Herriot, writer 1916, Gore Vidal, writer 1925, Dave Winfield, baseball player 1951, Al Sharpton, Jr. civil rights activist, race baiter and general pain in the ass 1954, Stevie Ray Vaughan, blues musician 1954, Tommy Lee, rock musician 1962, Clive Owen, actor 1964, Gwen Stefani, singer 1969, Neve Campbell, actress 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad.

The golf pro says, "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts." The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands penis." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad. Now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

Ma and Pa were living in Western Kentucky out on a farm up in the hills. Pa found that the hole under the outhouse was full. He went into the house and told Ma that he didn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young man down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college graduate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "sir, I know you're a college graduate and I need your help. My outhouse hole is full and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young man tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the shit all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. Boom! The second stick of dynamite goes off, spreading shit all over the farm. The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, Are you alright?" As she pulls up her panties, Ma says, "Yeah, but it's a good thing I didn't fart in the kitchen!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.

Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A loud knock came on the wife's bedroom door.  The husband said, "Guess who?" His wife responded, "I know who it is!" The husband said, "Guess what I want?" His wife answered, "I know what you want!" The husband said, "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.

She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her. In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his wife's stuffed bunny, over her exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

Authors Note: For those of you who are following Jimmy's Journal on Facebook, you may have noticed changes in publishing notices and followers. Network Blogs, in its infinite wisdom, has "upgraded" their site and you may not see your picture on the site as a follower. You can easily correct this by simply clicking "Follow this blog" (button on the bottom) and following the instructions. Sorry for the inconvenience.

That's it for today, my little tootsie pops. Remember, after a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead. My joints are killing me so, since I'm not dead, I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Ok, Everybody Out Of The Pool !

I was going through some of my parents old pictures today and I came across several of my siblings and myself in our early teenage years. A few of the pictures were taken at a public pool and included several of my friends during the times.

It was nice to see the pictures but I found myself wondering who in hell were these people that we were hanging out with. My first thoughts were that they were just friends who have changed over the years but then again, maybe it was just someone at poolside who just decided to get into the picture. I did recognize a lot of my friends but there were a few that were "iffy."

Nevertheless, I spent a hour or so looking over the old pics and reliving some fine old memories. I think it would be neat to be able to remember all of the faces but the mind has a way of keeping the important people in the front of your mind and moving the rest to the rear.

All in all, I guess it really doesn't matter. If they were important, I would remember and if not, I'm probably still friends with them on Facebook.....

The News As I See It: California was discovered in 1542 by Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo. To give you an idea how long ago that was, at the time he discovered California he was the only person in the state who spoke Spanish.

Some good news for the folks in New Orleans. Today, FEMA ruled they are eligible for disaster relief for having to watch the Saints play.

According to a photo sent back from the Mars rover, there was once a large stream of flowing water on the surface of Mars, thousands of years ago. But now it's completely dried up. Today, Al Gore blamed it on "Martian warming."

A new study in Norway says divorce rates are far higher when men help with the housework and much lower when women do all the chores. How many guys are going to jump on this study? "Honey, I'd like to help with the housework but our marriage is more important."

The presidential debates begin on Wednesday. The debates are tightly controlled. Each side, Obama and Romney, had to agree to 32 pages of rules. It's like being a Kardashian husband.

This Date In History: 1800; Spain ceded Louisiana to France in the secret Treaty of San Ildefonso. 1908; Henry Ford introduced the first mass-produced automobile on the market—the Model T car to the market. Each car cost $825.

1936; General Francisco Franco became head of the insurgent Spanish government. 1961; Roger Maris of the New York Yankees hit his 61st home run of the season, breaking Babe Ruth's record of 60 set in 1927. 1971; Walt Disney World opened in Orlando, Florida.

Picture Of The Day: "The power of imagination makes us infinite." ~ John Muir.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Back in the day, the old lady who lived next door burst into her husband's bedroom, flung open her robe and yelled, "Super Pussy!" The old man said "I'll have the soup." 2) Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday. 3) If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 4) Regular naps prevent old age -- especially if you take them while driving. 5) When I was married, I took my wife everywhere, but she always found her way back.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: I was sitting in AREA 51 last week and I asked a lovely Oriental girl if she knew what an erection was. She said, "Of course, it's when we vote."

Today's Horoscope: Libra: Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins, this week. It may become apparent today that you are gradually becoming like your parents. Love may be just around the next corner, but if you have a GPS system like mine, you'll likely miss the turn. 

Birthdays: William Edward Boeing, aircraft manufacturer 1881, Vladimir Horowitz, pianist 1904, Walter Matthau, actor 1920, James Carter, Jr., American President 1924, William Rehnquist, Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court 1924, Tom Bosley, actor 1927 Julie Andrews, actress 1935, Randy Quaid, actor 1950, Mark McGwire, baseball player 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. The nuns pleaded, "Mother, please give us some wisdom before you die".

Mother Superior raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia-South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy from South Carolina got out and watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In the back woods of Arkansas, Bubba's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. The doctor said, "Whoa there Bubba! Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down, I think there's yet another one." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

The doctor said, "Well I'll be! Don't put down that lantern, young man. Here comes another one!" Bubba scratched his head in bewilderment and said, "Doc, do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

You Know You're In A Rural Church When: 1) The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. 2) Two men in the congregation learn that Jesus fed the multitudes with only two fish and they ask if the two fish were bass or catfish and what bait was used to catch 'em. 3) Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. 4) Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call. 5) The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it is opened by a little boy. The man asks the boy, "Where is your mother?" The boy says, "She's in the backyard, screwing the goat." The man exclaims, "Son, it's not nice to make up stories like that!" The boy says, "Come on in and I'll show you."

So the taxman follows the little boy to the back of the house and looks out the window into the backyard. sure enough, he sees a woman screwing a goat. Disgusted, he turns to the boy and says, "That is gross! Doesn't that bother you?" The little boy answers, "Naaaaaaaaah!"

That's it for today, my little rosebuds. Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !