Monday, October 8, 2012
You Discovered What ?
Many countries in the world celebrate the anniversary of Christopher Columbus's arrival in the Americas, which occurred on October 12, 1492, as an official holiday. Although I appreciate the thought and subsequent voyages by other countries, America wasn't lost. People already lived here.
My ancestors were some of the people who came to the new world to live and I'm happy they chose to come here as opposed to some of the nastier places in the world. But the fact remains that somebody already lived here.
So while we celebrate our history, let's remember that unless you are a Native American, we're just visitors that came on spring break, moved in and became squatters on other people's land.
Oh, and by the way, open the damned banks and deliver the mail.....
The News As I See It: Twitter said that last Wednesday night's debate was the most tweeted event in political history. Really, in history? Do you think that has more to do with the fact that Twitter is only six years old?
Today is Columbus Day. As you know, Columbus came here looking for the easiest way to obtain cheap Asian goods. So he came to the right place. He just came too early, that's all. Now we just go to Walmart.
Happy birthday to actor Roger Moore, who played 007. Roger Moore is 85 years old. His new catchphrase is, "Bond, Gold Bond, Medicated Powder."
The movie "Taken 2" opened this weekend. In the first one, the bad guys kidnapped Liam Neeson's daughter. In this new movie they kidnap his ex-wife. I'm not sure that's really upping the ante.
This Date In History: 1869; The 14th president of the United States, Franklin Pierce, died in Concord, New Hampshire 1871; The Great Fire of Chicago started. That same day in Peshtigo, Wisconsin, the worst forest fire in U.S. history also began.
1934; Bruno Hauptmannn was indicted for the murder of Charles Lindbergh's baby. 1945; President Harry Truman announced the U.S. would share the secret of the atomic bomb only with Great Britain and Canada.
1956; Don Larsen of the New York Yankees pitched the first and only perfect game in a World Series. 2004; Martha Stewart began her prison sentence at Alderson Federal Prison Camp. 2005; A 7.6 magnitude earthquake centered in the Pakistani-controlled part of the Kashmir region killed more than 80,000 and injured 65,000.
Picture Of The Day: This magical couple are called Blue-footed Boobies and they mate for life. One is referred to as a Booby and two are Boobies. From my experiences in AREA 51 bars, I'd say the name(s) are appropriate.
How they were named is somewhat of a mystery to me. They have a ritualized mating dance but Boobies would better describe politicians or, of course, the obvious. Nevertheless, I'm told that's their story and they're sticking to it.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's a ten minute walk from my house to the bar. Conversely, it's a two hour walk from the bar to my house. 2) If I followed my dreams, I'd either be flying or naked in a bowling alley right now. 3) There are some things better left unsaid, which is usually the stuff I blurt out first thing. 4) The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband. 5) If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 8th: Gambling is something that may get the better of you this week. Remember, gambling doesn't always mean losing money but can also take the form of running a yellow light, crossing the road when it appears to be safe and not having medical insurance. Spitting into the wind or tugging on Superman's cape may further add to the problem.
Birthdays: Emily Blackwell, physician 1826, Edward Rickenbacker, war hero and airline executive 1890, Juan Perón, president of Argentina 1895, Frank Herbert, writer 1920, Jesse Jackson, clergyman and all around pain-in-the-ass civil rights activist 1941, Chevy Chase, comedian 1943, Dennis Kucinich, political figure 1946, Sigourney Weaver, actress 1949, Matt Damon, actor 1970.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. She guessed, "Is it wine?" The little boy replied, "No." She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne? The little boy said, "No, it's a puppy!"
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. The monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs it into his mouth and swallows it. The bartender freaks and starts yelling about how much cue balls cost.
The guy tries to calm him down and tells him the monkey will pass it in the next day or so and he'll wash it off real well and bring it back. Sure enough the guy and the monkey come back into the bar and gave the bartender his cue ball back.
Meanwhile the monkey reaches into the peanut bowl, grabs a nut, sticks it in his butt - then eats it. The bartender stares at the monkey who continues to repeat this action again and again. So he asks the guy, "What's up with that?" The guy says, "What?"
The bartender says, "Your monkey keeps grabbing peanuts one at a time and sticking them in his butt then eating them." The man says, "Oh, that. Well, ever since the pool ball incident, he measures everything before he eats it."
Old Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Old Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Old Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Old Fred died. He said, "You know, Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
The pastor opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
That's it for today, my little cotton pickers. Remember, dog people should marry dog people and cat people should marry cat people. I'm not too sure about ferrets and we know who owns the gerbils. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !