Meet Miss P

 
Miss P won the Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Show held at Madison Square Garden on Tuesday. The nearly four-year-old beagle is the grandniece of Uno, the first beagle to ever win the big show, in 2008.

Miss P, who is retiring to motherhood, did not exhibit the charm of Uno, who howled at strategic points when he was judged at Westminster. She has not met Uno, who lives in retirement in Austin, Texas, and will soon turn 10.

Michelle O'Barko was disqualified from the Westminster Dog Show competition for apparently wearing a weave in lieu of her natural mane

The East Coast is going through one of the worst winters in history. Schools have had a record number of snow days. The only math kids are doing is how many glasses of wine their mom drinks before 2 p.m.

In Washington, they closed federal offices, so Congress was forced to get nothing done from home. Meanwhile, Barry Obama spent Monday playing a round of golf in sunny California and then flew back to Washington on Air Force One. The next day, the 10,000 people stranded at Boston's Logan Airport changed their political affiliation to Republican.

Yesterday a federal judge suspended Obama's executive order on immigration. He still doesn't understand that there's a playbook called the Constitution and that he just can't make up his own rules as he goes along. Then again, he can't remember that on 22 separate occasions, he has said he didn't have the power to change the immigration law.

Michelle revealed that she has banned boxed macaroni and cheese from the White House. It was tough on Joe Biden because he couldn't make his wife any jewelry for Valentine's Day.

A recent poll shows that New Jersey residents feel Hillary Clinton has the "right look" to be president, while Chris Christie does not. Today, Christie was spotted at JCPenney, trying on pantsuits.
 

The News As I See It: Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. It's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better.

New York City has gone 12 days without a murder. Why? The only thing I can think of is the ground is too frozen to dig shallow graves.

The Westminster Kennel Club's dog show is this week. They say it's a predictor of the Academy Awards.

This Date In History: 1546; Martin Luther, German leader of the Protestant Reformation, died. 1564; Michelangelo Buonarotti, Italian painter, sculptor, and architect, died. 1885; The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain was published.

1930; Pluto, the ninth planet in the solar system, was discovered by American astronomer Clyde Tombaugh. 1953; The first 3-D movie, Bwana Devil, opened in New York.

2001; FBI agent Robert Philip Hanssen was arrested and charged with spying for Russia. 2001; Dale Earnhardt, Sr., died from injuries sustained at the Daytona 500.

Picture Of The Day: Miss P, Best in Show, stands proud.
 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's sad to see how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike. 2) Only kids of the 50's, 60's and 70's will remember this! "Go Play Outside!"

3) Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I'm supposed to be doing. So, yes, your secrets are safe with me. 4) If really good-looking people are "eye candy", I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye asparagus" category.

5) I remember when my ex-wife and I decided not to have children. The kids took it pretty hard......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 18th: Admitting to shooting the sheriff is not a good alibi when being accused of shooting the deputy. Any time you feel restless this week, try to imagine what it would be like to take Viagra and Ritalin at the same time.

Birthdays: Louis Comfort, Tiffany artist, decorative designer 1848, Sholem Aleichem, author 1859, Charles Michael Schwab, steel magnate 1862, Helen Gurley Brown, editor, author 1922, George Kennedy, actor 1925, John Travolta, actor 1954, Matt Dillon, actor 1964, Molly Ringwald, actress 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose, but only collects 2-3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?" Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get 2-3 dollars." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another 10 dollars to move back to Mexico.

A young Arab asks his father, "What is this weird hat that we are wearing?" 'The father said, "It's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!"

The son then asked, "And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?" The father replied, "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!"

The boy continued, "And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?" The father answered, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!"

The boy said to his father, "Tell me, Papa. Why are we living in New Jersey and still wearing all this shit?"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a warning sign that read, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the door. Inside, he noticed a harmless little dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

The stranger asked, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" The owner. "Yep, that’s him." The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. "That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

The owner explained, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

At St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, '"Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

That's it for today, my little snowballs. Remember, nothing says "I love you" more than a waitress bringing you another beer before you ask. The road to AREA 51 is inviting me.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Daytona 500 Qualifying A Chinese Fire Drill

Nascar pole qualifying on Sunday was a joke! No one was really prepared for what happened, but Nascar seriously needs to rethink this on the larger tracks. Speeds are way too high to try to put on a "cute little show."

Drivers gave their opinions on the new group qualifying format for the Daytona 500, using adjectives ranging from, "pathetic" to "idiotic", "stupid" and "mayhem."

Nascar's qualifying theory is that it doesn't want teams wasting money on single-car setups and it doesn't want a three-hour qualifying event when it can have a 45-minute show that relies a little bit more on what makes the car strong in a race.

But it hasn't achieved an entertaining product that gives fans a sense that the driver who leads the field for the sport's biggest race truly has the deserving car -- and even more importantly that the drivers who could potentially miss the race deserved that fate.

Finally, the way the drivers game the system, sitting at the end of pit road trying to fake when they actually will start their qualifying run in hopes of ending up at the rear of the pack, looks plain stupid.

Jeff Gordon, in his 23rd and final Daytona 500, will start from the pole. Gordon played the game of group qualifying on a restrictor-plate track perfectly for his second career Daytona 500 pole. Jimmy Johnson took the outside pole position. The rest of the Daytona 500 field will be determined on Thursday in the Twin 125 mile races.

One of the qualifying attempts produced a wreck caused by drivers trying to squeeze into places they didn't fit. The cause of the wreck seemed to be when someone slowed while Reed Sorenson tried to fit in ahead of Clint Boyer, a move that obviously didn't work. The ensuing crash took out Boyer and Sorenson and damaged a few others including Denny Hamlin.

Clint Boyer

After qualifying Sunday, 13 drivers know they will be in. Only Gordon and Johnson know where they will start (the front row), but Aric Almirola, Ricky Stenhouse Jr., Carl Edwards and Jamie McMurray have the best speeds among the rest and are guaranteed spots.

Kevin Harvick, Ryan Newman, Hamlin, Joey Logano, Brad Keselowski and Matt Kenseth are guaranteed a provisional based on 2014 points. Tony Stewart is in with a past champion's provisional if he needs it.

The next few races in the Nascar Speedweek schedule will be entertaining and perhaps nest year, Nascar will make every driver leave the pits immediately when the qualifying sections begin there by eliminating the last minute and dangerous rush at the end.

Sorry to hear that singer Lesley Gore has passed away at the relatively young age of 68. Her memorable hits included, "It's My Party" and "You Don't Own Me." Rest in peace Ms. Gore.

The News As I See It: Researchers at the University of Vermont determined that the world's happiest language is Spanish. German finished fourth, which I find hard to believe. In German, even "I love you" sounds like a threat.

Washington State has more pot than they can smoke, which might help to explain why Seattle Coach Pete Carroll called for a passing play on the one yard line.

Thousands of San Francisco residents may have been exposed to measles because an infected LinkedIn employee used public transit this week. If you visit San Francisco and the worst disease you get is measles, consider yourself lucky. On the bright side, it’s the most connections anyone on LinkedIn has ever made.

This Date In History: 1804; U.S. frigate Philadelphia, captured and held by Barbary pirates at Tripoli during the Tripolitan War, was set fire to and destroyed by a small group of men led by Stephen Decatur. 1918; Lithuania proclaimed its independence from Russia.

1923; The tomb of King Tutankhamen, discovered in 1922, was opened. 1937; Nylon was patented. 1959; Fidel Castro became the leader of Cuba after having ousted the right-wing dictator Fulgencio Batista.

1968; The country's first 911 phone system went into service in Haleyville, Ala. 1999; Turkish commandos captured Kurdish rebel leader Abdullah Ocalan in Kenya, sparking seizures of embassies in Europe by Kurds.

Picture Of The Day: The sharp looking McDonald's entry.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend woke up the morning after our late night Valentine's Day dinner on the town with a huge smile on her face! I love Sharpie markers when I've been drinking. 2) I don't like to brag, but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

3) I like to make shopping lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while at the store. It's a fun game. 4) Wanna hear me read a receipt from my last trip to the grocery store? That's how interested I am in listening to the details of your new baby.

5) Today, I learned that the average male has had 15 sex partners, the average female has had 7 and the average penguin has had one. I also learned that I’m a penguin.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 16th: Your appetite may increase as the doctors finally remove the scissors they left inside you during your last operation. Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, "a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair."

Birthdays: Frederick William, the Great Elector 1620, Heinrich Barth, explorer 1821, Robert Flaherty, explorer and film producer 1884, Katharine Cornell, actress 1898, George F. Kennan, diplomat and historian 1904 Sonny Bono, singer, entertainer, politician 1935, Richard Ford, novelist 1944, LeVar Burton, actor 1957, John McEnroe, tennis player 1959.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure his Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. The Lab was stretched full-out on the back seat and he wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

He walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay! Do you hear me?......Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, A pretty young blonde, gave him a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

A businessman in 1st Class said to a gorgeous air hostess, "What’s your name?" The hostess said, "Angela Benz, sir!" The businessman said, "Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?" The hostess, "Yes sir, very close." The businessman asked,"How close?" The hostess replied, "Same price!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. The personnel director says, "You’ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

The director says, "Also, you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.” This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

The director continues, "There’s one last requirement. You must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

A golfer was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to hustle other golfers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll perform the marriage ceremony free!"

That's it for today, my little fire flies. Remember, as we get older, our memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, as we get older, our memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Valentine's Day

St. Valentine's Day is tomorrow. In actually, it can be fun if you let it, but amusingly, it's a day where the news and media set high expectations for couples and singles are forced to think of it as "Singles Awareness Day." Naturally, roses, cards, jewelry and restaurants double and triple their prices.

You could spend the day grumbling about Hallmark, crowded, overpriced restaurants and your mom calling you for the fourth f**king year in a row asking why you're still single or you can accept the ridiculousness of the holiday, grab a six pack, order a pizza and, afterward, eat that pint of Ben and Jerry's with pride.

A new survey revealed that 30% of all women prefer sex over flowers on Valentines Day. The survey was from a sampling of women I have never met. It's a holiday that reminds you that if you don't have someone special, your alone.

Valentine's Day can be a huge letdown for some men and women. The girl's are thinking, "This is the year I'm gonna get diamonds", the men are thinking, "I'm gonna get a BJ". Both are usually disappointed. Afterwards, the women are thinking, "I shave my pubes into a heart shape for this?"

The bottom line? If you're happy and have that special someone, Valentine's Day can be 365 days a year and at half the price.....

On a sad note:Former child actress and U.S. Ambassador Shirley Temple Black passed away on February 11th at the age of 85. My favorite memories of her was her portrayal of Heidi, especially after reading the book. Rest in peace Ms. Temple Black.

The News As I See It: A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama's former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. These are the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.

NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.

A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

A woman was arrested after she admitted to purchasing gasoline, driving to her ex-boyfriend’s house and using it to set his new girlfriend’s car on fire. She’s now facing five years in prison and up to three Country Music Awards.

Pot growers in Washington State have a problem. Supply there has outstripped demand and they have a lot more marijuana than they can sell. The surplus is so bad that hey may have to deploy Willie Nelson to the area.

This Date In History: 1866; The gang that included Jesse James and Cole Younger committed their first bank robbery in Liberty, Missouri. 1867; Johann Strauss's Blue Danube waltz premiered in Vienna.

1935; Bruno Hauptmann was found guilty of murder in the Lindbergh kidnapping case. 1960; France exploded its first atomic bomb.

1974; Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who won the 1970 Nobel Prize for literature, was deported from the Soviet Union. 2002; The French judge was accused of throwing the pairs skating decision to the Russians at the Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: Enjoy tomorrow my friends.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In the mornings, my body is starting to make the same noise as my coffeemaker. 2) I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china. 3) I was told that if I went to visit at the hospital I should take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn't looking, I did. 4) No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas 5) I bought a new stick deodorant and the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom." I can barely walk but when I fart, the room smells lovely.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 13th: Although your faults are easy enough to see, you must really make an effort today to let people truly understand the depth of your problems.

Long walks, cold showers and playing with the puppies could be very helpful. Bear in mind I'm referring to puppies of the four legged variety. We wouldn't want another restraining order, would we?

Birthdays: Sir Joseph Banks, naturalist 1743, Elizabeth "Bess" Truman, First Lady 1885, Grant Wood, painter 1891, Georges Simenon, mystery writer 1903, William Shockley, physicist 1910, Chuck Yeager, American aviator 1923, Kim Novak, actress 1933, Stockard Channing, actress 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I know where to find my hearing aid."

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself-Virginity-Test-Kit which consists of a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?" The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', you hit her with the shovel."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.

She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is, I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.

That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, if you wake up with a girl and you can't remember her name, take her to Starbucks for coffee. They'll write her name on the cup for you. Tonight's not an AREA 51 night. Let's see what the 'morrow brings.

Have a great Saint Valentine's weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Denizens Of Publix

I went shopping at Publix today. I had to....Samantha prefers wet cat food to dry cat food and I like my dry cat food with milk. Out of milk too. The drawback was that my feet were hurting badly, but listening to Samantha's faux woeful lament was worse. Additionally, Pepperidge Farms cookies were on sale (5 for $10).

I enjoy shopping at Publix. I know many of the people that work there from the managers down to the stock clerks. I recognize a lot of the shoppers as well. Most are pleasant with the exception of two groups that I abhor.

First and foremost are the shoppers who bring their rude and obnoxious litters who scream and run amok in the store. I usually suggest to them to practice safer sex. Secondly, there is a independent gaggle of really ugly women I refer to as cell phone ladies, who evidently have no lives as they wander from aisle to aisle with their cell phones up their ass.

On the upside, there are many good looking women who I usually accidentally trail. I occasionally run into old friends and some of the first lessons I learned as a single shopper was to eat before you go and always dress well.

I can't begin to tell you the number of women I have run into who I either knew or wanted to know in the early days when I figured, "What the hell. Who's going to see me?" They looked great and I looked like Nick Nolte's mug shot.

I saved about $30 today and most of the people who irritate me must have had their bail revoked because the store was relatively quiet with two exceptions.

My cart is always the one with either the bad wheel or takes three me to separate if from it's mate

The first group of people are those making their deli orders and apparently having lunch by consuming a sample of every freebie they can. The only thing missing was a quiet little table and a drink.

Today, the other was one of the cell phone ladies, yakking away, who for some reason was on the same circuit agenda as me, except in opposite directions.

Each time I entered an aisle, there she was in oncoming traffic. I attempted to resolve that by going past the next aisle figuring I'd double back to the lane I skipped. Alas, foiled again. She ran into another cell phone lady and they had a lovely four way conversation in the middle of the aisle.

On the way home, I remembered my military years and learning how to plant I.E.D.'s and land mines......

The News As I See It: On Grammy night, AC/DC received criticism after they used a teleprompter for their own song during the opening of the Grammys. I don't want to say they're getting old, but when they sing "Highway to Hell", they leave their right blinker on the whole time.

According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes.

Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I’m worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, "This factory is terrible."

It was revealed that, in 2011, Michael Jordan was signing a poster for Obama’s 50th birthday but spelled the president’s name wrong. The president made sure Jordan's name was spelled right when he had him audited by the IRS.

Rosie O'Donnell is leaving "The View" again. She treats that show like it's a time share in San Diego. Rosie says she's leaving "The View" to focus on her health (right). She said her doctors were concerned about all the stress that working an hour a day puts on the body.

This Date In History: 1805; Lewis and Clark's Shoshone guide Sacajawea gave birth to a son, Jean Baptiste. 1809; Robert Fulton patented the steamboat. 1858; Saint Bernadette of Lourdes first saw a vision of the Virgin Mary at Lourdes, France, leading to the foundation of the shrine of Lourdes.

1872; Muslims invented the condom using a goat's intestine. 1873; The British somewhat refined the Muslim's 1872 idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. 1929; Lateran Treaty was signed, with Italy recognizing the independence and sovereignty of Vatican City.

1945; Yalta Agreement signed by President Franklin Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, and Soviet leader Josef Stalin during World War II. 1970; Japan became the fourth country to put a satellite into orbit. 1979; Ayatollah Khomeini's followers seized control of the Iran government.

1989; The Episcopal Church Boston diocese consecrated Barbara Harris as the church's first woman bishop. 1990; South African resistance leader, Nelson Mandela, was released from prison after more than 27 years.

2011; As a result of the Arab Spring protests, Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak announces his resignation and hands power of the country over to the military. 2012; Pop star Whitney Houston died at the Beverly Hilton hotel in Los Angeles, the night before the annual Grammy Awards.

Picture Of The Day: The Deli is always the best part of the store

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) How are we expecting to cure diseases when, as a society, we can't figure out how to merge into traffic correctly? 2) Another "World's Oldest Man" has died. This is beginning to look suspicious. 3) The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

4) A new study shows that unattractive people make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists. 5) A guy stole my bike, so I got in a cab and said, "Follow that guy!" He said, "Sure, whats his twitter name?" We laughed and hi-fived and I need a new bike.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 11th: Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. If things start looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swivelling chair and spin. If that doesn't raise a smile, then I'm all out of ideas. Hey, for what you pay me, that's pretty good advice.

Birthdays: Lydia Child, author and abolitionist 1802, Alexander H. Stephens, political leader 1812, Thomas Edison, American Inventor 1847, Sir Vivian Ernest Fuchs, geologist and explorer 1908, Joseph L. Mankiewicz, director, screenwriter, producer 1909, Eva Gabor, actress 1919, Farouk I, king of Egypt 1920, Burt Reynolds, actor 1936, Manuel Noriega, Panamanian General 1938, Sheryl Crow, singer 1962, Jennifer Aniston, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign that read, "Low Bridge" but, before he could stop, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police officer approaches, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver replied, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."

The big alligator says, "What have you been eating?" The little gator says, "Lawyers, same as you." The big alligator asks, "Well, where do you catch’em?" The little gator answers, "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." The big alligator responds, "Hmmm...Same here. How do you catch’em?"

The little gator says, "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite’em, shake the crap out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!"

The big alligator says, "Ah, I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'."

The old guy obeys and says,"99." The doctor says, "Great." Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, the old guy says, "99."

The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three..."

During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

A famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

That's it for today, my little doodlebugs. Remember, marriage is betting someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever. I'm skipping AREA 51 tonight because there'll be some parties this weekend and I want to be there.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !