When I was small, in the weeks before Santa came, my brother Kirt, sister Jeanne and I would thumb through the Sears Catalog, a virtual encyclopedia of toys and games mixed in with a lot of useless items like refrigerators, stoves, school clothing and the like.
It was like a game where on each page we would take turns having first, second and third picks.
Once every page had been scavenged and signed, we would turn the catalog over to Mom and Dad, who would ostensibly submit our choices to Santa. As the days to Christmas grew closer, we would discuss which toy we would play with first.
As Christmas Eve arrived, I vaguely remember Mom and Dad having clandestine meetings behind the car. During their conversation, they would mysteriously open and close the trunk many times (keep in mind, the trunk of a 1954 Buick could and has held several bodies, or didn't you ever go to a drive-in movie).
When we finally were prepared for bed (not sleep), we were instructed not to leave the room, because we might scare Santa away. We could hear the side door open and shut many times, and every time we heard the door, we knew it must be Santa.
Somewhere during that night of anticipation, we made a pact that the first one up would wake the others. Finally, the Sandman arrived to do his work and we drifted off.
The next morning (about 5:30-6:00), we awoke and rushed into the living room to see what Santa had brought. As a courtesy to Mom and Dad, we woke them also and both were just flat-ass overjoyed to hear the news.
I pointed out to Mom and Dad that, although it was ok with me, Santa had drank some of Mom's wine and about four or five of Dad's beers and left them strewn about the house. Mom just smiled and said, "It's ok, son, Dad just left them so Santa would have something to drink with his cookies."
I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Hillary Clinton. They all hang together, half of them don't work and those that do, aren't all that bright.
The News As I See It: The Democratic National Committee was actually hacked because one of its directors clicked on a fake email to change his password, which gave Russia access to his account. Hillary said, "I can’t believe you’d be so careless with your email...!"
Apple said its new "AirPod" wireless earbuds WOULD be available, after reports that they wouldn’t be ready for the holidays. When asked what happened, Apple said, "We finally found them behind the couch cushions."
After two seasons, Netflix has canceled its series "Marco Polo." They ended it the way everyone does — by getting out of the pool and not telling the other person.
A flight attendant has plead guilty to smuggling 60 pounds of cocaine in her carry-on bag. People got suspicious when her safety lecture went on for four hours.
This Date In History: 1653;
Oliver Cromwell became lord protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland.
1773;
The Boston Tea Party took place.
1916;
Grigori Rasputin assassinated by a group of noble Russian conspirators.
1920;
One of the deadliest earthquakes in history hit the Gansu province in China. The 8.6 quake killed 200,000 people.
1944;
The Battle of the Bulge during World War II began in Belgium.
1990;
Jean-Bertrand Aristide was elected president of Haiti in the country's first democratic elections.
2000;
Colin Powell was selected to become the first African-American secretary of state.
Picture Of The Day: The mental image of Santa and his reindeer kept most kids awake on Christmas Eve.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got a Christmas email from my Nigerian friend who is going to share his bank account money with me. He asked me if I sent the check of good faith. I told him the check's in the mail. That's one of the two lies that have been useful for me in the past.
2) At the watering hole last week, a 28 year-old girl just told me she's gonna rock my world. At my age, I assume she's gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes and soft bagels. 3) According to a new report, the cost of all the gifts listed in "The Twelve Days of Christmas" song is up $233 from last year. Man, that Lords a Leaping union is killing us. 4) Social Security Sex is when you get a little each month, but not enough to live on. 5) I was getting amorous with one of my lady friends and just as the moment drew near, she said, "Please practice safe sex". So, I locked the truck door.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - Decmber 16th: Feel free to share your inner-most secrets with your family and friends. They will adore you for your honesty and may only exclude you from everything they say or do for the next year or two. Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there. Help the smaller ones.
Birthdays: Ludwig van Beethoven, German Composer 1770, Jane Austen
novelist 1775, George Santayana
philosopher and poet 1863, Zoltán Kodály
composer 1882, Noel Coward
playwright, composer 1899, Margaret Mead
anthropologist 1901, Arthur C. Clarke
science fiction writer 1917, Philip K. Dick
writer 1928, Benjamin Bratt
actor 1963.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the couple were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
She said, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" He thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected...
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
That's it for today, my little mistletoes. Remember, there's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Miami escaped the wrath of Mathew, thankfully, but according to the National Hurricane Center, he may be returning. Nooo ! - Let's get back to the regularly scheduled local car crashes, robberies and murders. I'm tired of watching field reporters inventing scenes.
Hurricane Mathew continues to ravage the South Atlantic coastline and, hopefully, everyone will be as safe as possible. I shudder to imagine if the line of the hurricane had drifted a bit west, in which case, the consequences would have been much more severe.
Moreover, reports show that Mathew will be hooking back after it's rampage, possibly giving it a chance to do an encore.
Conditions may be just right in the ocean and atmosphere at that time to curve Matthew back around toward the southwest and return to Florida for Round Two.
As of midday Thursday, the hurricane was forecast by the U.S. National Hurricane Center to drop to tropical storm status (sustained winds of between 39 and 74 mph) by Monday morning.
By Tuesday morning, the NHC places what would be Tropical Storm Matthew just to the northeast of Grand Bahama, not too far from where it was late on Thursday.
The last thing Florida needs as it picks up from Round One is another tropical storm, regardless of how weak the second pass is. While the potential Round Two is forecast to be much less severe, it would hamper recovery efforts.
The News As I See It: Joe Biden, in an interview, described his relationship with Obama as an older brother-younger brother dynamic. The only down side is when he forgets to pick up Obama from soccer practice.
We're just weeks away from Halloween. Yep, it's people pretending to be somebody else, going door-to-door for handouts, or as I call it, running for president.
Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a pair of socks meant to be worn with sandals from 2,000 years ago. Scholars say it’s evidence of the first German tourist.
This Date In History: 1869;
The 14th president of the United States, Franklin Pierce, died in Concord, N.H.
1871
The Great Fire of Chicago started. That same day in Peshtigo, Wis., the worst forest fire in U.S. history also began.
1934;
Bruno Hauptmannn was indicted for the murder of Charles Lindbergh's baby.
1945;
President Harry Truman announced the U.S. would share the secret of the atomic bomb only with Great Britain and Canada.
1956;
Don Larsen of the New York Yankees pitched the first and only perfect game in a World Series.
2004;
Martha Stewart began her prison sentence at Alderson Federal Prison Camp.
2005;
A 7.6 magnitude earthquake centered in the Pakistani-controlled part of the Kashmir region killed more than 80,000 and injured 65,000.
Picture Of The Day: For those of you who have never seen the eye of a hurricane.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Tequila will never be my downfall as the worm does not justify the hangover.
2) You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. 3) It takes 10 Americans to screw in a light bulb. 1 to do it and 9 to debate if it was politically correct.
4) Rapture is what you get when you lift something that is too heavy. 5) I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses.....especially if they're empty.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 5th: Remember to chew before you swallow, you know how excited you get sometimes. You may hear good news today from an older person who may or may not be intoxicated. Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelaces while staring at the woman across the bar from you.
Birthdays: Emily Blackwell, physician 1826, Edward Rickenbacker, war hero and airline executive 1890, Juan Perón,
president of Argentina 1895, Frank Herbert, writer 1920, Chevy Chase
comedian 1943, R.L. Stine, writer 1943, Dennis Kucinich, political figure 1946, Sigourney Weaver, actress 1949, Matt Damon, actor 1970.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish.
The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.
The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.
The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.
The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest. I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!"
The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"
I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These Taser guns are well worth the money."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my long time friend, Mike, for his contribution to today's stories.
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!" The man replied, "No, I'm just a crappy golfer."
A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but needed to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and says, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has serviced all of my neighbor's cows."
The banker says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?"
The farmer said, "I don't really know. He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."
That's it for today, my little persimmons. Remember, all those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just life's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a safe weekend and more on Monday.
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In the final hours before tonight's first 2016 presidential debate, hype reigns supreme with talk of Hillary inviting Trump arch enemy Mark Cuban and Trump threatening to counter with Bill Clinton admitted paramour, Gennifer Flowers.
Arguments about whether Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump or Democratic rival Hillary Clinton would do better on substance or style. Of course, this was overshadowed when Hillary announced she would invite Trump arch enemy Mark Cuban and give him a front row seat, ostensibly to anger Trump.
Hillary's lame efforts were overshadowed when Trump countered, suggesting that he’d invite Gennifer Flowers, with whom Clinton’s husband, former President Bill Clinton, has acknowledged having a sexual encounter.
Clinton's podium will feature a customized step stool to compensate for the 10-inch height advantage held by the 6-foot-3 Donald Trump, a maneuver that could boost the optics for the Democratic nominee.
As to Flowers, GOP vice-presidential nominee Mike Pence told "Fox News Sunday" that Trump was merely mocking the Clinton campaign for confirming that Trump nemesis-entrepreneur Mark Cuban was indeed invited to a front-row seat at the Hofstra University debate.
He argued the campaign was really trying to "distract attention from where the American people are going to be focused" which is picking a president to chart the future of America.
So, there you have it, my little politicos, the debate has not even begun and the candidates are already throwing rocks.
On A Sad Note: Arnold Palmer, one of the world's greatest golfers died Sunday in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Palmer died Sunday afternoon of complications from heart problems. Palmer was admitted to the hospital Thursday for some cardiovascular work and weakened over the last few days. He was 87 years old. Rest in peace, Arnie.
The News As I See It: A White House email account was hacked and a lot of their information was leaked yesterday. They're saying the information was stolen from the Gmail account of a low-level staffer. Then Joe Biden was like, "Technically, my title is vice president."
Mark Zuckerberg's wife, Priscilla, says their 10-month-old daughter won't be allowed to sign up for Facebook until she's 13 because she has to follow the rules. That's so sweet that she thinks teens will still be into Facebook in 13 years.
New data finds that more Americans are bringing their own lunch to work every day. This is evidenced by the inside of the break room microwave that looks like a triple homicide just took place.
This Date In History: 1789;
Thomas Jefferson was appointed America's first Secretary of State.
1820;
Frontiersman, Daniel Boone, died in Missouri.
1914
The Federal Trade Commission was established.
1950;
United Nations troops recaptured Seoul, the capital of South Korea, from the North Koreans.
1960;
Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy took part in the first televised presidential debate.
1986;
William H. Rehnquist was sworn as the 16th chief justice of the Supreme Court.
Picture Of The Day: There's Something About Mary Gennifer.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had a paper route when I was a kid. Every morning I would go to 300 houses or two dumpsters, depending on the weather.
2) On a traffic light yellow means yield and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite. Yellow means go ahead, green means stop and red means you're holding an apple. 3) All my Internet passwords are protected by amnesia. 4) I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future...but enough about my diet. 5) "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying my bills.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 26th: Although you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, bear in mind that you can catch even more flies with manure. Take the time to shave closely tonight as the evening is showing signs of becoming memorable. Chance of romance is partly cloudy with a chance of reins, a whip and handcuffs .
Birthdays: John Chapman, American pioneer, more familiarly known as Johnny Appleseed 1774, Ivan Pavlov, experimental psychologist 1849, T. S. Eliot, poet 1888, Martin Heidegger, philosopher 1889, George Gershwin, composer 1898, Christine Todd Whitman, public official 1946, Olivia Newton-John, singer 1948, Serena Williams, tennis player 1981.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.
The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me."
The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."
Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."
An old couple is on a walk when a pigeon flies by and takes a dump on the woman’s head.
The old woman says, "Yech! Get some toilet paper." The old man replies, "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement.
The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."
Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."
The Head Gardner at the White House was fired. after 28 years of service. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service. In an interview outside the back gate of the White House, the elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.
He said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?" and the next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"
That's it for today, my little whipper snappers. Remember, always buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift.
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More on Wednesday.
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In a TV interview, a Congresswoman said, "That's hyperbole". She pronounced it: "hyper bowl". A tip for politicians and some reporters: If you mispronounce the word, you usually don't use it and/or don't know it's meaning. I still cringe at "New-kew-lar" (nuclear).
And who can forget the brilliant Nancy Pelosi who she said on national television, "But we have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy."
How Congressional districts are formed and reformed is usually a partisan endeavor. In most cases, a state’s district lines--for both state legislative and congressional districts--are redrawn by the state legislature, and the majority party controls the process. Some states require bi-partisan or non-partisan commissions to oversee the line-drawing.
However, the state governor and majority party leaders often control who is appointed to these commissions. At the local level, city council presidents and/or council members usually oversee the redistricting process.
Some states are moving toward involving citizens in the redistricting process and creating truly independent redistricting commissions.
Gerrymandering is a practice intended to establish a political advantage for a particular party or group by manipulating district boundaries.
With all of these continuing changes, some representatives squeeze through the cracks with little or no ability to do the job. Therein lies the problem, hence "hyper bowl".
There are many common words that people just absolutely destroy, two of which that drive me up a wall are: "Jew-le-ry" (jewelry) and "Real-a-tor"(realtor). I'm sure my readers have your own verbal thorns that aggravate you.
There are many words that: a) I don't know the meaning or b) I do not pronounce the word correctly. I always appreciate when I'm corrected because that's how one learns and expands one's vocabulary.
There are those who say words because they're just stubborn or holier-than-thou. A prime example is Obama who still chooses to use the acronym ISIL while the entire world refers to the same group as ISIS. Yet he is still unable to say "Muslim Terrorists". Go figure. I guess he figures it will make his family angry, but I digress. Sic' em !
The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is featured in the upcoming issue of Women’s Health magazine. Next month she’ll be featured in "Bad Timing" magazine.
The upcoming movie about Obama during his college years reportedly shows a young Obama shirtless, smoking cigarettes and smoking weed. The title should be: "Back To The Future 2017: Obama Returns To His Chicago Ghetto Days."
Wal-Mart is working on a self-driving shopping cart that would return itself to the store after you’re done using it. Though the minute that Wal-Mart shopping cart becomes self-aware, it’s going to drive itself to Publix and never look back.
Donald Trump decided to clear the air and reveal the results of a recent physical, on "The Dr. Oz Show." It's an interesting move. Like for Donald Trump, you know, sure, Dr. Oz is a respected doctor — you know, in the same way that Dr. Dre is a respected doctor.
This Date In History: 1630;
The Massachusetts village of Shawmut changed its name to Boston.
1810;
Mexico began its revolt against Spanish rule.
1908;
General Motors was founded by William C. Durant.
1919;
The American Legion was incorporated by an act of Congress. 1940;
The United States first adopted peacetime conscription when President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Selective Training and Service Act into law.
1974;
President Ford announced conditional amnesty for Vietnam War deserters and draft evaders.
197u5;
Papua New Guinea became independent.
1982;
Lebanese Christians massacred hundreds of Palestinian refugees in Beirut.
1987;
The Montreal Protocol was signed by 25 nations, limiting production of substances that harm the ozone layer. To date, 197 nations have ratified the protocol.
Picture Of The Day: I'm an adorable deplorable.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If my arms are full of papers, boxes or books, don't bother opening the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a cripple and opening doors is good training in case I should ever be injured. 2) I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex.
He told me it was probably just the Mace.
3) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-girlfriend and me. After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a bitch.
4) The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills. 5) The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 16th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.
Birthdays: James Jerome Hill, railroad builder 1838, Albrecht Kossel, physiologist 1853, Jean Arp, sculptor, painter 1887, Allen Funt, radio and television producer 1914, Lauren Bacall, actress 1924, Charlie Byrd, jazz guitarist 1925, B. B. King, guitarist 1925,
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching FOX News, he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly
incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
The coach thinks, "I've got to get this guy! He has the perfect Arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.
He says into the phone, "Mom, I just won the Super Bowl!" The old woman says, "I don't want to talk to you, You are not my son!" The young man pleads"I don't think you understand, Mother," The young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
His mother tells him, "No! Let me tell you! At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!"
When Jesus died and went up to Heaven, the first thing he did was to look for his father, as he has never met the man before and was curious as to what he looked like. He looked high and low but could not find him.
He asked St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter said he didn't know. He asked the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel didn't know. He asked John the Baptist, "Where is my father?" But John did not know.
So he wandered Heaven, impatiently searching for years. One day, he saw out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man was very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. Jesus yelled, "Who are you?" The old man said,"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son."
Jesus was very curious. Could this be his father?
Jesus said, "Tell me of your son, old man." The old man said, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..." Jesus screams, "Father!" The old man yelled, "Pinocchio!"
That's it for today, my little puddy tats. Remember, one of the good things about experience is that it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
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Suppose your name was like an Internet screen name. Your given name must be unique. You attempt to use your given name and you're told that it's been taken. So you have to choose another or add a number like Moe33. What name would you chose?
This is not an easy task and a lot of thought should be put into your decision. Take the case of a man named Harry Lipschitz who went before a judge to legally change his name. The judge said, "I can see the reasoning behind your desire to change your name, sir. What would you like to change it to?" Harry said, "Murray Lipschitz."
How about a nifty nickname? I don't mean the obvious uses like "Jimmy" in lieu of "James" or "Kate" in lieu of "Katherine", but a really cool nickname. You know, like "Bugsy" or "Scarface" or even more complex, like "Tony the tiger" or "Eric the red".
I have always liked the name "Michael" for some reason and that is the name I would choose. I haven't rowed any boats ashore but if that job were available, I'd be one of the possible applicants.
If I had a nickname, I'd like the name "Lefty". It wouldn't make much sense since I'm right-handed, but I've never heard of anyone nicknamed "Righty."
Life isn't always kind and some names don't seem to have been well thought out by some parents. The Harry Harrisons, Tommy Thompsons, Willie Williams and Johnnie Johnsons of the world are all well aware of that fact.
So, here's the deal my wily little journal readers, what would you name yourself if you couldn't have your current first name? Additionally, what would you choose as a nickname?
The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are more unpopular than ever. So this election is kind of like asking people if they’d rather have chlamydia or gonorrhea.
Donald Trump made a surprise trip to Mexico for a meeting with the country’s president, Enrique Peña Nieto. The Mexican president said that he told Trump that Mexico would not pay for the wall, while Trump says they never discussed who would pay for it. In Trump's defense, who has ever gone down to Mexico and remembered what they did?
A reporter went through Hillary Clinton’s schedule while she was secretary of state and found that she and Bill were often away from each other, and sometimes even on different continents. When asked why they didn’t try to coordinate their schedules, Hillary said, "We did."
This Date In History: 1666;
The great fire of London broke out, destroying much of the city, including St. Paul's Cathedral.
1789;
The U.S. Treasury Department was established.
1901;
Vice President Theodore Roosevelt gave his "speak softly and carry a big stick" speech, regarding foreign policy, at the Minnesota State Fair.
1945;
Japan's formal surrender in World War II was celebrated as Victory over Japan (V-J) Day.
1963;
Alabama governor George Wallace prevented the racial integration of Tuskegee High School by encircling the building with state troopers.
1969;
North Vietnamese president Chi Minh died.
Picture Of The Day: Just think, in a few months, Barry Soetero will just be another Chicago thug.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I childproofed my home but the little bastards are still getting in.
2) Drinking and sex makes you alert and ready to face the world. It's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast. 3) By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry". 4) Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. 5) We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 2nd: Live like you want and you will part this world a happier person, although there's a chance that you may spend a good deal of your life in jail. Your lucky horse for today is Sombrero's Lid.
Birthdays: Liliuokalani, last reigning queen of the Hawaiian Islands 1838, Wilhelm Ostwald, physical chemist 1853, Andrew Grove, engineer, technology executive 1936, Peter V. Ueberroth, businessman 1937, Christa McAuliffe, astronaut, teacher 1948, Terry Bradshaw, football quarterback 1948, Keanu Reeves, actor 1964, Salma Hayek, actress 1966.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The boy asked, "Father Donovan, what is this? Father Donovan replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
Ernie, an old man says to his doctor, "Doc, I've lost my memory." Doctor Sims asked, "When did this begin, Ernie?" Ernie replied, "When did what begin?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. The other finalist was a boy who was going into the 8th grade for the 2nd time.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."
The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two, Destination -- Timbuktu."
The audience went wild! They wondered how the country boy could top that?
The clock started again and the boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went, Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
A young New York woman was so depressed
that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks,
a handsome young man stopped her.
The man said,"You have so much to live for. I'm a sailor and we're off to Europe tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship and I'll take care of you, bring you food every day,
and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she
had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small,
but comfortable, compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches
and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain
during a routine inspection. The captain asked, "What are you doing here?" She replied, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe." The captain said, "I see."
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "plus, he's screwing me." The captain said, "He certainly is. This is the Staten Island Ferry."
That's it for today, my little sweet peas. Remember, a true dilemma is when your fifteen-year-old daughter brings home a guy with a rainbow colored Mohawk hairdo, but your garden is already completely full of corpses. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
