Friday, February 13, 2015

Happy Valentine's Day

St. Valentine's Day is tomorrow. In actually, it can be fun if you let it, but amusingly, it's a day where the news and media set high expectations for couples and singles are forced to think of it as "Singles Awareness Day." Naturally, roses, cards, jewelry and restaurants double and triple their prices.

You could spend the day grumbling about Hallmark, crowded, overpriced restaurants and your mom calling you for the fourth f**king year in a row asking why you're still single or you can accept the ridiculousness of the holiday, grab a six pack, order a pizza and, afterward, eat that pint of Ben and Jerry's with pride.

A new survey revealed that 30% of all women prefer sex over flowers on Valentines Day. The survey was from a sampling of women I have never met. It's a holiday that reminds you that if you don't have someone special, your alone.

Valentine's Day can be a huge letdown for some men and women. The girl's are thinking, "This is the year I'm gonna get diamonds", the men are thinking, "I'm gonna get a BJ". Both are usually disappointed. Afterwards, the women are thinking, "I shave my pubes into a heart shape for this?"

The bottom line? If you're happy and have that special someone, Valentine's Day can be 365 days a year and at half the price.....

On a sad note:Former child actress and U.S. Ambassador Shirley Temple Black passed away on February 11th at the age of 85. My favorite memories of her was her portrayal of Heidi, especially after reading the book. Rest in peace Ms. Temple Black.

The News As I See It: A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama's former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. These are the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.

NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.

A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

A woman was arrested after she admitted to purchasing gasoline, driving to her ex-boyfriend’s house and using it to set his new girlfriend’s car on fire. She’s now facing five years in prison and up to three Country Music Awards.

Pot growers in Washington State have a problem. Supply there has outstripped demand and they have a lot more marijuana than they can sell. The surplus is so bad that hey may have to deploy Willie Nelson to the area.

This Date In History: 1866; The gang that included Jesse James and Cole Younger committed their first bank robbery in Liberty, Missouri. 1867; Johann Strauss's Blue Danube waltz premiered in Vienna.

1935; Bruno Hauptmann was found guilty of murder in the Lindbergh kidnapping case. 1960; France exploded its first atomic bomb.

1974; Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who won the 1970 Nobel Prize for literature, was deported from the Soviet Union. 2002; The French judge was accused of throwing the pairs skating decision to the Russians at the Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: Enjoy tomorrow my friends.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In the mornings, my body is starting to make the same noise as my coffeemaker. 2) I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china. 3) I was told that if I went to visit at the hospital I should take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn't looking, I did. 4) No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas 5) I bought a new stick deodorant and the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom." I can barely walk but when I fart, the room smells lovely.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - February 13th: Although your faults are easy enough to see, you must really make an effort today to let people truly understand the depth of your problems.

Long walks, cold showers and playing with the puppies could be very helpful. Bear in mind I'm referring to puppies of the four legged variety. We wouldn't want another restraining order, would we?

Birthdays: Sir Joseph Banks, naturalist 1743, Elizabeth "Bess" Truman, First Lady 1885, Grant Wood, painter 1891, Georges Simenon, mystery writer 1903, William Shockley, physicist 1910, Chuck Yeager, American aviator 1923, Kim Novak, actress 1933, Stockard Channing, actress 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I know where to find my hearing aid."

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself-Virginity-Test-Kit which consists of a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?" The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', you hit her with the shovel."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.

She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is, I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.

That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, if you wake up with a girl and you can't remember her name, take her to Starbucks for coffee. They'll write her name on the cup for you. Tonight's not an AREA 51 night. Let's see what the 'morrow brings.

Have a great Saint Valentine's weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I’m with you, that survey about the 30% was from women I have never even talked to!(smile)
I hate to admit it, but I agree here also:
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas..

And that priest shoulda knowed much better, [probably most do!)!


Paula said...

Happy Valentine's Day Jimmy. Hope you have a someone to spend it with. I would think you will have a lot of someones at the Area.