Elegy

I watched a movie entitled "Elegy" last evening and it affected me deeply. It stars Penelope Cruz, Ben Kingsley and Dennis Hopper. Kingsley plays a cultural critic and professor and his relationships with women are usually casual and sensual in nature. This May-December romance hit home, shaking me up pretty well to the point that I found myself occasionally pausing the movie to keep my composure.

Believing himself to be an independent and self-actualized individual, Kingsley encounters Consuela Castillo (Penélope Cruz), a beautiful and confident student who attends one of his lectures. She captures his attention like no other woman, and they begin a serious relationship.

I found that Kingsley's character and my own personality occasionally intertwined and the gamut of emotions that the movie evoked from me were highly tense. I cannot go deeper into my explanation of the movie because even the slightest additional tidbit might affect your view of the movie.

I will say that the movie moved me to the point where I needed to take a walk and rein in my emotions. Although I would recommend Elegy to both men and women, the latter portion of the movie brings up a subject that women will definitely identify with. It is this portion that affected my emotions drastically.

Elegy was released in 2008 and can currently be seen free for Comcast subscribers. It is listed under "Preferred Movies."

The Mississippi River and it's tributaries are flooding the mid-west and this will continue for a least a month. The floods have easily equalled the floods in New Orleans after Katrina. Has anyone seen FEMA in the mid-west with free trailers? Has anyone heard or seen people looting stores there?

The News As I See It: Al-Qaida is not what it used to be. You can see they don’t have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden.

Officials still can’t say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That’s money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home.

American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it’s due to a sweeping new trend called "unemployment."

Gas prices have come down just in time for summer vacation. That’s how the gas companies get you. Once you’re 300 miles from home, they jack up the prices again.

According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. President Obozo was very disappointed and remarked, "That’s the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1876. When I was a senior, I did a 10-page paper on my favorite president, George Jefferson."

One of Osama bin Laden's wives said he was a sex machine. In fact, he was the only man who could find her jihad spot.

President Obozo said he'd be OK being a one-term President and with that he shoved his cell phone down his pants and pressed "send."

This Date In History: 1775; The Battle of Bunker Hill took place during the American Revolution. 1885; The Statue of Liberty arrived in New York City aboard the French ship Isere. 1928; Amelia Earhart embarked on the first trans-Atlantic flight by a woman.

1944; The Republic of Iceland was established. 1963; U.S. Supreme Court ruled that no locality may require recitation of Lord's Prayer or Bible verses in public schools. 1972; Burglary of Democratic Party headquarters in Washington, DC, started the Watergate political scandal.

1994; O. J. Simpson's slow-speed chase by the police, watched by millions on TV, ended in his arrest. 2002; Australian scientists announced that they had "teleported" a laser beam—breaking it up and reconstructing it in another location.

Picture Of The Day: Virtual Reality - When video games combine with life, you get this....Tetris lives!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Give me strength to change the things I can, grace to accept the things I cannot and a great big bag of money. 2) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 3) A Democrat is a person who sees a glass partially filled and says, "This glass is half full!" A Republican is a person who sees the same glass and says, "Hey! Who's been drinking my water?" 4) I usually choose the path less traveled by, but it's only because haIf of the time, I'm lost. 5) Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 17th: Beware! You get more attention than you bargained for when the Eyewitness News Team does a feature on sleazy-out-of-the-way-motels. Film at 11:00. Meanwhile, stay focused. You're wasting way too many bullets!

Birthdays: John Wesley, English preacher, founder of Methodism 1703, James Weldon Johnson, author, educator 1871, Igor Stravinsky, composer 1882, M. C. Escher, artist 1898 Dan Jansen, skater 1965, Venus Williams, tennis player 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy goes into a bar and complains of a headache. The bartender tells him says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom and the headache goes away." The next day at the bar, the bartender says, "Did you do what I told you to?" The guy says, "Yes, I sure did and my headache went away. By the way, you have a nice house!"

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just silently passed gas - what do you think I should do?" He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to President Ronald Reagan via my pal Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A republican was campaigning in a rural New Orleans area and came upon a house in the woods. He knocked on the door and introduced himself as the republican candidate for the local county seat. The man who answered the door said, "Wait a minute! Let me get my wife because she's never met a republican."

While the man was getting his wife, the republican looked around for something he could stand on to deliver his speech. Unfortunately, the only thing nearby was a large pile of horse manure.

The man returned with his wife and the republican stood atop the horse manure mound and gave his speech. After the republican finished speaking, the man said. "That's the first time I ever heard a republican speech." The republican said, "Well, that's the first time I ever gave a republican speech from a democratic platform."

Murray spotted his pal Hiram in the park and they sat down on the park bench to talk. Murray was elated and he said to Hiram, "I've got a new hearing aid and I can finally hear the birds sing and the rustle of the leaves in tha Autumn breeze." Hiram smiled and nodded his approval.

Murray raved on, "Hiram, in the bedroom, I can hear every "sweet nothing" that comes out my bride, Rose's mouth. Yes Murray, this new hearing aid cost me a bundle, but it was worth every penney!" Hiram said, "That's great Murray, what kind is it?" Murray said, "4:15".

That's it for today my swizzle sticks. Remember, if we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. It's time to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. I want to get there before the looters do. Happy Father's Day to all the Dads! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Gorilla My Dreams

I used to have great dreams! No, not just those, but all kinds of neat dreams. Lately, my dreams are so weird that I second-guess their origin. Most dreams are a hodgepodge of conscious and subconscious thoughts that the mind weaves into a little video for your dining and dancing pleasure.

My mind now seems to think that it's a Hollywood producer and some of my latest dreams include some the worst characters I could ever imagine. Ex-mothers-in-law and arch enemies notwithstanding, the characters and script sometimes border on the absurd.

I mean, it's one thing to have a strange dream, but when they come with special effects, it becomes strange. I wonder what's next? Maybe at the end of the dream, they'll end up rolling the credits and cast of characters. I know one thing for sure. The Devil, my-ex-mother-in-law and my ex-wives will all be played by themselves. Popcorn, anyone?

The News As I See It: President Obozo said regarding the economy, "The sky is not falling." That's quite astute. His poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner’s pants are falling, but the sky is just fine. Way to call 'em Prez!

According to the latest survey on the economy, 48 percent of the people surveyed think we'll have a great depression. The other 52 percent think it will just be a pretty good depression.

Ahnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, her son left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit.

It was so sunny today that Anthony Weiner saw his shadow. That means six more weeks of Weiner jokes. And don’t judge Anthony Weiner until you’ve walked a mile in his pants....around your ankles.

In a new interview, Bill Gates said that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is engaged. But when pressed for more info, Gates just froze and had to be rebooted.

According to the Wall Street Journal, economic experts now fear there may be a second recession. A second recession? Really? When did the first one end?

Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson lashed out at CNN as being elitist for not allowing him to participate in the Republican debate. He said CNN was robbing him of the opportunity to reach literally dozens of viewers.

This Date In History: 1215; King John sealed the Magna Carta. 1775;
George Washington was appointed head of the Continental Army by the Second Continental Congress. 1836; Arkansas became the 25th state in the United States.

1844; Charles Goodyear was granted a patent for rubber vulcanization. 1849; James Polk, the 11th president of the United States, died in Nashville, Tennessee. 1923; Lou Gehrig made his New York Yankee debut as a pinch runner.

1992; Vice President Dan Quayle's "potatoe" spelling incident. 1996; Ella Fitzgerald, the "first lady of song," died in Beverly Hills, California. 2002; Rolling Stone Mick Jagger was knighted by Queen Elizabeth.

Picture Of The Day: Old Timer's Disease prevents me from thanking my pal who sent me today's "Doghouse" picture, but I'd like to thank he or she for sending it. The only house missing belongs to Congressman Anthony Weiner and is currently being painted for his future use.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A friend of mine has a girl she wants me to meet. She warned me that the girl's looking for a man with a great six-pack. No problem! I'm going to go see her this weekend and I'm bringing Budweiser and a pizza, as well! 2) Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington and track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

3) The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. 4) A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President Georgie "Dubya" Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. 5) Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. The penalty for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 15th: Love is adventurous today, so try something you've never tried before. Well, to be a bit more explicit, not with a farm animal. Dress options lean toward casual but don't wear the flowery print thing you wore last time. The cat still won't come out from underneath the bed. Tip your server generously. You never know when you'll need back-up.

Birthdays: Edward the Black Prince, prince 1330, Edvard Grieg, Norwegian composer 1843, Mario Cuomo, politician 1932, Waylon Jennings, singer 1937, Helen Hunt, actress 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Scenario: A man is walking down the streets of Washington, D.C. with his wife and two small children. Suddenly, a thug with a huge knife comes around the corner and charges him. The man is carrying a Glock 45 and he is an expert shot. He has mere seconds before the thug reaches him and his family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer: "Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?"

Conservative Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Southerner's Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click....(sounds of reloading). Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click.... Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma. All our dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The Black curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of Blacks in a predominately White, patriarchal society.

He pointed out, "In fact, some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about." The couple asked, "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?'" The Scottish man said, "Because I'm the guy who painted it. In fact, there are no Blacks or homosexuals depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Georgie "Dubya" Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?" The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away. Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. The diplomat said, "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" The wretched Abdul stammered, "A thousand pardons sire, but the Vice President is sitting on the well."

That's it for today my woodchucks. Remember, politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. AREA 51 is today's destination for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

All Night Long !

It started out innocent enough.....I planned on going over to alternate AREA 51 in Miami Springs on Friday night to see some of my friends. My pal Emilio picked me up and we headed over to Holleman's Restaurant around 10:30 pm. We ordered drinks and went outside to talk to my pal Randy.

The first indication of how the night might go was when I spilled part of my first drink on my shirt sleeve. The second indication was when something occurred across the Miami River in Hialeah that required 8-10 police cars. My initial fears were quelled when the police cars finally left and my shirtsleeve dried out.

From Hollemans we went over to The Billiards Club to see some friends and shoot a little pool. Everything was fine and I was well into my third scotch when my pal Emilio announced we were going to another club and I might need some single dollar bills.

Needless to say, our final destination was a bit exotic and after a bottle of Belvedere Vodka we headed back to Miami, the final destination being Breakfast at Denny's as the Saturday morning sun came up. Life is good.....

The News As I See It: The Miami Heat's LeBron James is promoting a new caffeine strip for your tongue that quickly dissolves — you know, just like he does in the fourth quarter.

Microsoft is planning to open retail stores to compete with Apple. Microsoft says that their stores will be just like Apple stores except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question.

Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement? A patent violation? Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary. Weiner said, "Don't worry, I sent her a text."

Donald Trump said Anthony Weiner is a psycho. So look for him on the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice."

President Obozo has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. When Greece thanked him, Obama was like, "Don’t mention it.... Really! Don't mention it to China, it’s their money."

This Date In History: 1900; The Boxer Rebellion began in China. 1966; The U.S. Supreme Court set forth in Miranda v. Arizona that the police must advise suspects of their rights upon taking them into custody. 1967; Thurgood Marshall was nominated to become the first African American on the U.S. Supreme Court.

1971; The New York Times began publishing the "Pentagon Papers." 1983; The U.S. space probe Pioneer 10, launched in 1972, became the first spacecraft to leave the solar system. 1986; Bandleader and clarinetist Benny Goodman died. 2000; The first meeting between President Kim Jong Il of North Korea and President Kim Dae Jung of South Korea occurred.

Picture Of The Day: These were printable and no cameras were allowed in the other places. Go figure...

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was winning a Trivia competition Saturday night until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the answer I should have given was Fiji. 2) In honor of Governor "Ahnold" Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been added to the Bible. Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff. 3) The economy is so bad that Exxon Mobile had to lay off 25 senators. 4) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 5) I always take life with a grain of salt...plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 13th: Wake up, wash your face and change your underwear. Life needs a good "start" routine...make this yours. The stars indicate that walking under ladders is a bad idea for you this month. Sandwich is your lucky word for today and you are likely to be involved in some sort of minor accident. This is the main reason for the clean underwear. If they wink at you, make sure you don't make the wrong moves.

Birthdays: My pal Martica. Happy Birthday young lady! 19XX, William Butler Yeats, Irish poet and playwright 1865, Mary Antin writer, activist 1881, Dorothy L. Sayers, writer 1893, Christo, artist 1935.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old fisherman was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water, and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, "Are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride." The old fisherman opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

A doctor told Mrs Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his sexual stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How is Mr. Stone doing with the pill and the whiskey? Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Skip and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. The drunk says, "Damn, I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, just stick a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When she asks, just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. His wife says, "Why are there two twenties?". The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he shit in my pants, too."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax......Jesus Christ!" Then silence.

Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

That's it for today my little turnip greens. Remember, light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Let's Play "Cowboys And Computers"

I'm going to massacre my computer. The only reason I have not done this as yet is that I Googled my plea of self-defense and it won't hold up in court. The damned thing treats me like Rodney Dangerfield. Yesterday, a message came on my computer screen that read "File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)."

This morning, I turned on the computer and being in a relatively happy Friday mood, I began working on today's entry. I started typing and when I clicked "Save", a message flashed on my monitor that read, "Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)."

I finally bought an external hard drive and after moving my music and pictures, my computer quit whinning like a banshee. The bad things is that it seems to be running slower now and I may have to add more memory.

One good thing about my computer is that I find it's the perfect thing for men who don't feel that women provide them with enough frustration. Sometimes I think my computer is almost human except that it doesn't blame its mistakes on another computer. It always beats me at chess, but it's going to be no match for me once I circle the wagons and open fire.....

The News As I See It: I think everyone should take some time to check on the elderly. Thank you. Okay, I’m fine.....

President Obozo and House Speaker John Boohooer have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boohooer will be crying over his score and Obozo will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.

Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known as the peter tweeter, has had a second woman come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they're very short messages.....like cocktail wieners.

This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days when Senator Larry Craig had to get in his car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall the guy's in and knock on the door? Now they send it right to your house.

Donald Trump and Sarah Palin met and had pizza together in New York City last week. There was one embarrassing moment — when the waitress asked Donald if he wanted extra topping and he said, "No, my hair is fine."

Democrats and Republicans are calling for Congressman Anthony Weiner to resign. Late night comedians are asking him to hang in there. The women who Weiner communicated with were a college student, a single mom, a blackjack dealer, and a porn star. Or, as they call it in Los Angeles, the circle of life.

Sarah Palin came under fire for her statements about Paul Revere and yesterday she made it worse. She said, "What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks?"

This Date In History: 1801; The Tripolitan War, between the United States and the Barbary States, began. 1865; Wagner's opera, Tristan and Isolde, premiered in Munich. 1935; Alcoholics Anonymous was founded by "Bill W."

1942; The entire male population of the Czech village of Lidice was massacred in retaliation for the death of Nazi official Reinhard Heydrich. 1946; Italy replaced its monarchy with a republic.

1967; The Six-Day War between Israel and Syria, Egypt, and Jordan ended. 1978; Affirmed won the Belmont Stakes and the Triple Crown.

Picture Of The Day: I had to laugh when I saw Obozo and Obiden photoshopped as the Lone Ranger and Tonto. With the economy in the porcelain receptacle, the title is appropriate.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say celebrities die in threes. Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in one extra completely free! 2) Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out "Boyz to Men" was a music group not a delivery service. 3) An echo is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word. 4) Fifty-one percent of New York voters think Congressman Anthony Weiner should keep his seat. The other 49 percent think he should disinfect it. 5) A recent study found out that men prefer to have sex on the days that start with the letter "T". Examples of those days are: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday .....and that's five....er, six !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 10th: You will find you get better sex advice if you stop talking to what you call "little people" in your nearby pub. Love makes the world go round, and peaches make a very nice accompaniment to cream cheese. The gift you have that allows you to speak to the animals may cause you problems this afternoon at happy hour. Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later tonight.

Birthdays: Gustave Courbet, painter 1819, Hattie McDaniel, singer and actress 1895, Saul Bellow, novelist 1915, Maurice Sendak, writer 1928, Judy Garland, actress 1922, Robert Maxwell, business executive 1923, Tara Lipinski, figure skater 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it." The big alligator says, "What have you been eating?" The small alligator says, "Lawyers, same as you."

The big gator says, "Hmmm.... Well, where do you catch’em?" The little gator says, "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." The big gator says, "Same here. Hmmm... How do you catch’em? The little gator says, "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite’em, shake the shit out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!"

The big alligator says, "Ah, I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the shit out of a lawyer, there’s nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase."

Billy Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in six seconds and it better be there!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Billy Bob has been missing since Friday.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey, I love you."

His wife says, "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!"

A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" The guy says, "That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment." The midget shows up, and the rancher asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. The midget says, "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. The midget says, "Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. The midget says, "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So the rancher picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears. The midget says. "Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

The midget says, "Nith mouf, can I thee her twat?" The rancher goes ballistic, grabs the midget under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s vagina. Then, he pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing, and says, "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your tits dry." As his wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks like I did a pretty good job.

That's it for today my licorice sticks. Remember, if you decide to get married, make sure you think alike. My ex-wife and I didn't think alike. She donated money to the homeless and I donated money to the topless! Hey, it's Friday and time for happy hour in AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Meet The Phoneheads

I get a kick out the overwhelming use of cell phones. I see little kids walking around with cell phones ostensibly purchased by their parents so that they can keep in touch. Teenagers walk around in an apparent daze, texting, talking and listening to music. But, back in the day.....

Yeah, back in the day, we teenagers would go to the corner pay phone to get a little privacy and talk to our friends. If you were one of the few who had a phone at home and it wasn't a party-line phone, you were very fortunate. Even so, like most teenagers, we usually found a way to communicate with our friends.

Recent reports are now suggesting the possibility of cell phones causing cancer of the brain. Most of the people that I've seen who constantly have a cell phone in their ear shouldn't be alarmed. You can't get cancer in an area that doesn't contain grey matter.....

The News As I See It: One of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, "I don’t know."

The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that’s what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens.

When the economy is bad, it means budget cuts and teacher layoffs. That means the next generation won’t even know as much about American history as Sarah Palin.

Legal experts are investigating John Edwards for the money he spent to hide his mistress and love child. The good news for Edwards is that he is now eligible to run for governor of California.

Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news, we all remember when Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.

This Date In History: 1845; Andrew Jackson, the 7th president of the United States, died in Tennessee. 1861; Tennessee became the 11th and last state to secede from the Union. 1968; James Earl Ray, Martin Luther King, Jr.'s, assassin, was arrested.

1982; President Reagan became the first American president to address a joint session of Britain’s Parliament. 1983; Negro Baseball League great Satchel Paige died. 2001; Tony Blair and his Labour Party won a second term, overwhelming the opposition at the polls.

Picture Of The Day: I liked the "phone family" picture the moment I saw it. It sure does paint a picture of today's cell phone usage. Oh, and I had to add the picture of the USDA’s new nutritional plate unveiled yesterday while Barack Obozo wolfed down two chili dogs in Toledo with fries and an extra bowl of chili on the side.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 2) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 3) If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then, you will be afraid to cough. 4) You need only two tools in this world: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. 5) The Center for Disease Control has released a list of the lastest symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 8th: Monkeys can make awesome presents for someone you love, but be aware that they are prone to poop in a loved one's hat. It's time to get out of your favorite clothing and perfume yourself up till you smell like...well, a bottle of perfume. Oh yes, the time is upon you and this time you will succeed.

Birthdays: Robert Schumann, composer 1810, Frank Lloyd Wright, architect 1867, Virginia Randolph, educator 1874, Barbara Bush, former first lady 1925, Leroy Neiman, painter and printmaker 1927, Scott Adams, cartoonist 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years? God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk says, "No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

An old man goes to see the doctor and tells him, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have a head of lettuce stuck up my ass!" The doctors says, "Good grief, I'd better take a look" The doctor examines the man for about five minutes. The old man says, "What do you think, Doc? Is it bad?" The doctor says, "It's worse than I thought and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."The woman asks "What about the third rose?" The nurse replies, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

That's it for today my lemon drops. Remember, your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart by exercising will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !